Chapter 9 #2
“For my new column, I follow the dating life of one person at a time and document it. I write about all the fun parts and not so fun parts so the readers feel like they’re on the journey with the subject as she lives out her love story—should she find one.” Eyes glimmering, she looks at me.
Shoulders slumping, I let out an unintelligible noise. “I’m not looking for love.”
“Because you have feelings for JJ?” Josie doesn’t sound the least big sarcastic or judgmental this time.
Even so, I whip my head from side to side dramatically. “No.”
When they all look at me like I’m full of shit, I expound, my chest instantly tight. “I mean I have feelings for him, sure. They range from annoyance to irritation. Even embarrassment after he saw me naked and then I saw him naked—”
“Wait,” Josie screams. “He saw you naked too? Were the two of you naked at the same time?”
I blow out a breath. Dammit. I didn’t mean to tell them that. “No. He walked in on me while I was changing last night.”
Savannah cackles and Josie lets out a sound that’s half scream, half laugh. Beside me, Vivi’s jaw is unhinged. “I’m totally switching rooms with you.”
“No you’re not,” Josie says with a finger in the air. “Because by the blush she’s sporting, she didn’t hate either of those situations the way she thinks she should have.”
Huffing, I will the heat in my cheeks to subside. “Not true. The last thing I wanted was to see JJ naked. Swear.”
That’s the truth. Because it reminded me of all I once had. Before he was off limits. Completely forbidden.
“And need I remind you again that he’s married?
” I hold up a hand when each one of them leans forward, ready to interject.
“And before you say he’s not really married, that’s not a thing.
But even if it were a thing, or even if he were to get divorced, it wouldn’t matter. He’s a player and I’m his coach.”
“Can you imagine how amazing that would be for my readers?” Savannah chirps.
Sighing, I slump back. “Cheating on one’s spouse is not romantic.”
“First of all it’s not cheating!” she huffs.
“They’re separated. And she left her child!
Also, I wasn’t talking about JJ.” She waves her hand with a pfft.
“I’m talking about you. You’re the prize.
The NHL’s first female goalie coach. You are a babe, babe.
A total catch. A fucking inspiration. You deserve to be happy, and my readers would eat your story up. ”
“Her dad would kill me,” I say, thumbing toward Vivi, going with another tactic. I’ve given up saying no for myself. They aren’t listening. Besides, it’s true. Vivi’s dad, the Bolts’ head coach and my boss, would not be happy to have that kind of attention on me at this time.
“Only because he’s an overprotective ass,” Vivi grumbles.
Josie frowns and pats her hand. “Your dad loves you.”
“Ugh.” She pulls away with a roll of her eyes. “Whatever.”
“He does,” I tell her.
“Can’t say he did a very good job of showing it when he kicked me out.” She goes for annoyed, but I swear her eyes are glassy before she turns away.
Savannah swigs her wine, then picks up the bottle and refills her glass.
“My dad told me repeatedly that I was the worst thing that ever happened to him. Then he left. Believe me, if your dad is actually trying to get rid of you, you’d know it.
Yours isn’t. He’s just scared that you’re going to throw away all your opportunities without thinking about it first.”
“Just because I don’t want to finish college doesn’t mean I’m throwing my life away. I just—” Vivi sighs, slumping. “I don’t know what I want to do with my life and until I figure it out, school feels like a waste of time and money.”
“Have you told him that? Or your mom?” I ask.
Vivi’s eyes water in earnest this time. “They don’t understand.”
“Your dad may not get it; he’s always known what he wanted. But I think if you sat your mom down and really tried, you’d be surprised by how much she understands.”
“Doubt it. She’s always known too. She wanted to write music, and she did it.”
My Aunt Millie really is a wonderful songwriter and musician, but I’m pretty sure her story isn’t as simple as Vivi is making it out to be.
And Vivi’s parents love her to death. They’d do anything for her.
There’s no way that Gavin’s ultimatum came from anger.
I imagine he did it because he’s at a loss when it comes to getting through to her.
“Just promise me you’ll talk to her,” I plead, grasping her hand.
She only shrugs. “Can I have more wine?”
Laughing, Savannah pours her a generous amount.
From there the topic changes, thank god.
Because I have no interest in talking about JJ’s possible glitter dick. Or becoming the poster girl for Boston’s next romantic comedy.
Tonight was good. We talked and laughed and drank and laughed some more.
When Camden came home, he joined us for one more drink and Savannah snuggled on his lap.
Witnessing the two of them so comfortably in love makes it hard not to wish for the same thing.
Not now, of course. Between living with my sister and cousin and flying all over the country with the team, I have enough on my plate.
And honestly, the process is daunting. I’d kill to skip past the awkward get-to-know-you parts of dating and jump straight into feeling comfortable like Savannah does with Camden. Feeling loved.
I’m not sure I’ve ever had that.
Because that type of love only comes with time. When two people have been together for months or more. After many late nights spent delving into secrets. Sharing a life together.
And I’ve definitely never had that. I kind of wonder if I ever will.
When my phone lights up on the nightstand, I reach for it quickly, confused about who would text this late. While it’s only ten thirty, most of my friends know that since my days start so early, I’m usually asleep by now.
Unknown number: Is it okay if Avery calls you?
I frown. Before I’ve figured out who’s texting, another message comes through.
Unknown number: She can’t fall asleep until she says good night to everyone who matters to her.
Oh my god. Is JJ texting me?
I navigate to the screen that details the caller information and tap the number. The last thing I want to do is make Avery wait.
“Hey.” JJ’s voice is quiet but surprised.
My stomach twists. I hate that I know him so well.
“Hi, is she there?”
“Yeah. Here, Avey. It’s Adeline.”
“Addie?” When her little voice fills the silent bedroom, my heart aches. “Are you coming home tomorrow?”
“Yeah, Avey girl. I’m just visiting some friends.”
“Okay. I just wanted to say good night and I love you.”
A sob threatens to burst its way out of me, but I bite my lip hard to keep it in. Dammit. Those simple words make me want to cry. Hard.
I was about her age when I finally began to understand that my biological father didn’t care to make an effort with us.
The ache still lives inside me too. While I had a loving dad in Beckett, the rejection still hurt.
There’s no pain like the kind that comes with realizing your own parent has chosen not to choose you.
And that’s what Avery is going through. Her mother has chosen to walk away.
I don’t know what’s going on between Tabitha and JJ.
I try like hell to remain uninformed of their personal lives.
But there isn’t a world in which I would let my relationship with a man disrupt my relationship with my child.
Not that I ever plan on having one.
“I love you too, Avey girl. Why are you still awake?”
“Couldn’t sleep,” she grumbles, her breath ghosting over the microphone.
“How about you do me a favor? Try closing your eyes and thinking about good things.”
“Like what?”
I hum. “What is one thing you really love?”
“My daddy,” she says, her voice dripping with affection.
“Yeah, he’s a good daddy, isn’t he?” The words escape easily. JJ is as incredible with Avery as Beckett always has been with us. Regardless of my other feelings about him, I can acknowledge that.
“The best.”
“Okay, anything else you love?” I ask her. “What’s something you love to do?”
“I think I’d love skating, but it’s hard.”
I smile, understanding dawning. Little scam artist. “Would you like me to teach you?”
“You’d do that?” she asks in genuine awe.
A laugh bubbles out of me. “If your dad is okay with it, yeah. There’s nothing I’d love more.”
She yawns. “I’d like that.”
“Okay. Why don’t you close your eyes and picture the two of us on the ice, skating in pretty circles?”
“And my daddy?”
I bite down on my lip again. “Yeah, and your daddy.” Those words come out a little harder. But I know JJ wouldn’t miss Avery out on skates, so he’d be there.
“That sounds really fun. Thanks for picking up.”
“Always, Avey girl. You can call me anytime.”
I won’t be someone else who lets her down. “Now go to sleep, sweet girl.”
“Night, Addie.”
“Night, Avey.”
I hang up and am still staring at the dark screen when it lights up and another message appears.
Unknown number: Thanks for calling. It really meant a lot to her.
Me: No problem. But how’d you get my number?
Unknown number: I’ve always had it. Wait, you didn’t know this was me?
I stare at the phone and blow out a breath before making the decision to add him as a contact again.
Me: No, I didn’t have your number.
JJ: It’s the same number I’ve always had.
Me: Oh. Okay.
JJ: You deleted my number?
Me: I guess so.
I don’t guess so. I remember the night I did it very distinctly. Knowing if I didn’t, I’d be tempted to text him. It was before he got married but after she’d announced the engagement. He was no longer mine to text. He’d never really been mine.
Three dots appear, then disappear again and again. Still, I don’t put the phone down. I can’t. It’s an addiction. To what, I don’t know. Whatever it is we’re doing is unhealthy. Just as unhealthy as it was before. And yet here we are again.
JJ: I wish you’d tell me what I did to make you hate me.
I don’t delete his number, but I don’t respond. It’s better this way.