Chapter 29
TWENTY-NINE
ADDIE
Twenty-One Years Old
Despite the winter chill, I feel nothing. Generally, I like the cold. I’ve yet to meet a hockey player who doesn’t. We kind of have to, since we spend hours in frigid arenas. Of course, I’m normally sweating under all my gear, so I’m not actually cold.
Still, I always soak in the first moment that the sensation hits me. It’s invigorating. Thrilling.
Right now the nip in the air is doing nothing for me. It’s not comforting and it’s not troublesome. It’s just there. JJ squeezes my fingers as we walk hand in hand toward the hospital. Twelve hours ago, we were in a hotel room, in our bubble of perfection. Cozy. Making plans for the future.
Now we’re minutes from meeting his daughter.
JJ has a daughter.
I’m going to be sick.
Yanking my hand from his, I pull up short on the sidewalk just outside the entrance. “You should go in without me.”
Frowning, he examines my face. His dark hair is mussed from pulling at it the entire flight and there are dark circles around his eyes. “Adeline, I can’t do this without you.”
My heart cracks. I want to be here for him. I know he needs me. But what about me? This isn’t…this wasn’t. Dammit, I don’t want to be angry, but I can’t help it.
JJ had a baby with someone else. With Tabitha. My stomach rolls.
It was no secret that JJ has dated women over the last few years.
I tried to ignore that little fact, of course.
We were barely ever in the same place because of our schedules, and he never took anyone home when I was around.
If anything, when we were out with friends, he’d be anxious to leave so the two of us could hang out on our own.
Women would flock to him and flirt, and it was like he didn’t see them.
And Tabitha was one of those women who seemed to always be at the bars the hockey players frequented.
When they weren’t at the one beneath the arena, that is.
I just thought he was smart enough to stay away from the likes of her.
And now she’s had his child.
A baby.
Still, he’s JJ. I buried my feelings for him for years so I could support him. I can do it for one more hour.
Nodding, I slip my hand into his again. “Okay, let’s go.”
Rather than continue on, he holds still, studying my face like he’s memorizing every feature. “I love you, Adeline. And I know this isn’t—” Eyes falling shut, he sighs. “I’m so fucking pissed at myself for doing this to you. Truly. And asking you to be here for me—”
“Hey.” I place my hands on his shoulders and squeeze. “Look at me.”
His blue eyes are watery as they hold mine, full of fear and desperation and maybe a little hope. Like I’m his salvation. So I straighten, digging deep for some version of confidence. “I love you. We’ll figure this out. Now let’s go meet your little girl.”
His eyes fall shut and he sags in relief. “I don’t deserve you,” he rasps. Then his lips are on mine, taking me in a sweet kiss. He pulls away quicker than I’d like, and as he links his fingers with mine, I tell myself that that kiss won’t be the last one we’ll ever share.
Still, I wish I’d savored it more.
Hand in hand, we walk inside, and after JJ gives his name to the receptionist, we’re given name tags and directed to the elevators.
We’re silent as the stainless-steel box climbs. When we hit the tenth floor, we step off and walk silently down the hall, following the signs on the walls. I pause when we get to room 1021, my breath stalling out.
This is the room where he’ll meet his child. She’s in there. But so is Tabitha. And I just—I don’t know how to do this.
“It was once,” he murmurs, staring at the closed door. “Before—” He shakes his head and then looks at me, expression pleading. “When you called me about the Olympics, when that girl answered…that was the first time you’d ever given me any indication that it bothered you that I was with a woman.”
Pain and frustration clash inside me. “So had I brought it up sooner, you’d have kept it in your pants?”
Eyes widening, he wavers, like he’s on the verge of losing his balance.
I slap my hand over my mouth, mortification shrouding me. “I’m sorry.”
He shakes his head. “You have nothing to apologize for.”
“We don’t have to do this right now,” I tell him. “This isn’t about me.”
“I need you to know this,” he says quickly.
“When I hung up the phone that night, I promised myself that I’d find a way to have you.
I hated myself for how you sounded and I hated that I wasn’t with you.
There has been no one since then and there never will be anyone but you.
I’m sorry that this is happening. It kills me that I put us in this situation, but Adeline, I need you.
” His eyes go glassy, like he’s fighting tears.
“Tabitha means absolutely nothing to me—”
“She’s the mother of your child,” I say softly. “I had a really shitty father. One who was never around. Who never put me first, or even second or third. I won’t let any child, especially yours, experience that kind of pain.”
He scowls, the look anguished. “I can be a father without being anyone to Tabitha.”
I shrug. “Maybe.”
I say the word, but I don’t believe it. I know women like Tabitha well. They’re everywhere hockey players tend to be. I’ve watched them work their charm for years. And they all have one goal. Tabitha got her wish. She’s not going to make this easy.
Still, I force a smile. “We’ll figure it out. Let’s just…go meet your daughter.”
“You’re the most important person in the world to me, Adeline.”
I smile sadly, my lips wobbling. “Not anymore. And I shouldn’t be.”
JJ blinks at me, like he’s considering denying it. But he’s a good guy. The best. The moment we walk in there, his heart is going to shift. As it should. I wouldn’t love him the way I do if he didn’t fall absolutely in love the second he sees his little girl.
So I smile when he leads me into the dimly lit room.
I smile as he goes quiet, taking in his daughter for the first time.
And I stand back, allowing him to choose her.
Thankful he chooses her. It’s the right thing to do.
Even if my heart is breaking, I stand tall, silently watching him settle on the bed beside Tabitha so he can hold his daughter.
“Does she have a name?” His voice cracks on the last word.
Tabitha, who looks annoyingly gorgeous twenty-four hours after a c-section, nods. “Her name is Avery Catherine Hanson.”
I have to bite back a spiteful laugh. She’s good. I’ll give her that. Naming her after JJ’s mom is diabolical, really.
JJ turns to me. “Hey, baby, come meet my daughter.”
Tabitha’s face falls. She shifts, her strawberry blond hair hiding her eyes, but I swear she’s shooting daggers at me as I take a step closer.
I ignore her for a moment, focusing instead on the soft smile on JJ’s face as he studies his little girl.
She’s so tiny, six pounds, two ounces according to the weight on the board.
Seventeen inches. She’s got fuzzy blond hair and rosy cheeks.
She lets out a big yawn, and when she opens her eyes, my heart stutters.
They’re the same color as JJ’s. Ice blue.
If there was ever any question about paternity, we’ve got our answer.
“Avery, this is Adeline. She’s my bestest friend in the whole world and I know she’ll be yours too. ”
Tabitha makes a squeaky sound. I ignore that too, instead focusing on the small hand wrapped around his pointer finger.
She squeezes and he laughs, his gaze flying to mine. “She’s got a good grip.”
“Hi, Avery,” I say. My voice sounds rough against my own ears. “It’s so nice to meet you.” I run my finger gently against her hand, a strange affection blooming inside me as the softness of her skin registers. “She’s perfect.”
He nods. “She really is.”
“Could you get me ice?” Tabitha asks. “And water?”
Stepping back, I glance at her. “Sure.”
“Not you,” she says. “JJ, can you?”
He silently defers to me. Not wanting to overstep or get involved, I nod quickly.
With a kiss to Avery’s forehead, he stands and faces Tabitha. “Do you want to hold her?”
“Put her in the bassinet,” she says with a wave of her hand. “They told me not to coddle her. Better that she gets used to being in a crib now.”
I frown. I’ve been surrounded by children my whole life, and never once has anyone warned against coddling a newborn.
“Oh, okay,” JJ says, sounding a little thrown too. He settles Avery in the clear plastic bassinet.
She makes a little whimpering noise, though she quiets quickly. Sweet baby. “Want to come with me?” JJ asks as he heads my way.
“I’m sure she’ll be fine without you for a few minutes,” Tabitha says. “Plus, it would be good for us to get acquainted.”
I give JJ another silent nod. I’ll be fine.
With a shrug, he pads out into the hall. He’s been gone a total of five seconds when Tabitha clears her throat and sits a little straighter in bed. “How long have you two been together?”
I want to look anywhere but at her, but I hold her stare, determined not to back down. “It’s new.”
She nods. “Right. Listen, I never wanted to be a mother.”
A shocked breath escapes me at her candor. “Okay.”
She doesn’t even look at the baby to her left. “I already found a couple to adopt. That was the plan when I thought she was my ex-boyfriend’s, but the second she came out, I realized that was highly unlikely.”
My stomach drops. “What?”
“My ex has very dark features. Olive skin, dark eyes. He’s Dominican. There’s no chance in hell that baby isn’t JJ’s.”
I want to argue with her, but Avery really does look like JJ. She has his eyes, and honestly, there’s this strange sixth sense inside me that tells me that this little girl belongs to him.
“The second I realized that, I made the call,” Tabitha continues.
“Made what call?” I’m having a hard time following this conversation, my head spinning.
Tabitha has an agenda. It’s clear as day, but I haven’t quite worked it out.
“I told the couple that I’d decided to keep her. But—” She holds up a finger. “And this is the important part, Adeline. My daughter and I won’t play second fiddle to you.”
Jaw slack, I shake my head. “I would never ask JJ to pick me over his child.”
She settles back against the pillow. “Good, then we’re in agreement.”
“What are we agreeing to?”
“You dump him. Tonight.”
My stomach rolls. This fucking bitch. And yet I’m not even a little surprised.
“Are you out of your mind?”
“No. I’m protective. And with you in the picture, JJ will never put me and our daughter first. So the choice is yours.
You stay with him, and I’ll push for the adoption.
His name’s not on the birth certificate yet.
He’ll have to fight it if he really wants her.
It’ll be a mess. Or you break up with him and give him the chance to be a father to his daughter. Give us a chance to be a family.”
My heart crumples in on itself. Family. God, had she used any other word, I might consider fighting back.
But she’s right. Avery deserves to have her father in her life.
JJ will be an incredible dad. And I…I never wanted to be a mother.
This will get messy. No matter what. With a woman like Tabitha in his life, JJ will never have peace.
And my presence will only make it worse.
JJ returns, a cup of ice in one hand and a pitcher of water in the other.
Tabitha’s smile turns sugary sweet as she thanks him.
He barely looks at her, instead focusing on the baby, picking her up and snapping a few pictures of her.
By the time we leave, it feels like I’ve been trapped in one of those twirly upside-down rides.
I can’t catch my breath or find my footing.
Every scenario I consider ends the same way.
JJ and I will be over. It’s only a matter of time.
But he’ll have his daughter. I won’t get in the way.
My whole life, my own father has wanted nothing to do with me, and that has shaped me into who I am now.
A woman who’s always a little chipped, a little broken.
I won’t do that to JJ’s daughter. I won’t do that to him.
“She’s so perfect,” he says as we get into the elevator. “My mom is going to lose it when she sees her.”
I force a smile. “Yeah, she is.”
“And my dad, oh my god, I can’t wait for them to meet her. Do you think Tabitha would let us take her over there to meet them once she’s out of the hospital?”
I shrug. “Maybe?”
“And your parents,” he rambles. “Can you imagine your dad’s reaction? And—”
I hit the emergency button and the elevator jolts. “JJ, stop.”
Eyes widening, he runs a hand over his face. “I’m so sorry.”
“Stop apologizing,” I say, aggravation bleeding into my tone. “You have a beautiful daughter. Don’t apologize for that. I’m happy for you. And your parents are going to love her, one thousand percent. But my dad,” I stare up at the ceiling and shake my head. “She can’t be in his life.”
“What?” The single word is dripping with confusion.
I flatten my lips together and sigh, forcing myself to look at him.
“I don’t want to be a mother.”
Confusion turns to pain. “What are you saying?”
I keep my shoulders back and my head high. I won’t waver. Because even though Tabitha forced my hand, it’s the truth. “I’m saying that I need to focus on my career, and you should focus on that little girl. She needs you.”
He stumbles back like I hit him. “And you don’t?” he asks, this time with shock and a decent dose of disdain.
It hurts, the way he’s looking at me now, but I shake my head, holding back the tears. “No, JJ, I don’t.”