Erin #2
He looks like he just got back from the gym, his white t-shirt with the sleeves cut off sticking to his still-damp chest. And even in the ratty shirt and red basketball shorts, he’s so crushingly handsome.
I expect him to ask why I’m here, to furrow his brows and cock his head to the side, confused. But one look at me — one brief, understanding look — and his hand jets out for mine, tugging me inside, and the door shuts behind us, and then I’m wrapped in his arms.
A sob chokes my next breath, and Bear runs his hand into my hair, holding me to his chest as he softly whispers, “Shhh, shhh, it’s alright, I’m here, it’s okay.”
Those words only make me cry harder, my fists twisting in his shirt like he’s the last thing holding me to this earth.
I can’t be sure how long we stay like that, Bear holding me while I soak the dry shoulder of his t-shirt, but eventually, my cries subside, and my breath evens out, and with a long inhale, I pull back to look up at him.
“I’m sorry.”
He shakes his head, eyebrows bending together as he smooths his thumb over my cheek and takes a fresh tear with it. “Don’t ever be sorry for coming to me.” He pauses, his eyes searching mine. “What happened?”
I almost laugh, almost cry again, but finally manage to tell him the short version of Gavin’s recent rejection, disappearance, and letter. By the time I finish, I’m all out of tears, my throat dry and voice hoarse.
Bear sucks in a deep breath when I’m done, chewing the inside of his cheek for a moment before he finally says, “There are a lot of things I want to say right now, but I don’t want to upset you by talking shit about him, because I know you still care about him, even if you’re angry now.”
I nod, sniffing. “Maybe just one little insult won’t hurt.”
“He’s a weak, idiotic coward who royally fucked up the best thing to ever happen to him and he’s lucky I don’t know what treatment center he checked himself into or I’d check myself in long enough to punch the fucker right in the balls.”
It’s terrible. It’s an absolutely awful thing to say.
But it makes me chuckle.
“I’m sorry I always come to you with my mess,” I say on a sigh.
“I’m glad you do.”
I sniff, and Bear releases his grip on me long enough to get me a tissue before guiding us over to sit on the edge of his bed. I wipe my tears and blow my nose and then sit there with that tissue balled in my fist, eyes drying out as I stare down at my knees.
“I’m just so tired of this, Bear,” I whisper, shaking my head and fighting the urge to cry even more.
“For years now, I’ve gone through more than any human can take.
It’s been one dumpster fire after the other.
And I finally thought I was on the track to being happy again.
” I sniff. “I was happy again. And now…”
Bear doesn’t try to cheer me up or make me look at the bright side, he just sighs like he really gets it, like he understands, and then his warm palm reaches up to rub my back.
“Maybe I’m just delusional. Maybe everything I did to Skyler, to all my friends when I wasn’t okay, maybe it’s my karma now and I’m not done paying for it. You know? Maybe this is just my destiny.”
Bear shakes his head. “It’s not. I promise.”
“I know I messed up. I know I’m not perfect.
But I’ve been working so hard on making amends, on straightening myself out.
” My bottom lip quivers as I shake my head against more tears building in my eyes.
“Don’t I deserve more?” I ask Bear and the universe and God and whoever else.
When I lift my eyes to meet Bear’s, it’s like I can see my own pain reflected in his warm brown irises. “Don’t I deserve to be happy?”
He blows out a breath through his nose, nostrils flaring as his eyes search mine. His hand wraps around my back to my hip, squeezing, his thumb smoothing the bit of skin exposed between my jeans and blouse.
“You deserve everything, Erin,” he whispers.
Suddenly, I’m very aware that we’re alone. In his room. On his bed. I’m very aware of how warm his hand is, how good he smells, how sexy he looks even in his workout clothes.
I’m very aware of the way my thighs clench together when he shifts, just marginally, until he’s facing me, his mouth so close to mine I can feel the heat of his breath.
“You asked me last weekend if you were desirable,” he says, and then his Adam’s apple bobs hard in his throat, his eyes flicking back and forth between mine. “And Erin, I didn’t know how to answer you then. I still don’t know how to answer, not with words.”
His hand at the small of my back pulls me closer, and his free one slips up my arm, over my shoulder, along the length of my neck until he’s cradling my head, his fingers wrapping into my hair, thumb brushing my jaw.
“But I can show you,” he says, his voice rasping, another thick swallow lining the length of his throat.
Chills race down my spine, and every cell of my being seems to flutter to life when his lips drop to my mouth.
My lips part with an unspoken plea, and my heart stops beating altogether until the moment Bear slips his hands farther into my hair, pulls me into him, and kisses me.
Then, everything kicks back to life at once.
I gasp into his mouth, which only seems to fuel him more as he breathes me in, his hands gripping tighter, tongue sweeping in over mine. When I taste him, a jolt of electricity zips straight down between my thighs, and I moan, reaching for him with just as much urgency as he’s holding me.
I snake my hands around his neck, pulling him in for more even though there’s not so much as an inch of space between us. Flashes of that first night we were together hit me in little bursts of stars, the memory fuzzy and fleeting, but there all the same.
“Clinton,” I whisper against his lips, and he shudders at the sound of his name.
His expert mouth is unlike anything I’ve ever felt before, even though I know I’ve technically had it once before.
I was drunk, then, too drunk to remember, too drunk to appreciate his full lips massaging mine, his large hands caressing my hip, his fingers weaving in my hair and pulling me in like allowing even a centimeter of space between us would devastate the moment.
But when a flash of Gavin’s smile hits me like a train out of nowhere, I gasp for a completely different reason, tearing myself away from Bear and scrambling off his bed until my back hits his door.
I pant hard, trying to catch my breath, my palms against the wood and my wide eyes fixed on Bear.
His go just as wide in the next instant.
“Shit, Erin, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have… not with you like…” He shakes his head, running a hand over his fade as he stands. “Please, can we just—”
“I have to go.”
I fly out of his room with him still calling my name, but I don’t stop or look back. I just haul ass to my car and slam the door behind me, peeling out of the parking lot like a thief on the run.
Oh, God.
What have we done?