24. CHAPTER 24 #2
“Open the door, Jintae!”
I spin around.
Adrenaline is pumping through me so fast I feel high.
I’m so exhilarated I flash Eden the bird with both hands.
“Don’t think I won’t break this window to get to you.”
“Go on then.”
He points towards the living room. “Get the fuck back out there.”
“I’m in here, or I’m in the shed.”
Eden steps back from the window. “Come on then. Out you come.”
“Not until you leave.”
I watch as he looks me up and down, then sighs, and it’s like all the fight has left his body. “If that’s what you want,” he says, and walks away.
Dashing to the window, I wait until I can’t see him anymore, and push up the pane.
The rush of cold against my face as I poke my head out cools my unexpected excitement, and drops me right back into the middle of the end.
Pulling myself back inside, I look in the mirror and see five red spots on my face, left there by Eden’s nails.
They’ll turn into bruises by morning, so it’s a good thing I won’t accidentally catch a glimpse of myself when I brush my teeth. Like with the remnants of my black eye. Or his hand print around my throat.
“You’re such an idiot,” I tell my reflection, and return to the window.
“Please don’t do this.” It’s only faint, but now Eden’s at the bathroom door.
I glance outside to where my feet are already hanging as I sit on the sill.
In three seconds I could be out completely.
“I don’t want you to stay in the shed.”
Rolling my eyes, I start to slide out.
“I’m sorry…”
I pause, midway out. But as far as Eden knows, I’ve already left.
“I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“All you’ve done is hurt me since I got here.”
“You’re still there?”
“Why couldn’t you have just lied to me?” I ask, soft enough that he might not hear, but with enough volume that he could if he really wanted to.
Something thuds against the door. It’s not hard—maybe his head? A flat hand?
“Why couldn’t you have just used me? I wouldn’t have known any better. You could have had some fun, taught me a few things, and told me it meant nothing in the spring. I’d have kept your secret. No one would ever have to know you were into guys, too.”
“I… Please open the door so I can look at you.”
“I was willing to give everything to you.”
“I know.”
“All you had to do was hug me and hold my hand, and I’d have slept with you any time you wanted.”
“Goddamnit, Jin. I want all of those things.”
“You’re a liar.”
“I’m not. Please open the door.”
“I’m sick of this shit, Eden. You don’t hurt people like you hurt me. You don’t give them bruises. You don’t leave them alone on the verge of hypothermia and gaslight them into believing it’s their fault!”
“How many times do you want me to say it? I know! I know! I know!”
“So why did you do it then?”
“Because I was in denial!”
It’s like nails on a chalkboard, those words. Or a record scratching, leaving a room in complete silence.
“I was in denial,” he echoes, but softer. “I’ve been in denial for… Fuck… Are you still there?”
I pull my legs back inside, but don’t make a sound.
“I’ve…” There’s another muffled thud against the door. “A little over a year… I dunno… Since your eighteenth, I guess.”
His words don’t make any sense.
He’d shown up to my party with Wootek and Reeze.
I spoke to Tek when they first arrived, but Eden had just stared. Long, hard, and full of hate. No happy birthday. Not even a grunt in my direction.
They kept to themselves in the corner of my parent’s backyard; a steady stream of girls who never stood a chance trying one after the other to get their attention.
But that’s all I remember.
It was my party, and they weren’t my friends.
“I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you…”
Like a magnet, and in rejection of my sensibility, I’m pulled towards the door. My fingertips are the first to touch it. Then, like a wave, the rest of my hand until my palms are resting against the wood.
“It made me hate you more than I already did…”
My hand slides towards the handle, but I pull it back.
He’s lying.
He has to be lying.
He always lies.
He takes. He hurts. He throws away.
“I wasn’t ready to—damnit, I didn’t think I’d ever have to face it. Then when I saw you here, I… I blamed you for everything because it was easy. Pushing you around and seeing you cry made me feel like it wasn’t my fault that my relationship with Shawn broke down…”
My heart is in my throat.
My mouth and lips are dry.
My eyes are stinging.
“I don’t know how to talk to you… Every time I look at you, or even think about opening my mouth, I want to tell you how insane you make me feel.”
My hand flies to the handle.
I turn it, opening the door towards me.
Eden is there, just as tall and imposing as ever.
His hair is in his face.
A cloth is wrapped around his hand.
“You make me crazy,” he admits.
“You make me crazy.”
“I don’t want you to regret anything.”
“I want you more than anything.”
He cups the back of my head, pulls me against him, and smells my hair. “I want you in ways I’ve never wanted anyone else.”
My chin pokes into his chest as I lift my head. “What do you mean?”
“I want… I think about having sex with you constantly. I want you to do things to me that I—shit, Jin, I wanna be in positions I’ve never been in before—that I’ve never even thought about before.
But I also don’t wanna jump straight to the end.
I actually want to talk to you, but because I don’t know how, I’ve been doing everything I can to show you how I feel… I’m sorry it’s not enough.”
I place my hand against his cheek. “You shaved today.”
“I know it scratches you when I don’t.”
I stand on my toes and wrap both arms around his neck.
Eden picks me up and waits until I lean in to kiss him before he moves.
His lips are dryer than mine from being outside so much. But they’re warm, and taste of him.
His hands find their way to wrap around me until I feel so secure I think I could live here forever.
I want to eat him.
I want him to eat me.
I want his words tattooed all over my body.
I want—
“What’s that?”
Eden smiles against my mouth as I try to look sideways into the living area. “The reason you couldn’t go in the shed.”
I wriggle in his arms until he reluctantly lets me go.
“I haven’t been ignoring you, Jin.”
Like I’m a child who's never been given a gift in their life, I gingerly step closer.
It’s got three shelves, and is entirely made from scrap pieces of wood that fit perfectly together.
The two sides are covered with traditional Korean drawings burned into the timber: A tiger on one side and a dragon on the other, both surrounded by Dancheong patterns.
They aren’t perfect, but I know he’s done them from his memory of Tek’s art.
And across the top is a smaller, intricately shaped piece of wood with the phrase; I like being myself. Myself, and nasty.
I spin my head back to Eden. “How did you know?”
“I took the English version of your book one morning while you were still asleep. You had chapter six dogeared, so I read through it until something seemed appropriate.”
Bowing my head to hide my smile, I turn back to the bookshelf and run my fingertips over the letters.
“You’re a little bitch, Jin. You’ve got a smart mouth, and you cuss me out daily.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be.” Eden steps behind me and reaches around to press his hand against my stomach. “It kinda makes my dick hard.”
There’s no need to hide my smile now. “So why do you fight back so often?”
“Because sometimes I can’t help myself. Just because it turns me on, doesn’t negate the fact that you piss me the fuck off.”
“You piss me off, too.”
“And the cycle starts all over again.”
My smirk turns into a laugh, and Eden rests his chin on the top of my head. “What do you wanna do tomorrow?”
“Spend it with you.”
“You don’t have a choice in that regard.”
“I dunno… Maybe cook outside again. If it doesn’t snow.”
“Okay. But I still know you can do better than that.”
Turning in his arms, I press my forehead against him and squeeze as tight as I can. He smells of musk, organic detergent, and the ever present undertone of smoke.
Craning my neck, I look him dead in the eye, but before I can get a word out he says, "Do not ask me to fuck you.”
Stubborn to a fault, I shoot daggers at him. “Fine, then. I wanna go fishing.”
“That’s a lot of work on Christmas day. And you did just throw a tantrum about walking around for twenty minutes.”
“I. Want. To. Go. Fishing. Then I wanna come back and cook them on the fire.”
“Fine. But on one condition.”
“And what’s that?”
“You have to make your gochujang rice and vegetables.”
“Deal.”
“It’ll be an early start.”
“So I’ll have an early night.”
Just as headstrong as I am, Eden stares down at me. But right now, I’m not in the mood to win anything, so I reach for his cheeks and rub my thumbs over his smooth, but slightly wind burned skin. “I need to give you something, too.”
“No you don’t.”
“I might be a smart ass, but I’m not a completely selfish one.”
He raises one brow, and I playfully slap the side of his neck. “Fine, fine,” he smirks.
“I’m serious. I wanna give… I wanna do one of the things you mentioned. For you. You know—what you said before? About being in positions you’d never thought of?”
“And how is this not a third gift for you, as well?”
“I mean, is it really my fault if it benefits the both of us?”
“Then I want three gifts, too.”
“I can live with that deal.”
“Then I’ll take the first tomorrow morning. We’ll be leaving at seven—”
“Seven?!”
“Yes, seven. And I want your eggs and mushroom toast with one of those brown sugar coffees you won’t shut up about, before we leave.”
“And what about your second gift?”
“I’ll take that tomorrow night. But only if you’re a good boy and don’t piss me off all day.”
“You know that’s impossible, right?”
“I mean, I do expect you to make my dick a little bit hard. But don’t make me angry.”
“I’ll try my hardest… And what about the third one?”
“That’s dependent on your behaviour tomorrow, as well.”
“All these rules really aren’t fair.”
“But they’re my gifts. That is, apart from you.”
“Now you’re making my dick hard.”
“Calm yourself, Little One. It’s not gonna be one of those nights.”