15. CHAPTER 15
I push the broom down the solar panel to clear the snow, then listen to it as it hits the fresh powder at the back of the cabin.
The sun's barely up, but my head is pounding and I couldn't sleep.
I was out like a light the second my head hit the pillow. But when I woke up a few hours later, needing to piss, everything changed.
At the bottom of the stairs I almost tripped over the towel I'd discarded there before traipsing naked up to my loft.
Then I saw the DVD case still sitting on the floor by the TV, the box of tissues still on the couch, Jin sleeping where he'd…
where we'd… and my delayed post-nut clarity came crashing down on me like a ton of bricks.
For once, Jin did nothing wrong. He followed my lead, and did what he thought I wanted.
And I did want it—at the time.
I felt so free. I didn’t care what I said, or what I did.
I didn’t give a fuck if Jin heard me moaning, because I was so drunk and horny and wanted to come so badly without having to hide myself away.
But I shouldn't have dragged him into it.
I shouldn't have pulled my dick out in front of my best friend's little brother.
I can blame it on the beer, and I can blame it on my unrelenting hormones fighting to control every damn thing I do, but in the end, I'm the one who fucked up, and I can't even look at him because no matter how hard I try to convince myself that it wouldn't have mattered whether Jin was there or not, I know it's a lie.
Him being there is what made it so hot.
He thinks I wish he was a girl, but in all honesty, I don’t care.
It’s not what he is, it’s who he is. And that’s what got me off.
What am I meant to say to him now? Acknowledging it will only make it more awkward, but the alternative is a giant elephant sitting in the room with us.
If the road was clear, I think this would be the card that brought the whole house down. He'd already be in my truck, and I'd have him half way back to his parents by now.
The urge to stomp on the roof and wake him is strong, but I hold back. Giving him a reason to say something to me is the last thing I need.
My phone vibrates in my back pocket, but I ignore it. Nothing good can ever come from a phone call this early in the day.
After all the solar panels are clear, I walk over the porch roof and throw the broom into the clearing Jin made yesterday. It sinks into the fresh snow, but it's not deep enough to worry about. The fire pit is still there, too, and most of the wood is covered in white.
My phone buzzes again, and I take it out of my pocket and sit on the edge of the roof.
"What?"
"I see you survived the storm."
"What gave it away?"
"Solitude doesn't seem to have dulled your cheery disposition."
"I'm on the roof. You're lucky I answered at all."
"You didn't."
"Yet you still persisted."
"What else am I gonna do?"
"Still be sleeping. It's seven-thirty in the morning."
"You know I workout every morning before work."
"You mean you're still showing up?"
"Someone has to make us some money."
I rest my forehead in my palm, and the initial pressure is a relief until the throbbing starts back up. I should have drank more water. "How's Carey going?"
"He's fine. I've got him coming in three days a week."
"I told you he could help out."
"I don't know what the fuck we were paying Shawn to do. Carey does her work in half the time, then spends the rest of it chatting up customers."
"You know why I liked to keep her close."
"Not close enough," Tek mutters.
"Fuck you! She's the one who cheated on me."
"Don't give me that shit. You and her were broken well before you found the pair of them together."
"Don't hold back, Tek. What else d'you have to say?"
"You're a coward, Eden. You've always run away from your problems. It's why you refused to move to San Diego, and it's why you're playing Davy Crockett in the middle of the fucking forest."
"Fuck you."
"I think catching her was a relief."
"I think you don't know shit."
"I know you better than she ever did, and for a hell of a lot longer, too."
"So that gives you the right to—"
"Twenty years gives me the right to say whatever the fuck I want."
"Then why not have the next twenty without me?"
"Cause that's not how real family works."
"Where the fuck is your brother, Tek?"
"What?"
"You're the one who brought up family… Has he come home yet?"
There's a long pause. "He texted us all a few weeks back."
"And you've heard nothing since?"
"Mom and Dad reported it, but you know what cops are like. He's an adult. He made contact. There's nothing they can do."
"Sounds about right."
"What am I gonna do for a week back home without the pair of you?"
"He might be back by Christmas."
"I don't think so." I can hear the pain in Tek's whisper, but I can't form the words to tell him about Jin.
"Maybe he's happy where he is?"
"Maybe he thinks he's happy."
"What do you mean?"
"He's run away, Eden. He dropped out of college, left a note on a pack of old batteries, and disappeared. He doesn't have anything."
"Maybe he didn't think he had a choice."
"He could have come to me. I would have kept him away from Mom till she calmed down."
"Maybe he needed to be alone."
"Are we still talking about Jin?"
"Fuck, I don't know." I grab a handful of my hair, and pull on it. "I don't know anything, anymore."
"I'm just saying. Compassion is not something you've ever shown my brother."
"Maybe being out here has made me soft?" And maybe it's because we jerked off together last night.
"I think being alone has made you delirious."
I think being around your brother is driving me insane.
I jump down from the roof with a thud.
"Are you alright, man?"
"Yeah, just…" As I look through the front window, I catch Jin walking towards the bathroom. "I've got a lotta shit to do. I've gotta go, okay?"
"Fine. But take care of yourself."
"What the fuck do you think I've been doing?"
"There's the Eden I know."
"Your wit astounds me," I tell Tek as I hang up on him.
With Jin out of sight, I return the broom to the porch and gather everything I'll need to stay out as long as possible. Tossing them all into the snow by the firepit, I grab the shovel last, and as soon as I'm back down the stairs, I start digging.