Chapter 21
?
I think it’s safe to say: Harry is not just stinky and stupid. He’s the stinkiest and stupidest .
Maelin
“What’s this?” I ask when, upon reaching Zakery’s room for work this lovely Friday morning, he plants a stack of papers in my hands and stares at me with the crazy eyes of a man who is surviving completely off the coffee he’s drinking.
“A thing.” He sips. “That I did.” Wild manic fills his irises as he misses the timing for blinking both his eyes in unison. “Mm.” He lifts a finger off his mug, sips some more, and spins me around with his free hand, guiding me across the hall, to my studio. Seating me at the desk, he nudges my sewing machine back to make room, then peruses my supplies for a pen, which he sets before me. Satisfied, he drops to the floor and crosses his legs.
“Zakery…” I begin, carefully setting the stack of papers down and removing my sunglasses in the pleasant lighting my dark studio affords. “Did you sleep at all last night?”
“Yes. Of course.”
“For how long…?”
“I passed out, once, for at least ten minutes.”
Oh-kay.
“Zakery, honey…do we need to take a nap today?”
His smile evaporates. He lowers his mug. “T-together?”
Um.
Well.
That’s what I get for using the royal we .
And yet there’s not really harm in it, right? I’ve always wanted a boyfriend who would cuddle with me. Who I felt safe cuddling with. Harry generally expected more, then he’d get upset when I stopped him. So safety was not abundant in that relationship.
Yep.
Confirmed.
Harry sucked.
Big over him. Big, big over him.
Big, big stupid of me to let things go as far as they did.
But it’s over now, and it helps no one if I beat myself up about what could have been. That would further my stupidity, letting Harry continue to affect me, when he has no right. The past is the past—I am actively choosing to learn from it instead of wallow in it.
I ask, “Would you…be comfortable with napping together?”
“Very much, yes.” He knocks the crawling daze off his face with a quick shake of his head. “Yes. But. First.” He nods at the papers.
Reassured that he’ll be getting some sleep today, and perhaps a little excited that we’ll be testing out cuddle time, I look at the first page.
Front and center.
Do you want children? (Circle one.)
Yes. No.
If yes, how many?
1…2…3…4…5. More.
What do you believe to be the woman’s role in a relationship?
Blank lines.
What do you believe to be the man’s role in a relationship?
Blank lines.
“Um.” I scan more questions, glance through the pages. Learn that they are double-sided . And there are also fifteen of them. “Is this a quiz?”
“It occurred to me we hadn’t discussed all matters of importance where compatibility between us might be concerned. It would be deeply unfair to you if we learn something that we can’t reach a compromise on after your functioning feelings get involved. I apologize for posing these questions late. I don’t know how long it takes someone with working feelings to lose their hold on them, but I will do my best to make amends if we aren’t fundamentally compatible.”
Oh.
Wow.
That’s, um, yeah. No. This is brilliant.
I pick up my pen. “Are you going to fill one out, too? So I can see your answers?”
“I already have. We can exchange and discuss after, so your responses aren’t affected.”
Spooky. But. Smart.
All right. Let’s start at the beginning…
Children.
Absolutely not.
The very idea of growing something inside my body scares me to death.
I glance at Zakery, who has all but snuggled up against the leg of my crafting cabinet desk, nursing his coffee. There’s no way he can see my answers from down there, which is great, because I am already self conscious about them. What if he wants to be a dad? He’d be a really great dad.
Wildly considerate. Fun. Sweet. Dramatic.
I scan ahead a little bit. Do not find a question regarding adoption.
So I write it in neatly beside a circled 1 and a confident, Maybe?
From that point on, the questions range, significantly, in severity from: What’s your favorite food? (Chocolate cake.) to: Do you struggle with any specific mental health conditions? (I do not believe so.)
There are questions about boundaries, expectations, future goals.
Five-year plans.
Ten-year plans.
Whether or not I picture us continuing to live here, at the Bachelor manor.
Whether I want to build a home just for the two of us in Sunset.
Whether I’d prefer to leave Sunset altogether.
There’s an entire section on familial obligations.
Where do I expect us to spend Christmas? Thanksgiving? Other holidays? Will staying overnight at my parents’ ever be required? How often do I anticipate casual visits? Are there any issues I foresee arising?
Do I want any pets?
Where would I plan a vacation?
Would I be willing to join him at the frays that are comic cons for his work?
Do I foresee having any work-related events that I might ask his support or presence at?
Am I planning to pursue a professional career as a seamstress, or am I planning to pursue some other career?
Do I want to attend college? If so, for what majors and minors?
How public do I want my involvement with him to be once we’re official?
Do I want a wedding?
How big?
Do I have any medical history that might be important to share?
It just goes on, and on, and on.
Pet peeves. Trauma. Core beliefs. Love languages.
There’s an entire page dedicated to an argument plan of action, which starts: In the event we have a disagreement, what is the first step we will take toward reconciliation?
It lays out pertinent information, asking questions about how I react to dissonance in a relationship, what my first instinct is when I’m angry, how I find closure in the aftermath, how he can make sure I know I’m still loved throughout the conflict.
It’s just…
All of it.
It’s so good.
It’s so much effort .
Zakery is falling asleep on the floor next to me because he was up all night putting a ton of energy into making sure we were approaching the idea of a relationship together in an educated manner.
This form asks for vulnerability, sure, but I think I definitely prefer transparency to whatever confusion and uncertainty I was living in when I was with Harry. Having a game plan, knowing how to most effectively tackle issues, understanding Zakery’s triggers and how they might antagonize mine…
It’s setting us up for success.
I don’t know how many hours pass before I reach the last question, but I am glad it’s an easy one: Is there anything else you’d like me to know, questions you’d like to add, or topics you’d like to discuss?
I don’t have anything to add, but I would really, really like to make this work. Thank you so much for putting this much time and effort into a relationship that has barely started. I cannot explain how much it means to me.
I cannot explain how it is, already, more than Harry would have put into our relationship if it had lasted a lifetime.
Being with Harry was always a little scary, a little like jumping, a little like falling, a little like the dread of waiting to be caught while knowing you’d probably have to hit the ground on your own.
In contrast, Zakery’s holding my hand. We’re jumping together. And as we free-fall, I’m not concerned where we’ll land. Because he’s not letting go.