Chapter 14
Chapter Fourteen
ELIZABETH
“Elizabeth Fairchild? Please follow me.”
The receptionist, an older woman with curly gray hair pulled tight in a high bun, greets me as I walk behind her down a short hallway and into a large office that looks like someone’s grand study. The room is supposed to be designed to make one relaxed and comfortable, but for me, it’s an epic fail. No amount of plush seating, soft ambient light, or muted color scheme will put me at ease.
I place my bag on the floor next to a brown checkered couch and take a seat.
“Dr. Clairemont will be right with you. Can I get you anything? Water? Coffee? Tea?”
“No, thank you.” I smile at her, my hands twisting in my lap from nervousness.
The receptionist leaves and closes the door. I know I promised Daniel that I would make an appointment with Dr. Clairemont after I arrived in North Carolina and got settled in my new apartment, but that was weeks ago, and I continued to put it off. Daniel called me yesterday to let me know I had an appointment today and not to miss it. So, here I am.
I shift around some more on the couch, but nothing helps. It’s lumpy and too soft. How am I supposed to relax when it feels like I’m sitting on a marshmallow?
The door opens, and a willowy woman wearing red-rimmed glasses, an expensive blue silk blouse, and a pinstriped straight skirt floats through the door, holding a large manila folder. She has black, straight hair tied in a low ponytail. I stand up and take the hand she offers.
“Elizabeth, it’s so nice to meet you. I’m Dr. Deborah Clairemont. I apologize if I made you wait. I was finishing a phone conversation with your doctor in Seattle.”
I don’t ask her which one because I had a lot of different doctors: neurologists, surgeons, psychologists, and physical therapists.
Dr. Clairemont indicates for me to sit as she takes a seat in the chair opposite me and crosses her legs.
“I know it will take a few sessions for us to get to know one another better. I would like to start by meeting with you at least two times a week, perhaps three, if that suits your schedule.”
“I’ll be starting college on Monday, so I’ll need to look at my schedule and get back to you if that’s all right,” I reply.
“Perfect. Let me begin by saying that I can’t possibly put myself in your shoes, and I know how difficult things must be for you. It’s my job to help you keep a positive mental outlook and work through any problems or concerns you have about what you are feeling or experiencing. I’ve read over your medical file and have spoken with your doctors in Seattle.” She leans forward. “You are a very courageous young woman.”
Tears prick the back of my eyes, but I blink them away.
Dr. Clairemont sits back in the chair, her eyes kind and soft. “Let’s just jump in, shall we? How are you adjusting to the move back to North Carolina?”
I reach inside my bag for the bottle of water I brought with me and take a sip before answering.
“It’s good. I, um, have an apartment. Daniel and Drew had my car delivered, so I’ve been able to get out and not be stuck indoors. I’ve visited the CU campus and walked around. Went to the beach a couple of times and to a go-kart place.”
“That all sounds lovely.”
“It was. I’ve met a few people. Um, four of them were my friends growing up…apparently.”
Well, that sounded lame.
“Oh? How do you feel about that?” She starts finger-typing on her tablet as I speak.
“Angry,” pops out of my mouth first. “Confused. Happy.”
“You felt angry? Let’s explore that a little. Did you recognize any of the people you met?”
“No.”
She types on her tablet again.
“Well, I kind of have had these flashes of Ryder.”
“Can you tell me more about these flashes?”
I chew on my thumbnail. “These sessions are confidential, right? I mean, Daniel and Drew won’t know what I say to you even though they’re paying for everything, right?”
“Anything you tell me during our sessions is protected and confidential.”
“I’ve been having these, um, like memory flashes or dreams or something. I kind of zone out or black out when they happen.”
Dr. Clairemont opens the file she brought in. “Every MRI you have had, including your most recent one a month ago, were all normal. Have you had any headaches with these events?”
“No.”
“Hmmm. Let’s get you scheduled for another MRI just to make sure. Do you have a neurologist here in town that you are seeing?”
“Yes. Daniel has sent all my records to Dr. Narwali at Carolina Medical. I have an appointment to see him next week.”
“Yes, I know Dr. Narwali. I’ll get in touch with him after our session today and recommend he schedule a new MRI for you.” She makes a note on her tablet. “Let’s continue discussing the memory flashes you’re having. Can you describe them to me?”
“The few I remember are brief images of me and Ryder. Or a girl that looks like me, but her hair color and eyes are different. Then he’s there.”
“ He ? Do you know who he is?”
“The person who hurt me. Sometimes I can feel the knife.” My hand wraps around my side to my broken butterflies. “Sometimes his eyes.”
Dr. Clairemont notices my uneasiness, and she moves on to another question.
“We’ll come back to that in a minute. Can you tell me more about Ryder?”
Just hearing his name makes me smile.
“The four guys I met, Ryder’s one of them. There’s also Julien, Jayson, and Julien’s boyfriend, Elijah. Ryder, Julien, Jayson, and I supposedly grew up together and have known each other since we were kids, but I don’t remember. They showed me pictures.” I take out my phone and show her a few of the pictures they sent me. “The first time I saw Ryder, I ran away from him.”
“Do you know why you ran away from him? Was he threatening in any way?”
“No. He was so happy to see me. He cried. It’s just…I can’t really explain it. There’s this entire history there with them that I can’t remember. Ryder and I have been hanging out a lot lately. I love being with him. He makes me happy. I feel safe with him. I like him a lot.” My gaze drops to the floor in embarrassment to admit that out loud. “Then there are the twins, Julien and Jayson.” I shift on the couch. “I kissed Julien a couple weeks ago. I don’t know why I did.”
Dr. Clairemont stands up and comes to sit beside me. She places her hands near my neck. Are doctors supposed to touch you during therapy sessions?
“Why would you kiss him, Elizabeth?” A deep voice fills the room. “Why would you do that?”
Wait. What’s going on? Did someone else come into the room?
“Dr. Clairemont, did you hear that?”
I freeze when a knife presses under my throat.
“Don’t you see, Elizabeth?”
The blade nicks my chin, and I whimper at the sharp slice of pain. Dark shadows pass across the walls. My body is paralyzed, unable to move. I’m not on the couch anymore, I’m bound to a chair.
“Don’t you see, Elizabeth?” Dr. Clairemont yells at me, her eyes changing, one morphing into blue, the other brown.
I open my mouth to scream, but all that comes out is a whoosh of air as the knife, stained with blood, plunges into my side.
“Lizzie!”
In front of me, the man straddles a girl. Her hazel eyes stare back at me. Her body is covered in horrific burn marks and red welts.
I watch helplessly as he brings the knife up and plunges it into her prone, lifeless body.
No! Stop!
Blood sprays everywhere, coating me in putrid crimson.
I scream.
My eyes fly open, and I’m gasping for breath. A loud thump comes from my bedroom wall. I hear a muffled, angry shout from the other side. It’s my next-door neighbor, yelling for me to shut the hell up because he’s trying to sleep. Not this again. I rip the sheet from my drenched body and pound on the wall above the headboard.
“Fuck off, asshole!” I shout.
The thumping stops.
I slide off the bed and sit on the carpeted floor. Knees bent, I fold into myself and cry. The nightmare felt so real.
Reaching over to my bedside table, I grab my phone, but I’m shaking so badly, I drop it. It takes me a few minutes, but I’m able to turn it on and press Call.
“Hello?”
A streak of sunlight streams in through the slats of the window blinds, abruptly waking me when it shines across my closed eyelids. Groaning, I turn over, but something hard and warm pulls me back. My eyes blink open to see liquid silver gazing back at me.
“Julien?”
“How are you feeling?” his sleep-rumpled voice asks me.
Confused as to why he’s in my bed, I’m slow to answer. “Hungry.”
He brushes my knotted hair from my face.
I jump when a deeper voice says, “I saw a block of cheese in your fridge. I can go make us some grilled cheese sandwiches.”
I roll over to find Ryder’s golden eyes looking at me. He’s the warm, hard thing I was spooning with? Oh, dear god.
The hazy fog of early morning sleep begins to quickly evaporate, but before my brain fully clicks on, Jayson walks into my bedroom holding a cup of coffee, its rich aroma permeating the air.
“Good morning. How are you feeling?”
“Already asked her that,” Julien says.
“Well, I’m asking her now, asshat.”
I ease up and gratefully accept the mug Jayson hands me. I drink half of it, not caring that it scalds my tongue raw.
The quick infusion of caffeine helps wake me up, and I’m able to recall the events of last night. During my meltdown, I called Ryder. Within ten minutes, all three of them arrived at my apartment in the middle of the night. I don’t know how long I cried, but I do remember Ryder holding me and telling me that everything was going to be okay. I remember Jayson carrying me to my bed. And I remember how they stayed with me until my tears eased and I fell asleep.
“I feel stupid,” I reply.
Not just stupid, but extremely embarrassed that I freaked out so badly over a bad dream.
Jayson sits on the end of the bed. His face is bruised on one side, and the top of his right eye has a gash covered with a butterfly bandage. I know he boxes at the gym, but Jesus . He looks like he went three rounds with a brick wall.
Julien yawns and scratches his head, making his dark brown hair stick up at the top.
“Any more nightmares?”
“No.”
“Want to talk about it?”
I slide my gaze over to Ryder. No one should look that good in the morning just after waking up.
“No.”
“Liz.”
I look at Jayson when he says my name. “Jayson.”
“We need to talk about last night.”
“No. We don’t.”
“Yes, we do.”
I hide behind my coffee cup. “Were you always this damn bossy?”
“You used to love my bossiness.” His mouth quirks up, and I notice he also has a split lip.
“There’s an ice pack in the freezer if you want it.”
I wave my hand, indicating all the places on his face that are busted and bruised.
Ryder sits up and drapes an arm across his bent knee. “I agree with Jay. Let’s get some breakfast and then talk.”
Knowing it’ll be pointless to argue because I’m outnumbered, I head to the bathroom. “I need a shower first.”
Out of habit, I lock the bathroom door.
Getting undressed, I refuse to look in the mirror, knowing heterochromatic eyes will be staring back at me if I do.
Taking my time, I let the hot spray of the shower rinse away the remaining cobwebs and prepare myself for what I’m sure is going to be a conversation I’m not going to enjoy. But they deserve answers, especially after I dragged them out of their beds in the middle of the night.
Dressing quickly, I’m not prepared for the sight that awaits me when I walk into my kitchen. Ryder, Jayson, and Julien. Shirtless, in jeans, and barefoot.
How in the hell did my poor teenage self survive surrounded by… that ?
Julien is the first to notice me standing dumbstruck in the entryway. “There’s our girl.”
Ryder holds up cheese and a stick of butter and moves over to the stove. “Pans?”
“Oh. Right.” I open the drawer below the oven and take out a frying pan. “Here you go.”
Julien hands him slices of bread, while Jayson makes more coffee. They move around the kitchen so easily. It’s so…domiciliary, like family.
Jayson keeps flexing his right hand, so I take his wrist and pull him over to the small round table in the breakfast nook.
“Let me look at that.”
He doesn’t argue and takes a seat on one of the wooden chairs. Examining the damage, I notice that his knuckles are crusted with blood but not bleeding. I tilt his face up and turn it side to side to check the bruises on his face. I realize that it’s the first time I’ve initiated touching him.
“I don’t get boxing. Why do something that hurts you?”
“You first. Tell me what happened last night.”
Ryder and Julien come to the table and dish out four plates of grilled cheese and cups of coffee.
Ryder pulls my chair out for me, and I sit down.
Not touching their food, they look at me expectantly and wait.
Just tell them.
“I had a dream about him ,” I begin, concentrating on nibbling a corner of my sandwich. “I keep having flashes of the night he hurt me. Of the knife. His eyes. Always his fucking eyes. One blue, one brown. He keeps asking me the same question.”
“What does he say?” Jayson asks, his voice gruff and raw.
“He wants me to see. But I don’t know what. That’s all he says. ‘Don’t you see, Elizabeth?’ ”
Ryder extends his arm across the table and covers my hand. “He’s never going to hurt you again.”
I absorb the strength of his words and of his touch, needing that surety. Don’t they know that he hurts me every damn time I see the scars?
“I don’t box, I fight,” Jayson says. “That’s why I’m busted up.”
Thankful for the reprieve, I say, “I don’t understand. Boxing is fighting.”
“Yes, but that’s not what I do. A bunch of guys get together and pound the shit out of each other.”
My face scrunches in distaste. “Why would you do that?”
“It’s a way to release tension.”
“How long have you been doing it?”
“About ten months.”
Growing concerned, I reply, “You let yourself get hurt like that on purpose?”
“I need it,” he confesses.
I’m at a loss for words. Why would he want to intentionally put himself through that?
And then it hits me.
I’m the reason.
He hurts himself because of me. He started fighting after I was taken to Seattle. He’s broken because of me. He’s broken, just like me.
Rising from the chair, I walk around the table to where he’s sitting. I take his face between my hands, and with a soft but firm tilt of his head, I bring his eyes to mine, wanting him to see my resolve.
“Stop hurting yourself. Stop fighting.”
He forces out a choked, “I can’t.”
“I’ll help you.” A single tear streaks down my cheek as my gaze shifts from him to Ryder and Julien. “We’ll help each other. I’m ready. I want to know. I think it’s time we start to heal each other. I want you to tell me about my past, so I understand better. But I also need you to accept the girl I am now . I can’t be your old Elizabeth.”
Jayson pulls away from my touch and crosses his arms over his chest. “It won’t be that simple, Liz. You may not remember who you are, but I sure as hell do.”
Ryder shoots Jayson a scathing look.
“I need you to try,” I entreat, a quiet plea layered beneath the demand. I sink back into my chair and pick up my half-eaten grilled cheese on my plate. The bread is slightly chewy, and the cheese has congealed, but I eat it anyway. “Okay, then. Why don’t you start by telling me about the first day we met?”