Chapter 16
Mila
I hate him! Loathe, protest, and secretly applaud his skill at mind games. I lost control earlier; actually, I lost it the moment I looked at Dash in that office. He made me feel—intoxicated, and I just lost it.
I still believe he will help free me from my life, and I ’ m not sure that makes me a bigger fool.
Dance practice was shit! I couldn ’ t concentrate, which made Mr. Leblanc angry, so he kept hitting other students who didn ’ t have my last name. Students he could prey on. Guilt hit me, so I have no choice.
I just need to feel in control.
Luckily for me, everyone is either getting ready for the spectacle that is The Cleansing or practicing their forced-upon hobbies. Just because it ’ s the weekend doesn ’ t mean we get a break. I have dance practice every single day. However, the girls ’ locker room is empty at this time. Just the way I need it.
I ’ ve never done this in the closed doors of my dorm. I fear if I did, I wouldn ’ t be able to stop. I ’ d do it every night. Make it too simple for myself. So I do it publically when no one is watching.
I grab the medical supply box and bring it to the sink. The scent of alcohol fills the air, burning my nose as I sanitize the tips of my fingers. Then, I pull out the safety pin from the supply kit and clean it as well. It ’ s supposed to be used to clip the bandage wrap, but I have other uses for it.
I just need to feel in control.
It ’ s just something small, just the tip of the pin; it ’ s only a needle prick. It ’ s not a razor. One little poke isn ’ t as bad as a cut from a razor blade.
I press the needle to the tip of my index finger, watching it indent a circular impact into my skin and then—
Zap!
My inhale is quick due to the sensation of the prick, but my exhale is slow. Controlled.
I leave the needle sunken only a small bit into my flesh, and then I pull it out, feeling another zap. I roll my shoulders, knowing this is wrong. It ’ s so wrong. I ’ m sliding down a hill that ’ s wet and muddy, falling.
Why fight the uphill climb? Just slide. Indulge.
I don ’ t want to do this. If I were free, I wouldn ’ t have to, right?
Dash ’ s voice echoes in my mind like a hauntingly delightful friend.
“ Just remember, Mila, being free won ’ t piece you back together.”
“ What will?” I whisper. Of course, the devil hears.
“ It ’ s usually the thing you fear most,” he replies.
What do I fear most? Maybe it ’ s that question.
“ What the fuck…” a deep voice roars, then hesitates as if he ’ s opening the gates of hell to drag me inside. “ Are you doing?” Dash booms.
Oh, shit…he just saw inside me again.