22. CHAPTER 22
I think I took it too far. But isn’t that just like me?
Past behaviour, and all that shit.
Fuck you, Dr. Phil.
I let Jin shower first, and by the time I’d finished mine he was already wrapped up in his sleeping bag with his back to me. All the lights were out and the fish were bagged up and in the tub on the porch.
I ate the sandwich he’d made me. It was stale and gross, but I felt like I had to force my way through it.
Even with all the back alleys, night clubs, and department store dressing rooms I’ve had sex in, what I did last night with Jin was the hottest thing I’ve ever done. Hands down. It made me feel like a god, being able to show him how good he can feel in a way most men never experience.
I’ve never had someone give themself to me so completely.
And then I went and let my temper screw it all up.
But still, even with that acceptance, I couldn’t go to him.
My body craves him like nothing else, but my mind continues to fight it.
I need Jin to want me as much as I want him.
But I can’t handle the type of non-sexual attention he wants from me.
It’s only been one day and he’s already expecting me to change the behaviour I’ve not been willing to compromise on for the entirety of my thirty-four years.
But in spite of this, as I look down at the stove from my bed and see the coffee made and the large griddle pan already heating, I’m wracked with so much guilt my instincts are screaming at me to dash out the door and escape for another day.
Tossing off my comforter, I let the initial chill of my naked body adjust to the warmth of the cabin.
Kneeling at the foot of my bed, I straighten it out and remain there, just listening to the sounds of Jin in the kitchen.
The stairs creak as I descend, alerting him to my approach, and as soon as he senses me near, his shoulders tense and his body freezes mid-slice.
The powdered eggs and milk are beside the bread board with the butter, and a pile of the mushrooms I foraged are half-chopped.
When I don’t say anything for several seconds, he continues with the mushrooms like I’m not there.
He’s not wearing a shirt but has on the sweatpants I lent him weeks ago, and even though they're rolled at the waist, they're sitting so low on his hips that from this angle I can see his first hairs poking out at the front. He doesn’t have a noticeable bulge like I do, which is why I was so surprised the first time I saw him. He’s not huge, but for his size, he’s not small.
Above average for his height, I guess? I don’t have any reference, though.
You don’t really see skinny 5’5” guys in porn.
Not the kind I watch, anyway. But he’s got more than enough to get a decent pump going, but not too big to ruin the visual of our size difference.
And, fuck me dead, I love how small he is compared to me.
But no one can ever know about this. Not his parents, and especially not Tek.
He's the most important person that's ever come into my life.
It's his friendship that saved me when my mother put everything else before me.
He never abandoned me. He's more like a brother than my actual brother, so what do I do?
I take his loyalty and shit on it. It's literal insanity.
And if anyone in Broadrock finds out, we could lose everything we've built together all because I can't keep my dick in my pants.
“Say, did you hear that Eden van der Hart kept the Jeon boy locked up in his cabin for the whole winter? His parents couldn’t find him.
Then, after months, the pair of them show up together, and they’re in a relationship.
That sounds like grooming if I’ve ever seen it.
I bet he’s had his eyes on him for years and was waiting for him to finish high school.
It’s a disgrace, if you ask me, and I’m going to make sure everyone in this town knows about it. ”
But aside from all that, in the here and now; I don’t want to answer for my whereabouts, or ask permission in the first place.
I don't want him in my bed. And most of all, I don’t want this guilt.
The guilt of everything, all scrunched up with only one piece of tape and a messy bow trying to hold it all together.
It shouldn’t feel like this after so little time.
I shouldn’t want to taste his cum, but also feel tugged to run out the front door as soon as I’ve swallowed it…
Jin pushes all the mushrooms together into one pile with the knife, then sets it down on the chopping board.
With his hands flat on the counter, he waits several seconds, then opens the cupboard beside him and bends down to get a bowl.
My sweats stretch tight over his ass, and—my god—I wanna pull them down and eat him.
I wanna devour every last inch of him whole.
I wanna see him unravel, completely losing his sanity because of me.
I wanna corrupt him.
I wanna break him.
I wanna keep him my dirty little secret.
When Jin opens the powdered milk, I know I need to move on. But as my hand reaches for the bathroom door, it’s quickly retracting, and, like a magnet, it’s pulling me back to him. Settling in his hair, I comb my fingers through it two times then kiss him on the top of the head.
Nothing said, and nothing more done, I retreat into the bathroom and quickly turn on the shower to drown out any sound of him because I just made it even harder. And that’s my biggest problem. I don’t know what to do, because I don’t know who I am around him.
The too hot water doesn’t help either, it only forces me to consider how he feels. And then it starts all over again; that relentless cycle of I want him but I shouldn’t have him.
Taking half a step forward, I let the water hit the top of my head and send my hair streaming in every direction.
After god knows how long, I push it all back and lean against the slate tiles.
With my forehead resting against my arm and the water running down my back, I don’t hear the bathroom door open, but I do hear the shower screen as it slides along its tracks.
Still without a word spoken between us, Jin steps in behind me. His hands are instantly on my waist, wrapping around my middle. Then his head leans against my back, and…
He just hugs me.
And I just accept it.