Chapter 21
TWENTY-ONE
ADDIE
“JJ seemed pissed,” Josie says.
“More like stressed,” Savannah muses, sliding a wineglass her way.
I grab the one she pushes in front of me and take a sip, buying myself time to think. He was surprised, yes. And overprotective. But that’s JJ. I don’t think of him as a brother. That’d be gross. But to a degree, that’s how he’s always treated me. Like a little sister he has to watch out for.
I set my glass down on the counter and grab the questionnaire. I have no interest in discussing JJ or his feelings, so I might as well get to it. “Where do you see yourself in five years?” I say aloud.
“Head coach of the Boston Bolts, of course,” Josie says with a smirk.
Exhaling loudly, I shake my head. “A female head coach in the NHL? Even my family isn’t that open-minded.”
And it’s not what I want. I like being a goalie coach.
In my current position, I still have the freedom to coach the way I want.
To get on the ice with the guys and run drills.
A head coach has to oversee practice, control the staff, and do all sorts of other bureaucratic bullshit that I don’t have the stomach for.
“Okay, then where do you see yourself?” Savannah asks.
My mind betrays me, and it makes my heart twist. Because my instinct is to say that I’ll be playing hockey. Running drills with the guys has been good for the team, but it’s also wreaking havoc on me mentally. Making it difficult not to doubt the decision I made when I left the PWHL.
While keeping up with them during practice is one thing, playing in an actual NHL game would be another. I doubt I could cut it. Which is why I’m coaching.
“Still coaching. Hopefully not living here.” I look up at the ceiling and huff.
“Not loving living with six kids?” Josie asks.
“They’re fine,” I admit, a little smile playing on my lips. “But I never wanted kids and I definitely didn’t expect to be living with six of them at my age.”
“You don’t want kids?” Savannah asks, her brow furrowed in surprise. “You’re so good with Avery and your nephews.”
“Don’t get me wrong, I love them all. But—” I sigh.
It’s hard not to feel selfish or like there is something wrong with me when this topic comes up.
So many people can’t fathom a world in which a woman wouldn’t want to procreate.
But Savannah and Josie aren’t like that, so I go with the truth.
“I’ve just never had the itch. You know how some kids walk around with dolls mothering them? ”
Both of my friends nod.
“I carried around a hockey stick.”
Josie snorts. “Yeah, you did.”
Savannah hums as she swigs her wine. Then she sets it down and leans forward. “There’s no right or wrong way to live your life. If you don’t want kids, you don’t want kids. So no single dads, I’m guessing? You should probably put that on the form.”
I bite on my lip. Probably. Because there’s only one single dad I’d ever risk falling for, and I’m doing this precisely so I won’t.
And Avery will still be in my life no matter what. I don’t have to be a mother to care about the children in my life. There are plenty of them around.
This is the right decision.
No single dads, I write in big letters at the top of the form. “There.” I underline it for emphasis.
“Okay, next question,” Josie sings.
It takes us hours to get through the questionnaire. Afterward, Savannah promises that she’ll be in touch regarding it next week. First she’ll write an article that will introduce me to her readers, so I’ll need to come in for a photoshoot.
Looks like I need to talk to Gavin soon. He is my boss, and I don’t want to bring any negative press to the Bolts organization, but I can’t imagine he’ll give me too much shit. Honestly, I think my family will get a kick out of this.
Savannah plans to put together a list of potential dates and promises I can have input. Josie was super excited. She says this is like reality television tinder. I’m not sure how she made that leap but I’m trying not to freak out at the thought of the public being all up in my business.
I may not be a virgin, but I haven’t actually ever dated.
Which is…well, slightly pathetic.
But being a female hockey player, and Beckett Langfield’s little girl, is beyond intimidating. And that’s before my uncles are factored in.
Men don’t even go after me in hopes of meeting my family. The moment they find out I play hockey, the conversation dies.
Though now that I’m coaching instead, maybe that will change.
At least in this scenario, the men Savannah sets me up with will know who I am and what I do before I have to come face to face with them. That means I’ll only go out with men who are genuinely interested.
In theory.
Head tipped back, I take in the dazzling stars and wonder if I’ll ever be able to do it again without thinking of JJ.
Him and his parents’ damn song.
When Winnie and Vivi came home with the kids half an hour ago and the chaos returned, I retreated to the roof. Hope took her girls to her parents’ place for the weekend, so we’re down to three children, but the twins are louder than all four girls combined, so it’s not a whole lot quieter.
The door opens, startling me, and I hold my breath, wrapping the soft blanket tighter around my body. When JJ comes into view, I have to bite back a groan. Of all the people I’m hiding from, he’s number one on that list.
“There you are,” he says.
“Yup, it’s almost like I want to be alone,” I mutter.
Ignoring the comment, he saunters my way, eyeing the bottle of wine and the glass on the table.
That’s another thing I won’t feel bad about. I’m a single twenty-six-year-old woman. I can have a glass—or bottle—of wine if I want.
“Wasn’t sure if the girls were still here,” he says as he sits beside me.
“Oh, so you came up to hang with Savannah and Josie?”
His blue eyes remain locked on mine for a beat too long, like he’s trying to figure out where the attitude is coming from.
But I’m past the point of being diplomatic.
“No, I wanted to talk to you, actually.”
“Avery already asleep?”
With a hum, he nods. “She could barely keep her eyes open through her bath. She wanted to say good night to you, but I told her you were busy.”
“I’m never too busy for Aves.”
“You sure? It seems like you’ve been running in the opposite direction when she and I are around.”
“I have not.” I take offense to the idea that I’d want to take any space from her.
He arches a brow. “So you haven’t been avoiding me since Avery begged us to sleep with her?”
“No, JJ, I’ve been avoiding you since—” I snap my mouth shut. I can’t even put into words what happened between us, and chalking it up to Avery begging us to sleep together is so infuriatingly wrong.
“Since I held your hand? Is that what this is about? Is that why you’ve now agreed to be the poster child for dating?”
My body ignites with annoyance. “Jesus, you really are full of yourself.”
He pulls on his dark hair, clearly as aggravated as I am.
“No, what I am is confused. We had a moment, Adeline, and rather than discussing it, rather than talking about where we go from here, you go off and become Boston’s Bachelorette.
” He says the last few words with a scowl, like it disgusts him.
“I’m not doing this with you.” I snatch the bottle of wine off the table.
Then because I can’t help myself, I go on.
“Before Avery was born, you dated any woman you wanted. I had to sit on the sidelines and watch as you slept with one puck bunny after another, and then you married one of them. I never so much as went on a single date, and you damn well know why.” Tears sting my nose, but I inhale deeply.
I will not cry. “I’m sorry if your life with Tabitha didn’t pan out like you hoped, but don’t I deserve to find someone too?
Or am I just supposed to sit here and watch from the sidelines again?
I already have to do that as your coach.
Don’t ask me to do that in any other facet of my life. ”
JJ opens his mouth and then slams it shut. Then with a simple nod, he breaks my heart. “Right. Of course. I’m sorry.”
Eyes falling closed, I let out a quick laugh. “You always are.”