CHAPTER THIRTY
“I’m not ...” I tried to protest but couldn’t finish my sentence. I wasn’t in love with Max.
Right?
“Oh, you are.”
“It’s only been like, two weeks,” I said, finally fixing on an argument she couldn’t refute. “That’s not long enough to fall in love with someone—that’s an antibiotic cycle.”
“Did you tell Max?”
Somehow my heart beat even faster and I was having a hard time swallowing. I could actually feel sweat breaking out on my lower back. “That I love him?”
“No, that you’re going on this ‘date,’” she said, making air quotes with her fingers.
“Not technically. I had him on speakerphone and he heard Adrian saying something about it. Max basically congratulated me.”
“Of course he did. He’s a good guy. He was sacrificing his own wants for yours. He probably thinks you have real feelings for Adrian and is trying to nobly step aside so that you can have what Max thinks you want.”
Her words struck me and I had to sit down on the corner of her desk as I considered them.
Vella’s tone softened. “He didn’t respond like a fairy-tale prince. He didn’t stop you. You wanted him to tell you not to go, that he loves you, too. You were playing a stupid game and now you’ve won a stupid prize—the man of your dreams stepping aside so you can be with someone who isn’t worthy of you.”
“You play games all the time.” It wasn’t much of a defense against what felt like very accurate and true statements, but it was all I had. I felt like I was about to collapse in on myself. What had I done?
“Right. And do you see me in a healthy, happy, long-term relationship? No. Which is good for me, but not for you. You want that fairy tale.”
I did want it, but it seemed so far out of reach.
Impossible.
“What did Max say after he told you to go out with Lumpy?”
“He said he had to get to a meeting and he had to go.” My voice sounded like I felt—disconnected, worried, unsure.
“At six in the morning?”
“No, it was like, nine.”
“Did you forget about those pesky little things called time zones between here and California? If it was nine o’clock here, it was six there.”
I had forgotten about the time difference. Had he just woken up? Maybe that was why he’d sounded so strange.
The phone rang and Vella picked up the receiver and immediately hung it back up.
“Aren’t you supposed to answer that?”
“In a minute. I just want to know what you’re going to do now that you’re stuck between a rock and a hard cheese.” At my blank expression she said, “Adrian Stone and Max Colby ? Instead of being stuck between a rock and a hard place, I substituted it with rock and a hard cheese .”
“Colby is not a hard cheese.”
“I stand by my joke. Just like I’ll stand by you no matter what choice you make. The right one or the stupid one.”
The phone rang again and she said, “I better get that and blame the disconnect on a technical problem.” She picked up the receiver. “Thank you for calling Elevated. This is Vella, how may I assist you?”
Part of me noted that I’d never heard her be so nice or professional before. The rest of my mind was a morass of confusion. She had hit me with so many bombs that I was still reeling from the blows.
That it had been a mistake to say yes to Adrian.
That some part of me had secretly been testing Max.
I headed back to my desk. I hadn’t meant to test Max. It was what had happened, though. I had wanted him to tell me not to go out with Adrian.
It really rubbed me the wrong way that I had done it. My dad used to give my mom all kinds of tests to “prove” that she was a good wife to him. She always fell short, never reaching the impossible standard that he’d set, always failing.
And I had done the same thing to Max. It had been unintentional, but my intent didn’t change what I’d done.
I sat down in my chair and thought of the biggest piece of ammunition that Vella had launched at me.
That I was in love with Max.
I had wanted to deny it but hadn’t been able to.
Because I knew it was true. The butterflies with six-foot wingspans currently flapping in my stomach confirmed that I did love him. I didn’t know when it had happened exactly, and I might have lived in denial about it for a long time if my best friend hadn’t so forcefully pointed it out.
I’d never been in love before, but that was how I knew this was it. It was completely different than anything I’d previously experienced. There was an emotional connection between Max and me that I didn’t quite understand, but I knew it was there.
I definitely lusted after him, but what I felt for him was so much more than that. He was, as Vella had pointed out, my dream man. Kind, affectionate, funny, smart, loyal, selfless, a total gentleman.
That he came in such a shiny package with such a delicious accent was just icing on the cake.
I drew in a shaky breath. Now what did I do? Max had lied to get off the phone with me.
If he had feelings for me, that must have hurt him.
But he’d never said anything to indicate that he wanted to be with me. And as Vella kept pointing out, neither had I. Yes, we’d kissed and it had been mind-bendingly fantastic. But it was possible to be attracted to someone and not actually want to date them.
I thought about what he would look like waking up in the morning, his dark hair ruffled, his face sleepy and soft. The rough stubble on his jaw, his bright blue eyes slowly blinking at me as he would say, “Hey,” and pull me down next to him. He would hold me close while he nuzzled my hair, my cheek, and then finally capture my lips in a sweet but fiery kiss. His skin would be warm from sleep and I would melt into him.
Despite how messed up my brain currently was, even I knew that I probably shouldn’t be imagining cuddling with one man while planning to go on a date with another.
I was again frozen by indecision, not sure what I should do, and so the end result was that I did nothing. I didn’t reach out to Max to try to see where he was at, if there was a future for us.
To be fair, Max didn’t contact me, either.
Part of me thought I should cancel my date with Adrian, but he was still my boss and I didn’t know if there would be consequences for not showing up. This was why people didn’t date their bosses. He had power over me that made me feel like I shouldn’t refuse.
I didn’t think he’d retaliate or make me uncomfortable if I rejected him—Adrian was a nice guy, just spoiled. I recognized that I’d put myself in an awkward position.
No position with you could ever be awkward.
Great. I was hearing Max flirting with me in my head while I knocked on Adrian’s door.
Adrian answered and smiled at me. “Hey. Come on in.”
I walked into his front room and was flooded with memories of Max. Where he’d sat on the couch. The spot in the kitchen where he’d slipped and fallen. The hallway where I’d smacked into him. The bathroom door where we’d brushed past each other.
How we’d spent the rest of that day together.
Why was I such a bonehead and here with Adrian instead of calling Max?
“Dinner is ready,” Adrian said, and I resented him interfering with me thinking about Max.
We walked over to his table and I knew the restaurant he’d ordered it from. I was surprised he hadn’t had me order it for him.
I felt chastened over my unkind thought. He had gone to a bit of trouble for me and I should appreciate that at least. We both sat down and I realized that I hadn’t said anything yet.
“It looks delicious.”
“It does. Dig in.”
This was weird. There was a strange vibe here that made it impossible for me to relax. I’d always felt comfortable at Adrian’s place, if a bit in awe of it, but now it was like I’d discovered that I was a triangle peg that no longer fit into the square holes here.
“Hey doll, can you pass me the salt?”
I handed it to him and tried to tamp down my annoyance. He was calling me doll again. He probably meant it as an endearment, and once upon a time, that was how I’d seen it.
But now it felt demeaning.
Because I realized that I had been Adrian’s doll. Never speaking up for myself, being there whenever he felt like playing with me, doing whatever I could to please him and make his life easier. I wasn’t myself when I was with him. I was just waiting around on a shelf for him to pick me up when he was ready.
I’d had no life outside of the one he’d given me.
I knew everything there was to know about Adrian. How he liked his coffee, what laundry detergent his housekeeper used. What sports teams’ games he recorded and his waist size in pants.
I’d had a crush based on nothing.
Because while I knew all those details, I didn’t know him as a person.
Not like I did Max.
Adrian wasn’t a bad guy. He was just completely different from me. He didn’t understand me the way that Max did.
This was a big mistake.
“You’re being awfully quiet,” he said.
It was true. “I wouldn’t let you watch my puppy for a weekend. Or have two drinks with you.”
He was completely confused. “I don’t understand.”
“What happened with Colette?” I asked.
His face fell. “I don’t know. Things were going so well, and out of nowhere she decided that I wasn’t as serious about our relationship as she was and she broke up with me. I was going to propose to her. I flew across an ocean to meet her family. I dropped everything in my life to go with her to France. How could she think that I wasn’t as serious about her?”
“Did you tell her?”
“Why would I have to tell her? She should have been able to see from my actions how much I love her.” He paused. “Loved her. Past tense. It’s over.”
“I don’t think it is. Colette needs the words. Actions aren’t enough. Tell her that you love her. That you were going to propose. You should go and fix things with her. I can tell that you don’t really want me here. You miss her.”
He gave me a wry smile. “I knew you had a crush on me. I probably asked you out tonight to stroke my ego a little.”
“Used to have a crush,” I corrected him. “And I think I had it for so long because you weren’t available and commitment has always been scary to me. But I’m in love with someone else. And I think I said yes to you because I was unfairly testing him. I wanted him to tell me not to come, but he didn’t. And I didn’t use my words, either. I was trying to push him into the response I wanted instead of talking about my feelings.”
I stood up. There was no point in staying here and continuing this farce. “I think we should call it a night. Don’t lose Colette. If you want, I will order her the biggest and best bouquet of flowers tomorrow. She’s the best thing that’s ever happened to you.”
Adrian smiled at me. “You’re a close second. I hope you know that you’re an important person in my life.”
I was his assistant, nothing more, nothing less. I’d never really mattered to him outside of what I could do for him. I’d made his life as easy as possible. No wonder I was so important to him. But it was kind of him to say as much, no matter how deluded it was.
Then he wrecked what little goodwill I had toward him when he added on, “You’ve always been so reliable and sturdy. Like a good workhorse.”
He saw me as a farm animal. Max treated me like I was sexy and desirable, and Adrian thought I was Mr. Ed.
I didn’t tell him that, though. There was no point in insulting him when I was hoping to get promoted. “Thanks, Adrian.”
He walked me to the door and we said good night. I briefly wondered if it was the shortest date on record as I walked down the long hallway to the elevators.
I thought of what Vella had said earlier—how I had sacrificed so much for Adrian. Over and over again I’d given him the absolute best of me, giving up so much of my unpaid free time to make him happy, hoping to get some tiny compliment from him.
What had I sacrificed for Max, a man I was actually in love with?
Some of my time in planning the baby shower for his cousin, but I could have done that in my sleep, and I was getting paid for it.
I hadn’t given up anything for him.
Maybe it was time that I sacrificed something for Max. My dignity, my fear and insecurities, my sense of self-preservation.
No more putting it off. I was going to be open and honest with the man I loved.