13. Chapter 13
Gunnar
The wind roars in my ears, but no matter how hard or fast I run, I can’t escape the guilt nipping at my heels.
What have I done?
I made love to another man. Kissed him. Shared my deepest, darkest pain with him.
I broke my promise to Leif.
And worst of all is that I loved every single second of it.
How could I?
I made a vow before my dying mate to never forget him. For years, I kept that promise, even on the loneliest nights when all I wanted was someone to take into my arms until sunrise.
I don’t know what came over me. I’d never needed someone so fiercely, not even Leif. I’d just been so scared of losing Arlo, so relieved he was all right, that for once I’d been able to save someone I loved that I—
I broke my vow.
And I would do it again. And again.
Leif.
Arlo.
Leif.
Arlo.
Gods, Arlo. The way he felt in my arms, around my cock, the sweet sounds of pleasure I’d coaxed from him.
Now that I’ve tasted him, been inside him, I know I can never go back.
He felt too good, too right. The connection we shared—gods, I missed that.
Having someone to hold, to kiss, to make love to.
I’m sorry.
I’m so sorry, Leif.
I don’t love him; I swear. I never will, not like I loved you.
But I need him. I’m so bloody tired of being alone.
Is that all right?
Please.
Please, love, tell me it’s all right to have this with him.
Give me a sign.
Something.
Anything.
The howl tears from my throat, and it feels as if my heart will break. If I just howl hard enough, loud enough, can I force the wretched organ from my body? I’m tired. I’m so tired of hurting, of missing, of wanting and yearning.
And the guilt, gods, the guilt.
Please, Leif. I’m so gods-damned lonely.
You’d understand. Wouldn’t you?
I howl until my throat aches, until I’ve got nothing left in me.
No one answers my song.
The scar in my heart tears open, and I bleed without end.