Chapter 9
Ash Adams
Ash just couldn't understand why Audrey had pulled away from him so abruptly back in the summer.
She had said she wanted to focus on her daughter, and they had gone from really hitting it off to no contact at all.
He couldn't deny his attraction to her, though.
It was still there. He saw her last month, and now there they were seeing each other two days in a row.
He was hungry, physically, and watching her move around her restaurant and whip up a meal for him made him feel hungry in other ways, which made him antsy.
Ash excused himself to use the restroom while she was plating the food.
He took a minute to run some water over his face, dry it with a paper towel, and look in the mirror.
He adjusted his hair and checked his teeth for goodness sake.
It had been a while since Ash was this nervous in the presence of a woman.
Even last summer, when he had first been getting to know Audrey, he had been more relaxed than this.
Maybe that was because she wanted him back then.
She had been doing and saying things to please him when they first met, and now she was indifferent about how he felt toward her.
Maybe that was why he wanted her so badly.
He took a deep breath and reminded himself that he needed to slow down. He did not want to scare her off. He would just go eat some French toast, and that would be that. He wouldn't even kiss her tonight.
Ash opened the restroom door to head back into the kitchen.
It was the employee restroom, so he only had to take a few steps before seeing her again.
What had he been thinking? He would hurt her feelings if he didn't try to kiss her after she did all this.
He had to smile at himself for being so quick to change his mind and justify something that hadn't even happened yet.
"What do you want to drink?" she asked. "I already poured you a glass of milk, but do you want anything else?"
"No, I don't, thank you. And this looks amazing. Thank you for making this, Audrey. Seriously, this is better than anything else I could think of eating right now. It's gorgeous."
"You're very welcome," she said, blinking at him like she didn't expect such heartfelt gratitude. "I didn't have any fresh fruit."
"This is amazing." He moved to sit next to her at the table, and he felt like leaning in and kissing her cheek.
He was thankful for this plate of food, and a kiss on the cheek seemed like a natural response right then.
But that wasn't natural for her. Ash took a deep breath and sat in his chair, reminding himself to give her space.
He looked down to inspect the plate in front of him.
It was picturesque, like something you'd see in a magazine or recipe book.
He was blown away at the fact that she had whipped that up while talking to him.
It smelled and looked so delicious. He had thought about this meal several times since the last time she made it for him.
"You gave me way more," he said.
"I'm not that hungry," she said, cutting into the edge of her piece with her fork.
"But you don't have to eat it all if you don't want to finish it."
"Oh, I want to finish it, I just didn't know if you had enough."
"Oh, yeah, for sure. I made mine how I wanted it."
They had been talking about his life while she was cooking.
She wanted to know more about the possible audition he had coming up with Sam, and then she asked about his band.
He told her about that stuff, and then they brought up things about his family.
He had been meaning to ask her about the play.
"How are you liking Chicago?" he asked. "Tell me about the play. Who's that guy who was with you last night? Is he in the play with you?"
"Yeah, Collin, the director. He said he knew you."
"We went to the same high school. I meant who's he to you."
"He's just my director. I didn't know him before Chicago."
"You were hanging out with him at my show, so I was wondering."
"He sort of invited himself. He's a cool guy, obviously, and he gets along well with Josie and Alex. And he wanted to see your band."
Ash nodded as he continued eating. It was some of the best-tasting food he had eaten in a while. It went down easily, and he took big bites.
"What about the show?" he said. "Tell me about your role."
For the next twenty minutes, they talked about the play. There were a lot of things he was curious about, and one question led to another.
Eventually, Audrey stood and started cleaning, and he asked if he could help, but she said she had it covered. They talked while she did that, and Ash found himself watching her wash dishes and thinking he had to find a way to have her—to make her reconsider this distance she had put between them.
"What happened last summer?" he asked while she was turned away from him.
"What do you mean?" she returned without looking at him.
"I mean with us." There was a pause, and he felt bad about putting her on the spot, so he added, "I'm sorry. I just like you, that's all."
"Hang on, let me finish this, and I'll be right there," she said. She took a minute to wrap up what she was doing, and then she turned off the water, dried her hands, and headed back to where Ash was sitting. She gave him a timid smile like she was getting called into the principal's office.
Ash didn't let on how much he liked her, and he was glad about that because at this moment, he was sure she was about to say something to let him down.
"I'm having trouble figuring out how much to say. I think I'll try to keep it simple. Basically, objectively, I like you a lot. I mean, you remember how I would talk to you when we first met and everything."
"Yes, I do. That's why I'm wondering what… I was wondering if it was something I did."
"No, no, I'm… hang on…" she stared off into space like she was trying to gather her thoughts. "I've had so many emotions regarding things that I'm trying to condense it all down to the bullet points for you."
"Just talk to me," he urged. "You don't have to keep it short."
She took a deep breath. He saw her chest rise and fall, and he noticed her serious, thoughtful expression as she began to speak.
She stared down at the countertops, not looking at him.
"Basically, Ash, my life has a dent in it.
I hate to put it like that, but it's just the truth.
It's not just that I have a daughter, either.
I went through traumatic stuff, and there is just this vortex of doom that existed in my life because of it. "
"You don't have a vortex of doom."
"Yes, I do. I did. I found Jesus, and I'm better now. I'm working through things, but I'm not just a single mom. I have scars that are too deep for a normal relationship."
She paused and looked up to stare at him.
She was so delicate and sweet, and her eyes were watering with sincerity.
He could see that she had suffered great pain.
Ash was enraged at the person who made her hurt this deeply.
He wanted to reassure her that he wouldn't hurt her—that he would help her heal the scars someone else had put there.
But he couldn't make himself promise her those things.
He took a breath as he decided how to respond. "So, you have these scars, and now you think you can't have a relationship?" he asked. "Do you think you're just never going to be able to love anyone… for the rest of your life?"
He paused, and she hesitated for a long time before she said.
"No, it's not that." She was looking straight into his eyes, and he felt like he wanted to take her into his arms, hold her, and beg her not to overcomplicate things.
"It's… just… not… with… you…" She sounded so choppy and uncertain that her words didn’t sink in for a few seconds.
"What?" Ash asked, making a face.
He was offended, and she smiled at him and shook her head. "Ash…"
"What?"
"Don't do this."
"Don't do what, Audrey? You're the one who said that just now."
"Yeah, well, I only said it because…"
"Because what?"
"I don't know why you're making me come out and say this."
"Say what?"
"That you're too good for me. It's already embarrassing enough."
"What?" he asked, utterly confused. "You're the one saying I'm not good enough for you."
"How am I saying that?"
"Because you don't trust that I can deal with, whatever, your trauma."
"It's not about trusting you. It's just a matter of fact that my trauma exists.
You're pristine, Ash, and you need someone different than me.
I'm glad we had this talk because I see now that you could have misunderstood.
But it's not about you. It's just about me.
I have Kai's parents in my life. My own parents are in Colorado, and they're not really involved, so Kai's parents…
" She trailed off with a sigh. "All of this is just too much for someone like you to mess with long-term.
And I can't really do short-term anymore. "
"See? You're saying it's me who can't give you something you need."
"No, I'm not. I don't mean to, at least. I don't know if I'm ever going to let myself get into anything significant with somebody again.
So, the bottom line is that we're just not…
It's not that I think I'm insufficient. But I'm definitely not saying you are.
We're just in different places right now.
It's all good, though. After what I've learned about God lately, I don't force anything. "
She was speaking in a calm, cordial tone like none of this had her worried. But Ash was worried. He didn't want to settle for this. He wanted Audrey, and he was still confused as to why it couldn't happen.
"If you don't want me, just say it," he said. "It confuses me when you try to say that it's only because you can't trust me or that I'm too good for you. You don't get to say those things."
"Yes, I do, if it's the truth."
"It's not the truth, though. It's subjective. Those things are abstract. How do you know if you can trust me or not? You haven't even tried."
"You, uh, I'm sorry if you took it like I'm saying I can't trust you, or I need you to try to prove something to me.
That's not it. I just can't trust myself.
It's just the facts of my circumstance. You have a normal family situation, and I'll probably go to Kai's parents' house on New Year's. They buy fireworks."
"Okay," he said, not seeing what the big deal was."
She paused and then said. "Ash, just the fact that Kai did what he did should scare you."
"What? Why should it?" he asked, pulling back to look at her. "Did you do something to cause him to do that?"
"No. I mean… not… not directly. But when you've been through this, you can't help but blame yourself.
.." She paused and let out a sigh. "See?
Even conversations like this are uncomfortable.
We don't have to go into all the exact reasons why you deserve something different than me.
We should be able to just call this what it is and not mess with each other's emotions. "
"I'm not sure what that means. I'm not trying to mess with your emotions."
"Yeah, well, I might mess with yours."
She sighed, and he could tell it hurt her to say that and that she thought it was the truth.
"I won't let you," he said.
"I won't let me either," she said. "Plus, I have Lu to think about." She smiled regretfully and moved to wipe something in the kitchen.
She changed the subject and finished tidying up before they left the restaurant. They had been out for over an hour, and he knew she was ready to get back. Ash honestly didn't know what to say to reassure her. He only knew that he wasn't ready to give up.
They talked about food on the way back to Audrey's house.
He parked in front of a place that was two houses down from hers, on the same side of the street.
"Can I hang out with you guys tomorrow?" he asked when they came to a stop. Audrey glanced at him.
"Yeah, sure. Alex had mentioned it to you. But I thought you had to work."
"I do, but he was talking about doing some Christmas shopping later in the day. And maybe dinner."
"Yeah, of course. I'll have Luna back tomorrow, and she asked me earlier if her little friends could come over the day she gets back.
They're our neighbors. Everyone's on Christmas break, so she's trying to have friends over any time she can.
Plus, I think Judd and Sam and all of them…
Cameron and everybody might come by. But I mean, so yeah, as long as you don't mind a house full of people, that's fine. "