Chapter 44
The moment I close my laptop after finishing a therapy session, there’s a knock on my door. But it’s one, then two more quick knocks, followed by another single one. Liam’s signature knock.
I spent the last hour crying on and off to my therapist about Liam.
After talking with my mom the other night, it got me thinking and spiraling.
Because as much as I thought I loved Brandon, I’m realizing I may love Liam even more.
And that’s not something I was expecting.
Or something I feel equipped to handle right now.
It’s taken me two days to even get comfortable saying that might be the case.
You’re not supposed to fall in love with the next guy you meet after divorce, right? You’re supposed to have a fun stage, a wild stage, a this will show him era, right? How’d I skip all of that and fall right into love? I shake my head out of the thoughts and walk toward the door.
Liam looks ridiculously handsome as I pull the door open.
I’m afraid to open it too much because I might not be strong enough to close it with him on the other side if I do.
And I need to allow myself the space to figure this out.
To weigh everything potentially at stake and make sure I’m doing the right thing.
Because I thought I was doing the right thing once before, and I was humiliated.
His dark hair is tousled—I can only imagine from his hands raking through it. He’s staring at me like he’s desperately trying to read my mind, and I’m putting every ounce of a poker face I can into keeping my eyes unreadable.
I typed a reply no less than seven times to his text from earlier. Somehow unable to answer the question of “how are you?”
But it rolls off his lips again as he stands outside my door, and I feel my insides nearly melt at the sound of his voice.
It’s velvet. It’s calming. It’s like my favorite song that I haven’t heard in days finally being played on the radio and I want to turn up the volume and close my eyes, smiling as I listen to it.
When he admits he hasn’t been sleeping great, there’s a pit that forms in my stomach. I feel guilty over any pain I’m causing him. But I’m also trying to do what’s best for me. I promised myself. I promised I’d do that. And right now I just need a little more time to sort this out.
Our conversation is short and I hate that I believe him when he says he’ll give me space—there’s a look in his eyes telling me he’s no stranger to it. But I believe Liam, I’ve always believed Liam.
At least I know I’m buying myself a couple more days since he’s leaving tomorrow for an away game, and I’ll be here, with all my thoughts and emotions to sort through so I can woman up and say exactly what I want.
GIRLS ONLY
Mia Campbell
Do you girls feel like coming over for the game?
Abby Anderson
Sure!
Summer Kincaid
Yeah want me to bring anything?
The chat with Liam’s friends chimes as I’m driving to the studio for a work meeting.
I’m surprised they’re including me in this, to be honest, and it makes me wonder if Liam’s even told them about the space we’re taking.
Maybe they don’t realize I’m still in the chat.
For the time being, I continue driving and ignore the messages.
My mind is bouncing between memories of the last ten years of my life doing this job—well, five here, but ten total.
The hurdles I had to jump over, people I had to prove wrong, and really just the sheer amount of absolute bullshit I’ve had to deal with to get where I am.
To get to a place and a network where I feel respected and valued.
It’s not always easy, but I’m proud of the work I’ve done, the work I do, and what I know I can continue to bring.
Who I may or may not be in love with should have no goddamn bearing on that.
But even though it shouldn’t, doesn’t mean it won’t.
Mia Campbell
Demi, you in?
Another text chimes as I’m pulling into the parking lot. Okay, so they definitely didn’t forget I’m here. And that kind of makes me smile. Maybe I could use a girls’ night.
Sure, can you give me your address? Can I bring anything? And what time?
“This is the part where you say ‘no, Summer, you don’t look horrible in that dress.’ Good lord, what kind of friends do I have?” Summer laughs into her margarita as she passes around her cell.
“You’re obviously a ten. It’s the dress, something is off about it.” Abby shrugs and Mia points to her with an agreeing nod.
“Yeah, it’s the dress.”
All their eyes shoot to me as I’m sitting on the couch crisscrossed as the pregame is showing.
“Oh,” I say, wiping the corner of my mouth. “The color isn’t right. It’s really teal. Maybe do a more subtle blue, like a light blue, or swing the opposite direction and go navy blue.”
“That’s how you help, ladies.” Summer raises her eyebrows to her best friends as they sit spread out on this extra-large sectional.
Nate and Mia’s home is beautiful. It’s cozy, secluded, and filled with so much love. You can feel it as soon as you walk through the door. The pictures of the kids on the walls, the toys, the blankets, the smells—it’s amazing.
When the game starts, they all sit back and watch, commentating on different plays and the calls from the refs.
I’ve never done this—sat back and watched a game with girlfriends.
I watch footage all the time, but it’s usually in a room with other men, or by myself and I’m working; not exactly just watching for fun.
And watching for fun is allowing me to focus on one player.
“Oh, come on!” Summer shoots to her feet.
“The baby is sleeping,” Mia says, peeking at the monitor.
She mentioned the older two are doing a sleepover at her sister’s, and I guess going from three to one for a night is kind of like a mini vacation for parents.
“He looks so peaceful,” Abby says as she looks over Mia’s shoulder at the monitor.
Her brown hair falling over her shoulder, almost hitting the cushion with how long it is.
She stares at the screen, even after Mia sets it down to meet Summer in the kitchen as they refill drinks.
There’s a look on her face of sadness. A longing in her eyes maybe, and she inhales a deep breath before she sighs and looks up, catching me staring at her.
“We’ve been trying for…a long time.” She settles herself back in her seat.
“Oh.” I swallow. “I-I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”
“Not exactly something Ford shouts in interviews.”
“Right,” I say.
Summer and Mia come back into the living room just as the second quarter is almost over.
“Come on, Liam,” Summer softly says to herself. “What are you doing?” She sighs, shaking her head. Both of the girls seem to agree with her as we all watch him throw his third incomplete pass in a row.
“He’s unsteady,” I whisper as I’m staring at the screen, and I feel their eyes shoot to me.
I’m watching him scramble around the pocket, watching as he doesn’t step into his throws. I know our situation is on his mind and that burns a hole in my chest, knowing he’s off kilter because of it.
“Can you just get back together with him so he’s not unsteady?” Summer playfully taps my shoulder. “I’m kidding, we don’t do peer pressure here.”
Since our hallway conversation, I haven’t spoken with him.
He’s been giving me the space I asked for, and I’ve been cursing myself for asking for it.
Because all I want to do is talk to him.
But not until I know with certainty what I want.
I can’t keep stringing him along if I can’t be in this the same way he is.
“How is he? Really.” I bring myself to ask the question and brace for the answer.
Summer’s head tilts as she looks up from her phone during the commercial break. Abby and Mia are both on their way upstairs since the baby started crying.
“Really?” She looks at me, a soft albeit sad smile on her lips.
“He’s a mess, Demi. He’s going to smile and laugh for every single person because that’s what he’s been trained to do.
He’s really good at masking emotions if you haven’t already noticed.
” There’s a bite in her words. But she isn’t being rude, she’s being honest, protective over her friend.
And I respect that. “He knows you have a lot to consider. But can I be honest?”
I nod.
“It’s killing him.” Her eyes water when she looks at me.
“He doesn’t want you to know it. But I can see it on his face, I hear it in his voice.
The fear that he said something you aren’t ready for.
He wants to respect your request for space, and he is respecting it.
He stayed on our couch the night before they left for the away game, did you know that? ”
I shake my head, hurt covering my face.
Our jobs aside, there’s something else that’s been clawing at the back of my mind.
I saw Liam with those kids at family day.
I’ve seen glimpses of him with his friends’ children, who he refers to as his family.
He’s made to be a father, I see it. And I can’t be in the position again with someone where our wants don’t align.
“There’s just a lot to consider.” My index fingers outline my thumbs nervously. “I-I don’t want children,” I blurt out, just as Abby and Mia come back down the stairs.
Tossing my head back, I let out a sigh. This wasn’t the plan. Not tonight anyway.
“Oh. Okay. Well, that’s okay,” Summer says.
“It’s a big choice. Not everyone wants to be a parent, there’s nothing wrong with that,” Mia adds.
I look over at Abby. My heart is aching for someone who so desperately wants to be a mother, while I’m here declaring that it’s the last thing on my mind.
“It’s okay to admit that, Demi. It’s hard to live in a world where women are expected to become mothers. Some want it, others don’t. Your hard just looks different than mine. It’s okay,” Abby says as she takes a seat.
“But he’s so good with kids, he deserves to be a dad.” I gesture to the screen where they’ve just shown Liam running back out on the field after halftime. “It’d be selfish of me to take that away from him.”
“Have you told him you don’t want kids?” I nod. “Okay, and did he say he wants to have kids?” Mia’s tone is a little judgy—and I can’t blame her.
“Well, no.”
“Then you’re taking that choice away from him. You’re choosing for him by not giving him the chance to even tell you his thoughts.” Summer’s hand latches onto mine.
How did this conversation get here?
Because I just had to know how he’s doing, that’s how. Jesus, she’s right, though. He knows I don’t want kids, but it didn’t change anything about how he treated me, how he cared for me, how he loves me.
I keep hearing my abuela’s voice in my head telling me the same thing since I was fifteen.
Busca a alguien que te ame por lo que eres, no por lo que puedes hacer por ellos. Find someone who loves you for you, Demetria, not what you can do for them.
I feel so sure that Liam loves me for me. As I am.
Oh god, there’s a lump in my throat. A racing in my chest, and if I was okay with crying in front of people I’d be sobbing right now. But I pull my lips together. My palms are sweaty and my whole body feels antsy. I need to take a walk or jump in a pool—anything.
“Liam said you like Grey’s Anatomy.” Mia grabs the remote, muting the television and then reaches for her phone.
I have no idea what the song is when it starts playing but all three of them are on their feet in their fuzzy matching socks—they had a pair waiting for me when I arrived too.
“You need to dance it out.” Summer’s hand extends to me.
My brows crease as I stand, a smile creeping up on my face, and I finally just let my body go.