Chapter 36
Chapter Thirty-Six
ELIZABETH
It’s been three full days since I left the hospital. Seventy-two long hours. Four thousand, three hundred and twenty never-ending minutes.
It’s been three full days since the boys brought me to their place. I haven’t left their condo. I haven’t been to class.
It’s been three full days since I refused to speak with Daniel. He flew back home yesterday. I turned my phone off, so I don’t know if he or Drew has tried to contact me. I wouldn’t speak to either of them if they did.
It’s been three full days since I learned my little girl was dead. A pregnancy I don’t even remember and perhaps never knew about. How fucked up is that? A precious, innocent life that was stolen from me by that monster. The monster that took everything from me. My family, my daughter, my previous life. The life I should be living right now. The one where I wake up at two in the morning to feed my little girl. The one where I hold her tiny, sweet-smelling body and rock her to sleep. The one where I sing her lullabies. The one where I knit her a pair of little booties that she would keep and one day give to her daughter. Elizabeth Ann would have been almost nine months old now.
“Can’t sleep?” Jayson asks.
In the darkness of the bedroom, I can just make out the silhouette of his face on the pillow next to mine.
“No.”
“Me neither.”
Rolling onto my side, I lace my fingers with Ryder’s. He pulls me against him and spoons me. His breath fans over my shoulder when he places a tender kiss on the side of my neck.
“Jules’s snoring doesn’t help.”
Julien is asleep at the foot of the bed. He conked out last night after soccer practice.
The guys didn’t want me to be alone, and I didn’t want to leave them. Ryder and Jayson have stayed home with me every day. Julien couldn’t because of soccer.
After the fucked-up mess that was Tuesday night, things between Ryder and Jayson have been eerily calm. Ryder has been allowing me the time I need to be with Jayson, so he and I can work through our emotions about the daughter we lost but never knew existed.
I know they’re tabling things for my sake, but I also know a future confrontation about what was said at the library is inevitable, despite their current tentative truce. And I’m terrified of the fight I know is coming. For now, though, my mind is dealing with too many other things, and I can’t take on yet another burden.
I tap Ryder’s arm. Since sleep continues to elude me, I might as well get up.
Trying not to disturb Julien, we slip out of bed and shut the bedroom door once we’re out in the hallway.
“Anyone want coffee?” I yawn.
“I’ll make it,” Ryder says and pads off to the kitchen.
Jayson heads down the hall to his bathroom. “You want in first?”
“No, you go ahead. I can wait. Coffee first.”
When I walk into the kitchen, Ryder already has the Keurig going. I lean a shoulder against the jamb and just look at him. He’s such a good man. The way he’s been there for me and Jayson the last few days. The way he loves me with his whole heart. If I were to wax poetic, I would say that Ryder’s love is like a stunning watercolor etched deep into the fabric of my soul. It’s powerful and transformative, and because of it, I have found a strength I didn’t know I had.
Something I must’ve read at some point pops into my mind. Love has the ability to turn the ordinary into the extraordinary and the broken into beautiful.
“Hey. Didn’t hear you come in,” he says when he sees me.
“Just enjoying the view.”
I leave my place at the entryway and go to him. Ryder sets the mug down on the center island, and I walk into his embrace. I love the way he smells. Something woodsy and slightly citrusy, and all him.
“I’m sorry if I kept you up,” I tell him, lightly rubbing my cheek against the soft hairs of his chest.
“I don’t think any of us slept. Well, other than Julien, clearly.”
I smile at his wry humor.
“I think a stampede of rhinos doing a tap dance on his chest wouldn’t wake him up,” I reply.
“He’s had a rough week.”
“We all have.” I lift my tank top and touch the C-section scar. “I hope she knows how much I love her. That must sound so stupid.”
Ryder places his hand over mine. “No, it doesn’t. You would have loved your little girl with everything in you.”
I ask him the question that has haunted me for three days. “Did I know I was pregnant but never told Jayson about it? Or was I as clueless as he was?”
“I know you, Elizabeth. You didn’t know. If you did, you would have told us. You would have shouted it out to the world.”
The tears that were barely clinging behind my eyes rush over. “I want to kill him for what he did. For what he took.” The venom in my voice comes out strong. “I hate him .”
Ryder bands an arm around my lower back and cups my face.
“He will never hurt you again,” he says and gives me the kiss I have been wanting since I walked into the kitchen.
No matter how out of control my world feels right now, this man right here brings me back. He grounds me with his love and his unwavering support. He heals me with every kiss he gives.
I press closer, delving deeper, and a low grumble of a moan passes from him into me.
As much as my heart hurts, I can’t let him win. I can’t let hate win. I need time to process. Time to grieve. I need to see where my daughter is buried so I can tell her how much she was loved. That love is the one thing he can never take from me.
Ryder and I separate when we hear footsteps coming down the hallway. I pick up the mug, taking a sip, and immediately burn my mouth.
“My bathroom’s available for anyone who needs it.” Jayson wraps his arms around me from behind, his chin resting on my shoulder.
I don’t try to move away. Ryder doesn’t say a word. We both understand Jayson needs this connection with me right now.
“I foresee a very long nap later today,” Jayson says next to my ear.
I sip more coffee and nod in agreement.
“I’m going to check to see what assignments I need to do for today. I should call Meredith, too. I hope she’s not too mad at me for ghosting her this week.”
“Invite her over,” Ryder suggests. “Coffee?” he asks Jayson, refilling the water depository.
“Please.”
“Let me see how I feel. I’m not ready to reenter the world just yet. I’m giving myself until Monday. I canceled my appointment with Dr. Clairemont for today. I do, however, need to get some fresh clothes from my apartment. Check my mail.”
It’s a given that I’ll continue to stay with them for as long as I need to. If it was up to them, I would have been moved in three days ago.
“Liz,” Jayson says, turning me around to face him. “I would like to tell my parents. They should know.”
The coffee turns to acid in my stomach. “That’s going to be a very unpleasant conversation.”
How do we tell his parents that we got pregnant, and they had a granddaughter that we never knew existed in the first place?
“I can’t spring this on them over the phone. I’d like it if you would come home with me so we can do it together. They’ve been wanting to see you anyway.”
I jerk back and collide with Ryder. A splash of coffee spills from my mug, so I put it down.
“Jayson, I can’t. I just can’t. The house. I’m not ready to see it yet.”
I’m not ready to go back to the place where my family was murdered. Going home with Jayson means that I will see it. I won’t be able to avoid it because I know our houses are right next to each other. It means I’ll have to face that awful night for real. And I’m not ready. Not now, after everything I just learned.
“Shit, Liz. I didn’t even think.”
“I would like to go see her. Elizabeth Ann. Do you think we could fly to Seattle sometime so we can see our daughter?”
Julien walks in at that moment. “We’ll all go. Let me check with Coach and see if I can get a couple of days off. We usually have a week between each match, so hopefully it won’t be an issue.”
He hauls me away from Jayson, and I’m treated to my third morning hug.
“Next time I zonk out like that, carry my ass to my room. I’d still be asleep if someone’s toe wasn’t trying to embed itself in my brain. Jay kept kicking me in the face.”
“You snored all fucking night.”
As soon as the Keurig sputters and clicks off, Julien steals his coffee.
“Hey! Hands off.”
Julien takes a long gulp, grinning the entire time. “This is really good. You should make yourself some.”
“Asshole.”
Ryder pops a new pod into the machine.
“Everybody’s up but Elijah. Why don’t we remedy that?” Julien says with a mischievous grin.
Elijah has been sleeping in Julien’s room, instead of the dorms. I appreciate more than words can say how the guys have rallied around me this week.
“Race you,” I call out, already dashing out of the kitchen.
We’ve existed in so much heartache the past three days, it’s nice to have some levity sneak in.
The guys easily catch up with me, and I fling Julien’s bedroom door open with a loud crack.
“Holy fuck!” Elijah yells and falls off the side of the bed. “That wasn’t funny!” he hollers from the floor on the other side of the room.
“Wake up, baby!” Julien dives over the bed with an impressive belly slide. He lands on top of Elijah with an umph .
I leap on top of the bedcovers, but Ryder tackles me from the side and pins me down.
“Jayson, stop!” I shriek when he tickles my feet.
“Say flubberjizz ,” Ryder says.
“What does that even mean?” I snort because I’m laughing so hard. “Julien, help!”
“A little busy.”
Ryder blows a raspberry on my stomach. “Say flubberjizz , and we’ll let you up.”
I concede when Jayson goes for my most ticklish spot under my knees.
“ Flubberjizz! Flubberjizz! ”
“What the hell is flubberjizz ?” Elijah says from the floor.
When they let go, I roll to my stomach and poke my head over the side of the bed. Elijah and Julien are no longer wrestling; they’re making out.
“Good morning, Elijah.”
“Hey, Liz.”
I smack Julien’s ass, and he involuntarily jumps.
“Shit! Watch the balls!” Elijah exclaims.
Jayson peers down at them. “Are you about to fuck?”
Julien’s hands slide underneath Elijah’s shirt. “Yes, so get out of my room.”
“I want to watch.” My jest stops everyone in their tracks. Four sets of eyes gape at me. “Good grief, I was joking.” Crawling off the bed, I walk backward out of the room. “I’m hungry for pancakes. Feed me.”
I can’t hide away in their condo forever. Time to reemerge into the world. And that starts with pancakes.