Chapter 44
FORTY-FOUR
ADDIE
JJ: Excited for our first official date, Angles?
Me: Feels like cheating calling it that…like we’re rewriting history or forgetting a big chunk of it.
JJ: Nah, I’m keeping every moment I’ve ever had with you.
I squeeze my eyes shut as the biggest smile spans my lips. Things have been so good since our last tour of away games. It’s so much easier when the two of us aren’t sneaking down hotel hallways and dodging teammates.
That Jack-and-Jill bathroom I was cursing a few months ago has become my salvation now.
No one even questions why we spend so much time together. We work together and we’ve known each other our whole lives. We share similar hobbies, and Avery is always begging me to hang with the two of them.
When she’s awake and I’m home, I can usually be found with her and the rest of the kids.
It’s been fun, and I’ve really gotten to see each of their little personalities.
I guess my mom was right when she said this would be good for all of us.
Winnie seems a little less stressed, the boys are much better behaved because my sister has support and because JJ and Finn are always gently correcting them in the way a second parent would.
Finn is here a lot. It’s possible he’s moved into the basement, but considering I don’t want him digging into my secrets, I haven’t pointed out that the guest bedroom down there looks lived in.
Vivi seems anxious, though. Or tired maybe.
I feel like I’ve been a bad cousin and friend because I’ve been in my bubble of joy and I haven’t checked in nearly enough.
With the holidays coming up, though, I really do hope she and her dad work out whatever the issue is.
My uncle adores her, and she’s not a bad kid at all.
I have faith that they’ll make amends eventually.
For now, Vivi doesn’t know what she wants in life, and in a family of overachievers, I can imagine that is a hard pill to swallow.
But she’s been great with the kids, going above and beyond most days, which JJ often mentions to Gavin.
Hope hasn’t attended her first girls’ night yet.
We had to postpone, so technically it’s my month to choose the activity.
I saw the coolest video of people playing tennis on the ice.
It’d be a blast setting something like that up on the pond behind Savannah and Camden’s house, but it hasn’t been cold enough to skate outside yet, so we’re sticking with pole dancing next week.
It’s physically painful keeping JJ a secret from them.
Confiding in each other is the part I love most about girls’ night.
With my travel schedule, I miss out on so much of their lives, no matter how dedicated I am to calling and texting.
But the moment we’re all in the same space, all the little details get spilled.
Thoughts and ideas, moments we’ve missed, big things that we forgot to mention, or, you know, felt weird mentioning.
Savannah and Josie have no filter, but Sutton isn’t quite as open, and now that she’s in New York performing on Broadway, we don’t see her nearly enough and we miss out on so many of her wins.
I hate it. Hence, girls’ nights.
“Who are you texting?”
At the sound of my father’s voice, I jump, and my phone clatters to the kitchen counter, knocking over the protein shake I just made. “Shit.”
Eyeing me warily, he reaches for the paper towels, then picks up my phone to wipe it off.
My stomach churns. Shit, what if he sees JJ’s name?
Heart racing, I try to snag the paper towel out of his hand. “I can do that.”
He chuckles, but he doesn’t let go. “I’m not going to look at your messages. You’re not twelve. You can have secrets.” He cleans it off, hands it back to me, then turns to the sink and picks up the sponge.
“What are you doing here?” I say awkwardly.
He glances over his shoulder, brows furrowed. “What’s going on with you?”
Instantly, I feel properly chastised. It’s silly to act this way, but my father is not going to be happy when he finds out about JJ and me, and I hate disappointing people.
It’s the competitor in me, mostly, though there are other factors, I suppose.
The whole abandonment thing for sure. I never want to give my dad a reason to leave me the way Drake did.
Shame hits me a second after that thought does. Beckett isn’t Drake, yet I can’t help but worry that one day, he’ll tire of me.
Why do I allow what one person did years ago dictate so much of my life and shape my personality? I doubt the man has so much as thought of us in years. Why does he get to consume so many of my thoughts?
“Can I ask you something?” I say instead of answering his question.
Face softening, he walks over with the sponge and works to clean the rest of my mess. “Of course.”
I take a deep breath. “Was it, um—” I twist my lips, searching for the right words. “Was it hard to get us kids to open up to you when you first came around? Like…did we struggle asking for…” I huff a breath. “When did things get easier for Finn and Winnie?”
He studies me, his green eyes full of curiosity.
When he doesn’t respond right away, I start to ramble. “The kids in this house…they all, well, they’re kind of like we were.” I don’t know why, but my eyes fill with tears. “Half families. With parents who walked away. Who didn’t choose them. Not Dec and Beck, I guess. But the girls.”
I swallow thickly and clear the emotion from my throat.
“I want to make things easier and I thought you might know how. Because you’re you, so you must have figured it out.
And, well, I don’t know. How do I do that?
How do I help Avery not feel like there’s something wrong with her because her mom won’t call her back? ”
Dad drops the sponge onto the counter, leaving the mess as it is, and pulls out the stool beside me.
As he angles my way, I swear his shoulders take on my burden.
Like he’s feeling it with me. Helping me carry it.
Then he shakes his head. “I don’t think you can fix that.
And I certainly couldn’t fix it for Winnie and Finn.
Especially Winnie.” He sighs. “But I want to be very clear about this: I’m a selfish man, Addie.
I loved your mother so much. For a very long time. Probably longer than was appropriate.”
I let out a surprised laugh. “Really?”
He nods, his mouth curving into a wistful smile. “Had I known how badly she struggled and for how long, I wouldn’t have hesitated to break up their marriage.” He shrugs, grimacing a little. “I was a bit obsessed.”
My smile grows. That’s not new information. He loves my mother fiercely. She loves him completely, but there’s something extra in everything my father does.
“My point is,” he starts, hands on his knees, “I didn’t want Drake in the picture.
I had come in and everything was going well, but I knew that I couldn’t just replace him.
” A shock of pain flits across his face.
“I wasn’t their father. I could step in and raise them and love them, but they’d always have the scars he left on them.
So your mother and I gave him another chance.
But only one. He had a choice. Be in your lives or be out.
Because the coming in and out whenever he chose would have been catastrophic to them. ”
I nod.
“I say I’m selfish because I wept the day he told us he’d give up custody completely.”
I frown. This part of the story is new to me. They never said a word.
“And they weren’t tears of sadness, Little One. They were tears of joy. Because I could finally be their dad.”
“You keep talking about them, but that’s me too,” I choke out.
He straightens, his eyes widening. “What?”
“He didn’t choose me either. I-I wasn’t enough. Or maybe I was the too much. I was the third child, and I was barely more than a baby when he left. So maybe it wasn’t them. Maybe it was me.”
His eyes fall shut and he shakes his head. For the first time in my life, he mutters a legitimate curse in front of me.
“Fuck.” The word is so quiet that I could almost make myself believe he said duck if he hadn’t emphasized that F sound.
“I’m sorry. You…” God, I sound like an asshole. Our father has given us everything, and here I am telling him I’m broken up about some man he had to step in for. A man who left a mess for him to clean up. “This was silly. You’re right. Avery is better off. We’ll all figure it out together.”
Clearing his throat, he grasps my hand. “You were the first person to ever call me Dad.” He offers me a tight smile, a little bit of moisture gathering in his eyes.
“I guess I didn’t lump you in with Winnie and Finn because he never got that.
I got that name. You and I shared a bedroom when I moved into the old brownstone, did you know that? ”
I nod. I’ve heard the stories many times.
“You were the cutest thing I’d ever seen.
Sweetest little girl. You were two, and you were the first person in the house to take to me.
Even before your mother or Finn. You were always happy to be in my arms. You never cried, and you were never fearful of this strange man who showed up one day.
We—” His throat bobs. “We always had a special bond.”
Tears fill his eyes in earnest now, and I can’t help but tear up too.
“I don’t put you in that category with your brother and sister not because I love them any differently than you or the twins. All five of you are mine. Have been since the day I met you. But you were my first. You called me Dad and you made me a dad.”
He presses his tongue into his cheek, like he needs a moment to compose himself.
“So, Adeline, don’t you ever think you were not enough because some man didn’t choose you.
Instead remember that this man has always chosen you.
And I will choose you every day for the rest of my life.
You tell Avery that. Or better yet, show her that she’s surrounded by all kinds of people who love her.
So what if she only has one parent? Your uncles and aunts have loved you fiercely since day one.
Family is not who you are born into; family is who shows up. ”
With tears streaming down my cheeks, I suck in a hard breath. “I’m sorry, Daddy.” I throw my arms around him, practically knocking him off his stool, but he catches me. Because he always does. He always has.
And he always will. It’s time to stop wondering why a man I don’t even know didn’t choose me. Because two wonderful men have.
My dad squeezes me tightly and presses a kiss to my head. “You don’t ever have to apologize for having feelings. I have a lot of them,” he says with a wry laugh.
“You are the best man I know,” I tell him honestly. “I’m so glad Mom found you for us.”
He tilts his head back, trying to keep from crying.
“Let’s start over again,” I say, trying to lighten the mood. “Hi, Dad. What brings you here today?”
He looks at me, eyes shining, a smile on his face. “Holiday Skate is today, remember? I’m taking the boys so Winnie can relax.”
“And family always shows up,” I breathe out in understanding.
He nods. “Yes, they do.”