Chapter 42
FORTY-TWO
JJ
When Vivi’s name flashes on my phone’s screen, my stomach drops.
Avery was not thrilled when she found out both Adeline and I would be gone for another week.
She cried herself to sleep last night, her tears breaking my damn heart.
This morning we took her to breakfast, and I told Adeline to head to the airport without me so we weren’t both leaving at the same time.
Unfortunately Avery fell asleep while watching a movie, and I thought maybe it would be better not to wake her when I had to leave. I second-guessed that thought the entire way to the airport, and I have a feeling this call is going to confirm I made the wrong choice.
“Hello,” I say as I check the console to confirm I’m not leaving anything important in the car.
“Daddy, where are you?” The sadness in Avery’s voice pierces my heart.
“I have to go to work, Aves. We went over this. Vivi has all sorts of fun things planned for you and your cousins. You won’t even miss me.”
“I already miss you,” she says through broken little tears.
Fuck, I don’t know if I can do this. I force myself to climb out and pop the trunk. Then I stare at the suitcase and consider turning around. I can’t keep doing this to my kid. It’s not fair.
“Aves.” I blow out a breath. What the hell do I do now? How do I make this okay?
“JJ, I got this,” Vivi says in the background. “Avery, what do you say we go check on the raccoons? I think Uncle Beckett left some treats for them.”
“I don’t want the raccoons. I want Daddy,” Avery sobs.
Jaw clenched, I close my eyes and run through my options. “What if I called Mimi?”
“Do you think…she’d want to…hang out with me?” Her soft voice breaks every few seconds as she tries to suck in little breaths, but there’s a hint of hope in her tone.
“Let me call her. If she’s around, I’m sure there’s nothing she would want to do more.”
“Do you think she’ll want me to stay the night?” Avery hedges, my little negotiator.
I chuckle. “I’ll see what I can do. But Aves, I gotta get off the phone to call her, okay?”
“Okay. I love you, Daddy. I’m sorry I’m not so brave.”
My gut clenches, nearly making me double over. “You are the bravest girl I know.”
“So I can still be on your team?”
The fissure in my heart, the one that showed up this morning when I left her, opens up. “There is not a thing in the world you could do that would keep you from being on my team. You don’t have to be brave for me. Okay?”
She sniffles. “Okay, Daddy.”
“I love you and I’ll talk to you soon.”
“Love you too.”
As I pull the phone away from my ear, Vivi tells Avery that she found the raccoon treats. When my little girl squeals, apparently changing her opinion on visiting the raccoons, my muscles relax a little. I grab my suitcase, shut the trunk, and lock the car. Then I dial my mother.
She quickly agrees to pick up Avery, offering to keep her for the entire week if that’s what Avery wants.
It’s not a permanent solution, but I don’t have any other choice.
I really don’t think bringing Avery on these road trips is the right way to go either, but maybe that would be better than constantly breaking her heart.
Maybe I should just hire a full-time nanny to travel with us.
I blow out a breath. I should discuss it with Adeline. Get her thoughts.
Feeling a little less like I’m going to crack a tooth but still like my heart is in my throat, I hustle through the airport. I’m late, so when I get to the gate, the team has already boarded.
I offer an apology to Gavin, but he only shakes his head. “I remember those days.”
I raise a brow.
“Avery having a tough time letting you go? Vivi used to scream and cry when I’d leave. What I’d do to have those days back,” he says with a wistful smile. “Now it seems everything I say is wrong.”
I grimace. Damn, that’s got to hurt. The Vivi I know is sweet and kind. I hope they figure it out.
He sighs. “She traveled with us until she turned five. Some of those days were rough, even with Millie’s help. Don’t be so hard on yourself.”
I’m an empath, there’s no doubt. I feel things deeply, but I rarely let the painful emotions show.
But I’m so goddamn overwhelmed right now.
I feel like I might just break. Tears blur my vision, but I press my tongue to the roof of my mouth and nod.
If I try talking right now, I’ll lose it.
So I squeeze his arm and head down the aisle.
He cuffs my shoulder, stopping me, and when I turn around, he holds my gaze. “It’s okay.”
I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. “I’m good.”
With a nod, he lets go.
Head down, I head straight to the back. The second I spot Adeline, a rush of relief hits me. For the first time in an hour, I’m hit with the urge to smile.
That evaporates quickly, though, when I realize the seat beside her is taken.
By Ryan fucking Hobbs.
I approach, standing a little too close to him, and say, “Aren’t you supposed to be sitting up front with the coaches?”
He darts a look at Adeline, then looks back my way. “I wanted to run a few things by Addie.”
“Should I sit here so we can all discuss?” Brow raised, I point to the row across from them.
It’s occupied, but the guys are watching me like they’re ready to hop up the second I ask.
Maybe it’s the expression on my face. Murder.
That’s what it probably says. I want to murder this guy.
And anyone who gets in my way. I’m just… today is not the fucking day.
“Oh, I wouldn’t want to bother you. Go rest. Addie and I have this covered.” He smiles again, dismissing me.
I lean to one side, assessing Adeline.
The look she gives me in return begs for me to listen.
Bray calls out to me from two rows back, probably sensing that I’m on the verge of losing my shit. “Hanson, I wanted to talk to you about something.”
With a grunt, I head in his direction. I slump in the seat beside him quickly and put on my seat belt. I’ve held up the entire team long enough. I may be pissed, but I’m not a complete dick.
My best friend turns my way, silently examining me.
I shake my head, facing forward. “Not in the fucking mood for your commentary, Cap.”
“I wasn’t going to say anything.”
I scoff. “Right.”
“He’s her coach, just like she was yours,” he reminds me. “Nothing is going on.”
“Yup.”
“Listen, I—”
“Seriously, Bray, I can’t do this right now,” I grit out. “My kid is having a meltdown because her mom hasn’t called in three fucking months. I can’t find the goddamn woman to serve her with divorce papers, and the woman I’m in love—”
I swallow down the words and shake my head.
Then I remove my headphones from around my neck and pull them over my ears.
Every step forward feels so precarious. I’m not sure which one is hiding quicksand.
Which will do me in, stealing all I’ve built over these last few weeks—things I’ve spent years praying for—as I sink.
Bray squeezes my knee. I don’t move. I can’t even accept his sympathy. So with my jaw locked tight and breathing through my nose to hold back the tears, I close my eyes and tune everyone out.
Hours later my mood hasn’t improved, but after a FaceTime call with Avery and my mother, my heart doesn’t hurt so much. My girl was all smiles and my mom promised that she and Dad were thrilled to have her for the week.
I swear I have the best parents in the world.
I’m brushing my teeth when a knock sounds on my door. Assuming it’s Adeline, I stride over to it and pull it open so she can get in quickly.
Sneaking around. Always fucking sneaking around.
She sighs, her shoulders sinking. “I know you’re pissed about Ryan, but—”
“I don’t give a fuck about Ryan,” I say around my toothbrush.
I head for the bathroom and spit into the sink.
After rinsing out my mouth, I set the toothbrush down and turn, only to find that Adeline has me cornered in the bathroom, blocking the door, so I prop myself up against the counter and cross my arms.
“Please, I know you aren’t thrilled that he’s our new coach.”
The chuckle that works its way out of me is dry and annoyed. “Do you blame me? The guy was obsessed with you years ago, and now here he is again, eye-fucking you every chance he gets.”
She folds her arms, her expression hard. “He’s our coach, nothing more.”
I blow out a breath. Fuck. I don’t want to fight. “Seriously, it’s not about Ryan. I’m just—I don’t think I’ll make good company tonight.”
Head tilted, Adeline frowns. “You want me to leave?”
“It’s Avery.” I pull on my neck. “She freaked out this afternoon. She’s taking Tabitha’s disappearance so damn hard, and I just—I can’t fucking find her.
Or get her to pick up the goddamn phone and talk to her daughter.
” My heart thunders, and I can feel my blood pressure rising.
“And until she’s served and I get custody arrangements in place, I can’t tell Avery a thing.
Hell, even then I don’t know that I can.
” I tug at my hair. “If I knew Tabitha would be gone for good, I could prepare Avery for that. But what if she comes back? Then what do I do? What if she finally gets served, only to fight for custody? I just—I don’t fucking know what to do, and every time I walk out that door, I feel like I’m failing my daughter. ”
Adeline steps forward, concern written all over her face. “Tabitha couldn’t just come back, could she? I mean, she abandoned Avery.”
“That’s what my attorneys will be arguing,” I mutter. “But that’s the point. I’m still fighting for my daughter. And until I work that out—”
Her eyes widen and her lips part. “Oh.” She takes a step back. “I can go. I didn’t mean to make things harder on you.”
I grasp her wrist, dragging my thumb over her soft, warm skin, soothing myself. “I’m just—I wanted you to know where my head was at. I didn’t mean I wanted you to leave. I never want you to leave. I want you to be part of this.” Forcing my head up, I admit, “I just don’t know if that’s fair.”
Eyes narrowing, she steps closer, standing taller.
“Fuck fair, JJ. No matter what, I would want to be here for you. But the way I love that little girl? I want—” She flattens her lips and takes a deep breath.
“I want to be whatever I can be for her. As much as you’re comfortable with.
Like Beckett was for me. He may not be my biological dad, but he’s more of a father to me than mine ever was.
It still hurts knowing that my biological father chose not to be part of my life, and Avery will experience the same kind of pain, no matter how much we want to protect her.
But we can show her that not everyone leaves.
That the people who truly love her will always show up.
I want to be that person for her. If you’ll let me. ”
As always, I’m blown away by this woman. By her heart. And for the first time in a long time, I don’t feel so alone in all of this. Adeline giving me a second chance was a long shot, but her loving my daughter the way she does is the dream.
Looping my arms around her, I pull her into my chest, and for the first time today, the pressure behind my ribs eases. I press a kiss to the top of her head and breathe her in. “I love you. You know that, right?”
She nods against my chest. “I love you too.”
“And Avery loves you.” With a sigh, I add, “I think she’ll be okay.”
Face tipped up, she gives me one of her soft smiles. “We’ll make sure she is.”
I press my mouth to hers. I need to be closer to her. Because today has been painful and this woman always makes things better.
She hums softly against my mouth, like she feels the same way.
Wrapping her arms around my shoulders, she pulls me closer, deepening the kiss.
Grunting, I settle my hands under her ass and pick her up. With her snug against me, legs around my hips, I walk into the bedroom and straight to the bed, where I fall on top of her.
“Need you,” I tell her between kisses.
I drag her onto my lap and pull on her top, fumbling and desperate.
She helps me by tugging it over her head and then undoing her bra.
While I struggle to remove her pants, she grasps the hem of my shirt.
She loses her balance and almost falls off my lap.
And as we break into laughter, I toss her onto the bed, stand up, and pull my pants down. I’m done playing games.
Licking her lips, she kicks her leggings into the corner of the room. And then she backs up on the bed until she’s lying against the pillows, naked, complete perfection.
“Fuck, I adore you.” I crawl up her body, kissing every spot I pass, only stopping when I make it back to her lips.
“I need you inside me.” She wraps her fingers around me and strokes.
I’m already hard. How could I not be when my literal dream girl is naked in my bed? She easily lines me up against her warm cunt. “No games, no foreplay,” she breathes. “Just fuck me. Please.”
I drink her in. My beautiful best friend. The woman who makes everything better. This is no different. The moment I sink into her, my worries and concerns dissipate.
“Shit,” she gasps against my mouth.
“Too quick?” I pull back, hovering above her.
Head shaking, she grasps my ass and pulls me deeper. “Better.”
With a grunt, I bury my hand in her hair. I can’t get over how much I love her. How right my life is when I’m with her. “Perfect,” I murmur against her mouth. “Fuck, baby, you’re so perfect. You make everything better. Please, please don’t ever leave me again.”
She smiles up at me, eyes glassy. “Will you go on a date with me when we get home?”
Surprise rockets through me, and I break into a grin. “Are you asking me to be your next bachelor?”
She shakes her head. “Savannah told me I could keep the person I’m dating a secret.
So I’m not asking you to be my next bachelor.
I’m asking you to be my secret boyfriend.
Fuck the piece of paper that says you’re married or magazines that say I’m single.
” She hesitates for only a second, and then she gives me that soft smile that I’m beginning to believe is just for me.
Just like she is. “Be mine, JJ, because I’m yours and I’m so tired of pretending we’re anything other than that. ”
“I’m yours, Adeline.” I press a kiss to her lips. “Always.” I shift my hips, then sink deeper. “And yes, I’ll be your secret boyfriend. And one day soon, the rest of it will be nothing but a memory. I promise.”