Adam
“Come on, man,” Jeremy says, kicking my foot where it hangs off the side of my bed. “You’ve got to stop moping.”
“Fuck off.”
He chuckles, sitting at the foot of my bed with a sigh.
“Look, you pulled out all the stops and it didn’t work.
So, you didn’t get the girl,” he says, shrugging.
“I hate to tell you, but you’re not the only one in history for that to happen to.
You’re not the first, and you definitely won’t be the last.”
“Is this supposed to make me feel better?” I ask, eyes glued to the ceiling. I’m still in the same flannel pants and white t-shirt that I changed into when we got home from the cruise. It’s a little more dingy yellow than white, now.
“It’s supposed to let you know that this won’t kill you.”
“I beg to differ.”
Jeremy sighs again, and I just let out another painful breath. That’s how every single breath has been since I watched Cassie run away from me on the top deck of that cruise ship.
I don’t believe you.
My chest shrinks again, as if the bones of my rib cage want nothing more than to puncture each one of my lungs and put me out of my misery.
“Have you tried talking to her?”
I shake my head.
“You should.”
“She ran away from me, Jeremy,” I say, not taking my gaze from the ceiling. “Ran. Like the thought of being around me for even a split second more would make her crawl out of her skin.”
“She’s scared.”
At that, I laugh, though the whole situation is anything but funny. “She should be. I’m an asshole. I’ve done nothing but hurt her when all I want is to make her happy.”
“You’re being such a chick.”
I don’t acknowledge that. There’s nothing more to say.
Jeremy punches my leg in a brotherly way, standing and shoving his hands in his pockets. “Alright, man. I’ll leave you alone. Just… try to take a shower before Chapter tomorrow night, okay?”
The door to my bedroom opens and closes, and then I’m alone — the way I’ll likely stay forever.
God, I really am pathetic.
But I can’t help it. I was barely putty in Cassie’s hands the day I went to her, putting my heart on the line — putting everything on the line. I was held together by bubble gum and hope, and she popped both.
I’ve gone through every emotion since that day.
At first, I was devastated. I cried. Cried. I’m a man, one raised by a grandfather who warned me that men don’t cry. And yet, I did. Then, once the sadness had faded, I got angry. How could she walk away from me, from us, when I apologized for everything? How could she just throw it all away?
Guilt came next, because I knew exactly why she could throw it all away.
I told her to listen to my actions, and then I let them speak loud and clear.
In my mind, I was showing her my love, but in reality, I was only showing her time and time again that she was never the number-one priority in my life. Even though she was, I didn’t show it.
I wished I could go back, go back to the dance and not chase after Skyler.
I wished I could take Cassie in my arms instead, twirl her around the dance floor, remind her I would always be there.
I wished I could go back to the poker tournament, let Skyler go on her own, wait for Cassie and go to her and Skyler’s room together.
So many mistakes. So many moments I wish I could re-do. So many things I wish I could take back.
And after that guilt subsided, I landed in some sticky kind of acceptance.
Except it wasn’t the healing kind. No, the kind of acceptance I found myself in was the kind that swallows you whole, that pulls you into a deep, tar-like darkness, its hands around your throat, suffocating you with your new reality.
I’ve laid here inside it ever since.
Right now, it’s still cold. It’s still dark and unfamiliar, like a reality that couldn’t possibly be mine. But over time, I imagine it’ll come to feel like home.
Over time, I imagine I’ll have to learn how to let her go.
My bedroom door opens again, and I sigh, closing my eyes on that painful exhale. “Jeremy, just drop it. Please. Let me wallow in peace.”
“Whatcha wallowing about?”
My eyes snap open at the sound of her voice, almost as if it’s a dream, as if I just realized I’m sleeping but now I’m half awake, wondering if I want to stay in the dream or shake myself to consciousness.
Slowly, I raise up onto my elbows, and when my eyes land on Cassie, my chest tightens, heart jumping to life at the sight of her.
Her ginger hair is piled into a curly, messy bun, a few tendrils framing her face in a haphazard manner as she folds her arms over her middle. Her eyes skate the floor before those emerald gems lock onto mine, and her brows bend, pink lips pulling to one side.
“Can I sit?” she asks, nodding toward the bed.
I scramble up to the headboard, scooting over and making room for her. “Of course. Here, sit. Please.”
She smiles, sitting at the edge of the bed, one leg propped on the sheets while the other remains grounded. Her eyes search mine, taking in what I’m sure are dark, sleepless circles by now. Cassie’s face breaks, tears glossing her pupils before she blinks them away.
“Adam, I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have run from you, I shouldn’t have left you like that.”
“Stop,” I say quickly, holding up one hand on a breath. “Trust me, I deserved that. And more. I don’t…” I swallow. “I don’t blame you for leaving, for not believing me. You don’t have a reason to, not after all I’ve done.”
She smiles, but it falls quickly, eyes still glossed as she whispers, “That’s just the problem, though. Even though I shouldn’t, I can’t help it.” Cassie shrugs. “I do.”
I frown. “You do what?”
“Believe you,” she says it on a whispered laugh, a shake of her head like she can’t believe it’s the truth. Then, she lowers her voice even more. “Want you. Need you.” She pauses. “Love you.”
I gape at her.
Full on, eyes wide, mouth open gape.
“What are you saying right now?”
She smiles, shaking her head with something between a shrug and a shiver touching her shoulders.
“I’m saying that it doesn’t matter what you’ve done to me, what I’ve done to you.
It doesn’t matter if we’ve both hurt each other, if we’ve both messed up.
It doesn’t matter that we can’t go back in time and make this story — our story — perfect.
” She sniffs, her eyes flooding again as she watches me.
“What we have is the messiest, stupidest, most fucked-up thing I’ve ever heard of and yet, I can’t let it go. ”
I let out a breath, reaching for her hands, my fingers wrapping around hers as two tears slip from her eyes.
“I can’t let you go, Adam. Not even if I wanted to.”
I steal her next words with a kiss, tasting the salty wetness of her tears on her lips as they meet mine. She chokes — whether on a laugh or a sob, I can’t be sure — but her hands reach around my neck, fingertips slipping into my hair as she pulls me closer.
“Don’t let me go,” I whisper, kissing that plea as soon as it leaves my mouth and touches hers. “Please, Cassie. Don’t let me go.”
She laughs, climbing into my lap and kissing me harder. My hands slip into the back pockets of her jean shorts, and she gasps, pushing her hands into my chest.
“But, if we’re doing this, we’re doing it.” She says, one brow raising. “I mean like I’m your girlfriend, you’re my boyfriend, there is no other girl above me and no other guy above you.”
I cock an eyebrow back at her. “You act like any of that is a deal breaker.”
“And, I want to take it slow,” she says, resting her hands on my shoulders. “We’ve rushed through so much, made decisions without thinking… that stops now. From here on, I want to be a team.”
“Me, too.”
“Okay,” she says, as if she’s stood her ground. Her brows are set, eyes determined.
“Okay,” I agree, and I can’t help but smirk. “Can I kiss you now, boss?”
Her eyes soften, a smile touching her lips, too, before she lowers them to mine.
“It’s like you said earlier this semester,” she whispers against my lips. “You never have to ask.”
And just like an 80’s movie, I thrust my fist into the air, earning me a chuckle before I steal her next laugh with an even deeper kiss.
I got the girl.
Thank fuck, I got the girl.