Chapter 2 #2
"Oh, yeah, well, that was right when Luna was coming back to me.
I was so consumed and broken down after Kai that Josie had to come here and basically live my life for me.
I just quit life. I felt abandoned by Kai, and I didn't realize I was doing the same thing to the people around me.
I basically died to them. I was in my house, but I was worthless.
I was just helpless to move on. Josie came and took care of Luna and kept the restaurant going.
I had to teach her how to poach eggs so that she could work for me.
Then, she took her to Colorado. Looking back, it seems ludicrous that I would've broken down like that, but in the moment, I felt like I was incapable of doing anything else.
I took what he did as betrayal. I was so obsessed with him leaving and betraying us, and I couldn't see that the hurt was causing me to leave and betray my daughter. "
"Gosh, Audrey."
"My first wake-up call was when Josie went back to Colorado and took Luna with her.
I went back to work, swearing that I would get myself better.
And I did, was able to work and get my business back growing.
Kai's parents had found out our marriage was a sham when he passed away.
I thought they were being unkind to me at first, but now I can see that they just wanted me to get better for Luna.
They knew I loved Kai, and I was crushed by everything, so they were patient with me with the restaurant and the house.
They own both. I'm in the process of buying them for way less than they're worth.
Anyway, last summer, when you met us, I had already worked everything out with Kai's parents, and I had just gotten Luna back. I was making progress. I knew I was capable of being a decent mom to Lu again. But meeting Ash happened right when she came back, and wanting him in that way sort of just tested me. I didn’t even skip a beat before putting my focus on myself and not what was best for Luna.
I was talking to Ash a lot, and when I wasn't talking to him, I was thinking about him.
Then it all came crashing down. I got humbled. "
"Uh-oh, what happened?"
"Uhhh, I was talking about Ash to one of my employees. She's a friend. Carly."
James smiled. "I met her when I came to your restaurant that time," James said.
I nodded because I remembered.
"What happened?" James asked.
"I was telling her about Ash, and I was being honest and saying that I felt bad about being a single mom.
I said that I didn't want him to feel intimidated by it.
" I cringed at myself—at the memory. "Anyway, I was telling Carly all that selfish stuff, and Lu heard the whole thing.
She had been dropped off by my friend, who was watching her while I was working.
I didn't even hear her come in." I paused and shook my head, remembering the scene.
"I made it seem like it was nothing in that moment.
I greeted Luna and I pretended nothing had been said, but I knew she had heard me.
Anyway, that hit me hard. It was just a few months ago, but my mindset is so different now.
I feel ashamed about how I was. I realized that I had just given my daughter what would probably turn out to be another sucky core memory.
Anyway, I ghosted Ash after that. I almost spiraled again. "
"Why didn't you?"
"I found God, honestly. God changed my heart, my perception of my situation.
I was humbled in a way that gave me the desired effect—in a way that I wanted to do better.
I knew that's what Lu needed from me. I vowed never to give her another scarring memory like that again.
I watch what I say now. I mean, I know she'll go through things in life, and I can't control that, but I understand sacrificial love in a different way now.
I focus on her, and it's fun—it's not drudgery.
I gave birth to her. She didn't ask to be born.
She doesn't owe me anything. I just woke up to that.
I was so selfish, and Ash sort of represents…
the test that I failed. I thought I was so amazing as a human and a parent.
I was so self-satisfied, and I ended up hurting my little girl again. "
James touched my shoulder. "I've seen you with Luna, and I know you're a good mom."
"I'm a good mom now. I can honestly say I am now.
I love giving my focus to that, and I love Lu.
She's way cooler than me. She forgave me and moved on.
She's getting into gymnastics and magic tricks, and I don't know…
I've learned so much from her. She's my little partner.
Which is why I should ask… I know the show's going to be in February, but how often are the rehearsals? Did they decide what time of day?"
James gestured toward the auditorium. "That's what they're talking about now. Everybody has a day job or school. Last winter, it was Tuesdays from six to eight and Saturdays from four to six."
"So, twice a week?"
"Yes, until closer to the show date, and we start ramping it up. But it's not crazy. Everyone has lives."
I nodded and smiled. "I think I can make that happen."
"Can I hug you?" James said out of nowhere with a sincere tilt of his head.
"Sure," I said.
I had stopped eating while I was telling my story, so I had part of my pizza left. I stashed it next to me and reached out to hug James.