Chapter 8
Dad’s reading the newspaper in his oversized chair when I get to the bottom of the stairs. I’m wearing my favorite floral dress and denim jacket that Nathan found at a yard sale two years ago.
“Hey, Rosebud.” Dad gives me a cheery smile that brings a lump to my throat. No matter what happens in the next few months, I know he’s going to handle it all with a smile. That’s just how he is.
“Hey, Daddy,” I say, feeling like a little girl again. I give him a quick hug before I plop on the couch next to him. Nathan is still upstairs getting ready and I’d rather sit and wait than stand in the hallway and wait.
“You going to tell them tonight?” he asks, watching me intently. My heart stops for a second; how can he know that I want to tell Tucker my feelings for real? Then it hits me—he’s asking about the tumor, not my crush. He said them, as in Grace and Tucker, not just him . I shake my head.
“No, not yet.” I run my hands over my legs, one of my anxious habits. I’m not ready to have a conversation with them about the tumor. “I just don’t know how to tell them. It doesn’t feel real yet. I think I’m still adjusting to the news, ya know? ”
He nods. “I am too.”
I think of lunch, how the mood felt so somber as we left because there are still so many unanswered questions.
“I will tell them soon,” I promise, only because I know I do need to tell them. Even if it is only this tumor. They are my best friends. They deserve to know, but I’m not ready. “I just need to let it sit more.”
“Maybe after next week, once we have a plan, it’ll be easier.” He gives me a smile that makes me feel like I’ve made him proud and disappointed him at the same time.
“Maybe,” I say, then stand as Nathan comes running down the stairs.
I grab my purse but Dad stops me with his hand on mine. “I love you, Rosie,” he says and I blink rapidly so the tears that fill my eyes won’t fall.
“I love you, too, Dad,” I say and he smiles at me.
“You two have fun,” he says. All I can muster is a nod in reply before following Nathan outside.
I smooth out my dress and look around the bar for Grace.
Nathan sees her first and I follow him to a booth near the small stage.
Several people say hello to him as we walk by, since a lot of our classmates are here.
Once a week, the local bar hosts an alcohol-free happy hour for the high school students.
It’s one of the nights where Tucker sings as their main entertainment.
A lot of people talk about it at school, and Grace and Nathan come almost every week. But tonight’s my first time.
Shawn said he’d be here, but after last night, I made it clear that I’ll be sitting with my friends, if I can help it.
“She lives!” Grace jumps up to hug me when I reach the table. “ Only joking, but I’m glad you took a break from ballet and Shawn for the evening.”
I hug her back. “You know I’ve missed hanging out with you on Saturdays.”
She releases me, and pulls my twin in for a hug. Over his shoulder she says, “I know, me too.” As she releases him and slides back into the booth, she tilts her head in a gesture I know all too well. It means ‘you should stop hanging out with Shawn and you’d get your Saturdays back.’
I nod, because she’s right. I want to tell her it’s my mom who wants me to date Shawn, and that I’m done with that. I want to date someone else. Tucker. I glance around the bar for him, but he’s nowhere to be found in the sea of people.
“Where’s Tucker?” I ask and Grace raises an eyebrow at me. I want to tell him first about how I’m feeling, not Grace. But the words bubble up in my chest. I open my mouth again when a soft hand touches my shoulder.
“Right here,” he says. I turn in surprise. He looks good; he’s in a white T-shirt and is wearing a cowboy hat. I suppress a shiver and keep my eyes on his face after my quick once-over.
“Glad you could all make it.” His words are light, but his eyes don’t leave mine.
He leans in close and I get a whiff of his minty gum and woodsy cologne.
His breath tickles my ear as he whispers, “You look pretty, darlin’.
But what I really want to know is when can I see you dance?
” His voice is cold and unforgiving, like he’s mad at me even though the question seems innocent.
Even though he said I’m pretty. He’s mad I’m breaking the deal that I made.
He takes half a step back, eyeing me.
“Whenever you want,” I mumble, glancing down at my feet.
Because I can’t talk to him about this, not now.
Yes, I’m breaking the deal. I think he only agreed in the first place because he was worried I’d completely walk away from a friendship with him if he said no, and I honestly might have.
I knew from the first second I laid my eyes on Tucker Bensen that he was someone special—that he was going to be someone special to me.
But now, the deal is off. I’m here and I’m going to hear him sing.
We can work out the details of him watching me dance later.
“Are you practicing tomorrow?” he asks and I look back up at him. Someone calls his name, but he holds up a finger.
I let out a sigh. “No, I’m not. We’re all just hanging out at home—” I start, but Grace interrupts.
“Oh, as a celebration for everything being clear yesterday?” Her grin cracks my heart in two.
“Something like that.” I glance at my feet again, and my cheeks grow warm. Now would be the perfect time to tell them. Instead, I say, “But I’ll be in the studio every day next week, and you’re welcome to come by any time.”
“I think I will.” Tucker knocks on the table before walking toward the stage where a woman, possibly his boss, stands watching us.
I sink onto the bench across from Grace and Nathan.
Both have their eyes on me. “Okay, what’s with the ice storm?” Grace asks.
“Nothing,” I say. “I mean, I don’t know.”
“Liar.”
I let out a sigh. “Tucker had to pick me up last night.”
Her mouth pops into the perfect O . “Shawn is an idiot,” she mutters, rolling her eyes.
Again, I’m reminded of how my friends, but especially Grace, don’t understand why I’ve been ‘trying’ to date Shawn.
I want to tell her the truth, that it is all a sham and that I’m officially ending it, tonight.
I’m also worried about telling her the truth about my cancer, and that I’m nervous to risk changing things with Tucker.
What if it all goes wrong? It could go so horribly wrong.
I close my eyes, trying to keep my mind from spiraling any more than it already is.
I make up my mind. Tonight, I’m going to tell Shawn he can do whatever the heck he wants, despite what our moms say and in spite of his crush on Libby, and then I’m going to tell Tucker how I feel. I’m going to take the jump. I have too many secrets; I have to let at least one of them out.
“Shawn went surfing at midnight,” I say, only confirming what she just said about him being an idiot. She rolls her eyes a second time.
“You should dump him or end whatever this is with him. I can’t ever keep it straight if you’re actually with him or not,” she says and I blink in surprise. “He’s no good for you, and like… you haven’t held hands with him for weeks. When was the last time you even kissed? Have you even kissed?”
Nathan is watching me intently now, too, waiting for the answer. He knows the truth, but he’s my twin, so of course he hasn’t told her that it’s mostly just a sham. She may be his best friend, but we’re even closer than that because we shared a womb.
Never, I think, because that was one of our rules: no kissing.
“We kiss in private,” I say to them, but I feel my cheeks turn red from the lie.
Nathan raises his eyebrows. I wish that we actually had twin telepathy so I could tell him that I’ve never kissed Shawn.
The only guy I’ve ever kissed is Tucker.
“I never knew you were such a private person about affection.” Grace mistakes my red cheeks for embarrassment.
“I’m your best friend and even when you two hang out with us, you don’t hold hands; you don’t even flirt.
You and Tucker have more chemistry than you and Shawn ever have, and you two are just friends. ”
My cheeks have got to be bright red now with how much they’re burning.
I glance down. Why does this feel so bad to hear her talk about me and Shawn like this?
I wonder if Mom even believes that I like him, if my best friend can’t even see the feelings I’ve been trying to pretend to have.
I look at the clock hanging above the bar, wondering when the show will start, and trying to figure out how to stall and not answer her accusation.
I don’t know how to tell her that I think I’m in love with her cousin. I don’t know how to tell Tucker that I want to be with him, but oh hey, also my cancer is back, so you know, I’m the sick girl again.
I can’t tell her, or anyone, about my deal with Shawn and our moms, since it’s been going on for five months now—longer than either of us expected, but he’s more than happy to have someone on his arm that makes Libby jealous.
Grace would tell me that we’re just using each other, that we should be honest, and that we’re kind of pathetic.
Grace lives in a world where fairy tales have happy endings, but that’s not how real life works.
I live in a world where my cancer is back after nine years of remission.
And even if I wasn’t sick, I’d be going to Paris in August and Tucker will be in the States, most likely touring or at least opening for someone else.
I have cancer. I have cancer. I have cancer. I have cancer.
The words match my heartbeat and break up any thoughts I was having about Tucker. I look at Nathan, knowing he’ll be able to read my mind. But I’ve been quiet for too long.
Nathan fidgets. I force myself to keep my hands still. Grace notices. “What’s going on with you two?” She glances at me first and then to Nathan, who’s staring at me. I give the slightest shake of my head. I am not about to tell her here.
“I broke up with Emmett,” Nathan says and I try to keep my mouth from dropping open. I have to pretend like I know this news. I should know this news. Breaking up with his first boyfriend is a big deal, and I thought he was happy.
“What? Why ?” She nearly shouts as she punches Nathan in the shoulder.
People at the neighboring table glance at us before returning to their conversation.
“Did he do something? If he did something, I’m gonna kick his butt.
” Grace raises a fist and looks around the bar which makes Nathan smile; she wouldn’t be able to hurt a fly even if she wanted to.
But she’d still give it a try if it meant protecting someone she loved.
“I just don’t think we’re a good fit.” Nathan focuses on the sugar packet in his hand, moving it along the table.
“But you were so in love with him yesterday,” she says. “What happened?”
He gives a limp smile and glances at me. He broke up with his boyfriend because of me. Because I have a tumor and he doesn’t know what the future holds. I swallow a lump in my throat.
“I just feel like I might need some time to figure stuff out,” he says, still looking at me.
I squirm. I don’t want him to break up with his boyfriend because he’s stressed about me.
I know that he’ll be anxious and worried about me being sick and then he’ll be anxious that his anxiety is ruining his relationship.
This is his way of shutting things down before Emmett has a chance to walk away, proving Nathan’s biggest fear correct—that having anxiety somehow makes him unlovable.
“How come you didn’t tell me last night? I knew something was off, but I didn’t want to ask,” she says before I can jump in.
“Just wasn’t ready to talk about it,” he answers, his green eyes never leaving mine. “Sometimes talking about the hard stuff is hard, but it also feels good. I already feel better knowing you two know about it.”
Grace is oblivious to the silent conversation that Nathan is having with me.
“We’ll always be here for you,” she says and gives him a side hug, but he still holds my gaze. I want to pull away, but I can’t seem to. Grace continues to babble, unaware of what my brother is trying to tell me. “I think you should still give him a chance, but that’s totally up to you.”
I’m the first to look away. I’m not ready to say anything—not yet, not here, not tonight. It’s a conversation that needs to happen in private, not public.
I sink into my seat as the woman onstage with Tucker takes the microphone and announces him. I swallow my feelings, the news about my tumor, and just everything . I don’t want to think about any of it right now. I’m here to watch Tucker perform for the very first time.