Journal Entries from the Past Two Weeks
Dear Journal,
Hi, yeah, it’s me, Rosie, again. It’s been a while since I last wrote in this journal, or even wrote in general.
I’m still not sure why I picked up this journal to write in today, since I’m not even writing about Tucker, which is what most of the old entries are about.
I mean, we are together now!! But that’s not why I’m writing.
I had another tumor.
I’m still sore and recovering (obviously), but Tucker and Grace finally left and I can finally feel relieved that my tumor is OUT OF MY BODY!
See, they don’t know. I didn’t tell them.
I lied the day of the surgery and said it was an emergency surgery to get my appendix out.
Now, I do feel sort of bad about that, but things have just been so good with me and Tucker, and even me and Grace, and with dance, and I didn’t want to ruin any of it.
So I lied. I feel bad. My appendix is fine, and still in my body. But I can’t seem to find the words to tell them. They don’t suspect a thing, which makes it a little easier. I’m just so mad about it and I’m not ready to bring my anger into my new relationship.
I don’t think Tucker’s noticed yet, because when I’m with him it’s easier to pretend that everything is fine. It’s easy to pretend that it’s just us against the world and that hard things don’t happen to us. We don’t really talk about the hard stuff, and right now, I’m okay with that.
We hold hands, and he kisses me every chance we get. We don’t think about how in the summer, he’ll go on tour, right before I leave for Paris.
I think Grace can tell something is up, even though she hasn’t actually asked me about it. Nathan told me after they left that I need to say something, that I need to tell them. After all, she’s my best friend and Tucker’s my boyfriend.
But I’m just so mad about the tumor.
How could my cancer come back after everything I’ve been through?
How could God (if there is a God) do this to me?
Why is this happening? Why now, when I found out earlier today that I got into Paris?
I know the surgery went great and the tumor is gone, but what if something else is wrong?
What if Doctor Barker actually missed something?
And maybe she didn’t, maybe she’s right, but I still have to go in once a month (even in Paris) for scans and tests to make sure I’m still all clear.
I thought my body was past this. I thought I was done with all the pokes and prods and lying still in a huge tube.
I can’t dance for at least a month or two. That seems like a lifetime.
I don’t know who I am without dance.
I’m scared that my career will be ruined because of this, because I don’t have this time to train and work toward Paris. I got in, yes, but I can tell that Mom’s worried about me not dancing for a month (or even longer) .
I love dance, but I loved it when it was just fun. Right now, it doesn’t feel fun. It feels like I’ve had a limb ripped off my body, like I can’t breathe.
None of this seems fair.
And then there’s Lucy. This girl I met at cancer therapy.
She’s so happy and bright and cheery and it makes me insane.
She’s got this brain tumor and basically just lives from surgery to surgery because there’s nothing she can do.
She has it worse than I do (so why am I complaining?
?? I mean, my life still sort of feels like it’s over, like something has shifted) but how is she still so happy?
How does she still smile and ask me how my day was when she’s obviously in so much pain?
Part of me really wants to hate her, but I also kind of like her and I guess there’s a part of me that wishes I could be more like her. But then I go back to not liking her because she’s dying and seems so happy still. I don’t get it.
UGH.
I need to tell them. Maybe I will after the Valentine’s Dance next week. Grace already made our dresses and I just want it to be a fun night. I don’t want to have to worry about telling them or having them worry about me the whole time.
I just want to enjoy my life, cancer-free.
Even though I’m technically not cancer-free anymore…
Still hoping the biopsies they did on some of the nearby lymph nodes come back negative (I can’t ever remember how to spell the word that means they don’t have cancer) because then I won’t need any further treatment! But I don’t know when I’ll find out that news.
Love, Rosie
February 14 - The Valentine’s Danc e
Dear Journal,
Tonight, Tucker told me he loves me!
HE LOVES ME!
I’ve never had anyone other than family say those words to me, AND I said them back. Wow.
I didn’t know that you could feel this way.
In honor of those three little words that make me feel like the luckiest girl in the world, I am going to make a list of some of my favorite memories with Tucker.
Grace gave me the idea a while ago when she did the same thing when she was dating Leo.
OH. She’s dating NATHAN now! Neither of them told me.
I’ll write about that another time though, tonight is just for memories of us together.
1. The day I met him. That was the first time I wrote in here, so I won’t really write about it again, but I am so glad he came into my life.
2. Two years ago, we went to a corn maze/fall festival with several of our friends.
Everyone else actually had a date, except me and Tucker, so we were unofficially pushed together into a date we didn’t mean to be on.
I wasn’t feeling great because I was on my period, but Tucker was doing stupid things, trying to make me laugh the whole time.
Then, there was one moment when we were alone in the corn maze because everyone had either rushed ahead or the others were behind us, and I swear I thought he was going to kiss me.
He was looking at me like he wanted to. Instead, though, we heard Grace yelling from up ahead and ran to catch up to her.
That was one of the first times I really wondered what it would be like to kiss Tucker Bensen.
3. One day at lunch, shortly after Tucker had moved here, Grace and I found him sitting on one of the school stairwells.
He had his head in his hands and Grace immediately went into what we call her ‘mom mode’ of trying to figure out what was wrong.
I wasn’t sure what to do—at that point, we were friends, so it wasn’t weird for me to sit on the step by him and put my arm sort of around him and rub his back.
My dad did that whenever Nathan or I were upset and it always helped us feel better.
Tucker eventually told us that his dad had called him, saying there was no way Tucker would make it big unless he accepted his help.
And I guess he also said a lot of other mean things, but we were able to calm Tuck down and assure him that no matter what happened, he was a good singer and that he could still do something in the music world if that’s what he wanted.
I’m not sure why that’s one of my favorite memories with Tucker, but I feel like we were better friends after that.
4. Last summer, right before the 4th of July, we all went swimming together.
Me, Grace, Nathan, and Tucker. It was on one of my rare non-dance days, and I was able to just relax and have fun.
While we were inside, waiting to get snacks at the small concessions stand, Tucker jumped up—why, we still don’t know.
But the ceiling was so low that he hit his head!
It was hilarious, and naturally, we teased him about it for months after.
5. Shortly after we met, Tucker and I were hanging out at his house. Grace was in charge of the twins, so she’d gone upstairs to get them a snack, and right now, I can’t remember where Nathan was, since he was usually with us. But out of the blue, Tucker says:
“We should be best friends forever.”
I think I smiled and said something like, “Yeah, we should.” But I remember thinking…
can you really be best friends with a guy forever when you’re a girl?
Will that mean we become something more at some point?
I didn’t ask any of those questions, but after that, whenever he saw me, he’d say, “Hey, best friend.” And just like that, we were best friends, but in a different way than Grace and I have ever been.
Okay, I think that’s enough for now. I’m dating Tucker. He loves me. How did I get so lucky?
Love, Rosie
P.S. I told him about the tumor. I also told him that I’m all clear, and good to go.
Which, technically, I still don’t know that news, but I feel good.
Doctor Barker was so optimistic and said there wasn’t anything coming up on my original scans, so that I should be in the clear.
But I told him. He still loves me. I don’t know why I was so scared to tell him about the tumor.
I’m not sure how to tell Grace, though. She didn’t tell me about her and Nathan (not that he said anything either) but she’s my best friend, and I feel like she’ll be mad. So I may wait a little longer to tell her…