Chapter 24 #2
My heart threatened to stop at seeing them together.
How many times had I dreamed of this for Reid?
For something different from answering his questions about his father with ‘I’ll tell you when you’re older’ because I didn’t have the heart to tell him his father had left us.
That he didn’t know he existed because he’d left me.
“I invited Gabe to go to the zoo with us. Would that be okay, Reid?”
“Yeah.” He put the car back in his bag and took Gabe’s hand. “Come on. I can show you my favorite animal. Do you like cars? I love them…” He dragged Gabe toward the doors.
Gabe was staring at their hands, surprise in his eyes.
Tears pressed at the back of my eyes, and I bit my lip, reminding myself that he had hurt me.
That no matter what this seemed like, our happy ending had died years ago with the heart he’d shattered.
His vision flitted to mine, the emotion shifting as his smile dropped.
“I have a car waiting out front,” he told me as we walked.
“Okay,” I managed, hearing the shake in my voice.
“What kind of car?” Reid asked.
“Nothing exciting,” answered Gabe. “That one.” He pointed to the black sedan, like the one we took to the office building every morning.
“Oh, that’s like the one that takes me to school.”
“The same one,” he answered, helping Reid in as the driver held the door open for us.
Gabe stood aside to let me in, but I heard Reid say, “Can you sit next to me, Gabe?”
“Uh…” He looked at me, concern lining his forehead.
“It’s fine.”
We stood there frozen, our eyes locked and my pulse thrumming until the driver cleared his throat.
As I climbed in after Gabe, I realized I hadn’t been this close to him yet.
Our thighs brushed, and shocks raced through me.
Panic climbed into my throat. I shouldn’t have done this, but there was no going back.
Reid dominated the conversation, enamored with Gabe’s presence and knowledge of cars. They talked cars the entire way to the zoo as I stayed rigid, fighting how the sound of Gabe’s voice brushed over my soul, waking parts of me that had died the day he’d left.
I fared no better the rest of the morning.
While Reid monopolized the conversation, something I was thankful for, there were moments when I cracked and found myself too relaxed with Gabe.
Returning to a time when we had spent the day at the Jacksonville Zoo, stealing kisses and holding hands.
A time when he had been my everything and his mere touch could melt me.
Longing built, pushing aside the anger at his secrets, at what he’d done to me. A longing to go back to those days.
“He’s a good kid,” Gabe said as we watched Reid run around the play area.
“Yeah.” I picked at the popcorn Reid had requested, hating how it took me back to that day with Gabe.
“I’m sorry, Tori. Sorry I let you down. That I left you to raise him by yourself.” His voice went quieter. “That I left you.”
“Yeah,” I repeated, anguish swelling inside me.
“But you did, and you can’t take it back.
The scars will always be there.” I glanced at him, meeting pain-etched irises.
“He doesn’t know who his father is. Doesn’t understand why I can’t give him answers.
Doesn’t understand why other kids have fathers but he doesn’t.
The other kids teased him at his old school.
Told him his father didn’t love him and that’s why he didn’t know him.
” I looked away, knowing I was close to breaking.
“Do you have any idea how hard it was to tell him that wasn’t the truth when it was? ”
“Tori, I…”
I put my hand up. “Don’t, Gabe. You left me, not the other way around.
You stopped loving me, and you don’t love him.
I have to lie about that every day. I have to tell him I’ll explain when he’s older every time he asks about you.
Not because I don’t want to tell him the truth but because…
” My voice cracked, and a tear broke free. “…it hurts too much to admit.”
“Tori—”
I got up from the bench, intending to get Reid and leave, but Gabe grabbed my hand and turned me back to him. He had stood and now looked down at me. So much agony misted his eyes that I doubted my words.
“I never stopped loving you, Tori. You must believe that. I didn’t leave you because I stopped loving you. I left because I loved you too much, and it…”
“It what, Gabe? Tell me the truth, please. Just this once, stop with the secrets.”
“Mommy, are you okay?”
I sucked in a breath, knowing the moment was gone. This had been my chance, and it might never return.
“Please,” I pleaded as Reid tugged on my pants.
“I can’t.”
The strength fled me, and I ripped my hand from his grasp. “Everything is fine,” I told Reid, sniffing and rubbing away the tears. “I got a splinter in my hand, and Gabe was getting it out.”
“Can I see?” He took my hand, inspecting it.
“There’s nothing left to see. It’s gone.”
He kissed my palm. “All better?”
Laughing, I replied, “All better. But it’s time to go. We need to go back and get ready to see Uncle Cash.”
“And eat cake?”
“Yup.”
He hopped up and down. “Do you like cake, Gabe?”
“I do,” answered Gabe as I buttoned Reid’s coat back up.
“Can you come with us?”
My hands froze, and my sight flew to Gabe. Sadness etched the corners of his eyes. “No, I don’t think that would be a good idea. How about you save a slice for me?”
“Okay.” He tugged from my hold and took Gabe’s hand again. “Let’s go.”
I stared at them as Reid led Gabe away, marveling at how alike they looked.
Reid was a miniature version of Gabe, and it ached to see.
Following, I thought about Gabe’s words that he had left me because he loved me too much.
It made no sense unless I added it to the run-in with his father.
The comment about Gabe rebelling again and being under his control.
Had I blamed Gabe all this time when there was more to it? Secrets. Things he refused to tell me.
When we arrived back at the hotel, I waited for Reid to say his goodbyes as he clutched his bag of cars.
“Go sit in the seat over there and play quietly with one of your cars while I talk to Gabe,” I told him.
We were in the middle of the lobby with no privacy, so I couldn’t press Gabe more, but I needed answers, and I was tired of being in the dark.
“Thank you for inviting me,” he said, his eyes trailing Reid. Longing tinged them, and I softened, knowing as much as I blamed him for leaving Reid without a father, he hadn’t known about him.
“How did your father know about Reid?” I blurted.
“My father has ways of finding things out. Apparently, he knew about Reid all these years but didn’t bother to tell me until today.”
That answer had not been the one I expected. “He knew and never said anything?”
Gabe turned his attention back to me. “Yes. I told you my father wasn’t a nice man. I never lied to you about that. We don’t get along. We never have.”
“Tell me why you left me, Gabe.”
He swiped his hand through his hair. “This again, Tori? It doesn’t matter, and it won’t change the fact that I did or that you hate me for leaving you and leaving Reid without a father.”
“I don’t hate you,” I admitted. “It’s more of a love/hate thing.”
His brow lifted, and surprise lit his eyes.
“I’m tired of secrets, and living life like this is too difficult.
” I chewed the inside of my cheek, hating what I was about to say but knowing I couldn’t continue to do this to myself.
It was too emotionally challenging, and I would never heal if it continued.
Not that I thought I ever would. “I need answers, Gabe. No more lies, no more secrets. If you can’t give them to me, then I’m leaving. ”
The light dimmed in his eyes. “You can’t do that.”
“I don’t want to, but I will. This hurts too much. Seeing you, being near you, seeing the possibility.” I looked back at Reid. “What could have been. It’s tearing me apart, and pretending that it isn’t hurts just as bad.”
“Please, Tori.”
I turned back to him. “No. It’s not fair to me and not fair to him.
It’s my job as his mother to protect him, and I will do whatever I need to ensure I do.
Even if it means…” My voice splintered, and suddenly, I was back to that day, realizing he was never coming back, that he had left me and never looked back.
“You have until Friday. Otherwise, consider this my two weeks' notice.”
Looking away, I forced my legs to move toward Reid, gathering him up and taking him back to the elevator.
As the doors closed, Gabe remained in the same place, his head bowed, and the dam on my tears broke.
I brushed them away before Reid could spot them and pulled the mask on that I’d worn for years.
The one that pretended my heart wasn’t still a tattered wreck that would never heal.
That acted as if I had recovered from the devastation Gabe left behind.
That told everyone I hated the man who had left me when I had never truly stopped loving him.