Chapter 15
Ash
Nearly a month later
~
Late January
It had been almost a month since Ash asked Audrey to be his girlfriend.
It was January first when it happened, and now nearly a whole month had passed, and they had not told a soul about it.
It was a secret relationship, and Ash never dreamed he'd go along with such a thing.
He didn't love it. He agreed to it for Luna's sake, but he knew it was for Audrey as well.
She was working through her fears, and she didn't want to rush into anything.
She had said that she wanted to be his girlfriend and that she would prefer it if he didn't date anyone else.
Ash was overjoyed that she felt that way because he had no desire to be with anyone else.
He didn't think he ever would. He had never felt this way about anyone before.
And the beautiful thing was that he was falling in love with Lu, too.
She had brought fun to his life. He had lived through some wild nights as a musician.
He had lived through wild times, period.
Ash had experienced fun by the world's standards.
But Luna brought true child-like fun to his life—the pure kind of fun that had no pretenses or consequences.
He hadn't gotten to know Lu as well as he wanted. Audrey still referred to Ash as her friend even though he hung out with them regularly now and had seen Lu at least a few times a week for the last month.
It was Saturday night, and Ash had been over at their house, hanging out with them. Lu just went to bed, and he waited in the kitchen while Audrey finished up with her. He knew he would leave soon. Audrey had been up since before dawn, making breakfast for all her customers.
But he didn't want to leave. Audrey came out of the hallway, walking toward him with a smile, and he wished this were his life. He wished he could stay the night tonight and every other night after that. He wanted to live there to protect Audrey and Lu. He hated leaving, and he dreaded it already.
Ash was standing in her kitchen with his back to the counter, and she walked right into his arms. He stooped a little and lifted her up, turning with her in his arms. He set her on the counter, and he positioned himself right in front of her.
"What are we doooiiing?" she asked, squealing quietly.
Ash held and squeezed her tightly, placing his face near her neck and chest, and breathing in the clean smell of her.
He could feel her shaking with laughter, but he didn't care.
He felt hungry for Audrey, and he couldn't get close enough.
She didn't push him away. She held onto him, and she was grinning at him when he pulled back to stare at her.
"I told Lu I was leaving for California soon, and that I wouldn't be able to hang out with you guys for a little while.
She looked at me and shook her head and said, 'c'est la vie'.
" Ash shook his head and chuckled at the memory.
"She was adorably serious when she said it.
I think I'm going to write a song with that name. "
Audrey snuggled in close to him. "That's sweet," she said.
"Come with me when I leave," he said.
"I can't. I have so much here. I can see you when you're done."
"Nooo," he said, messing with her in a whining tone.
She smiled and reached up to touch his hair. "I'm going to miss you," she said sweetly. She was so delicate, raw, and honest that he felt crushed by her words.
"Come see me out there," he said. "You and Lu."
"What? You're only there for a month, and you're going to be busy. I'll let you do your thing."
"I'm not that busy. It's not like our schedules are going to be completely consumed. Plus, your sister's there. Come see me for Valentine's Day. I know you're getting ready for Chicago, but I figured you could fit in a couple of days."
"I don't know."
"You don't have to answer now. But I do want you to answer something else. This is totally doable."
"What?"
"My parents' house. Lunch. Just come with me tomorrow," he said. "You and Lu."
"I'm not saying this because I'm coming. I’m just wondering, what time is it?"
"Mom said we'd eat lunch right at noon, but everyone's getting there early. My cousins are coming. Mom said people are showing up at ten. My dad got a half cow from Henry's ranch, so there's going to be enough barbecue for everyone."
"Is he cooking half a cow?"
"No, that lasts for a while. But there's going to be plenty of food. Believe me. You and Luna should come."
She sighed and let her shoulders slump. "We can't do stuff like that yet."
"Why not? Who's making these rules?" He looked around as if looking for the person responsible.
"No, it's just that, you know, our families… Luna and your family. If they get to know each other, then… other people's feelings are involved. I'm just trying to be smart. You know that. Plus, we've got church in the morning. Lu's in the little Easter show, and they're practicing for that."
"What time are you done with that?"
"Noon."
"Can you come after church?"
"Church was only part of the problem, remember?"
"I just don't see Luna getting to know my family as a problem."
"It will be if we break up, Ash."
"Why would we break up?"
She looked downward in such a way that Ash knew something heavy was on her mind.
When her words came out, her voice was timid and soft.
"Don't you know I'm still scared of myself?
" she asked, completely serious and shy.
She was looking away from him, and he tilted her face with a finger on her chin until she made eye contact with him. "What are you scared of?"
"You know."
"I know, but I want you to say it."
"No."
"No, really, say it," he urged. "I think it'll help to say it out loud."
"No."
"Say it, Audrey," he said softly.
"I'm scared that I'll make you kill yourself," she said, staring at him with her eyes full of tears.
"I'm not scared of that. I’m not scared of you. I’m a strong person.
If you treat me bad, I'll leave you. If you make me sad, I'll go away from you.
I'm not going to do that, no matter what my circumstances are.
And quite frankly, I like my circumstances a lot better with you in them.
You don't make me sad. You make me the opposite of sad.
I'm notably sadder when I'm not with you. "
Audrey closed her eyes, and tears fell onto her cheeks.
She took a slow, deep breath and sank into his arms. She went limp, leaning into him, and he held her tightly, supporting her, holding her.
They stood there and embraced for at least two full minutes, maybe it was as long as five.
It was long enough that Ash got startled when he felt a small hand on the back of his leg.
The television was on a music channel, playing in the other room, but otherwise it was quiet. That's why she surprised him so much.
"What happened?" Audrey asked when she felt him stiffen. She was making eye contact with him when he moved out of the way. Her gaze fell onto her daughter, who was standing right behind Ash.
"Oh, hey, baby. What's the matter? Are you okay?" Audrey tapped Ash on the arm, in a hurry for him to move and let her jump down. He shifted out of the way, and within a second, Audrey had jumped off the counter and was down by her daughter.
"I was scared."
"You were scared of what?" Audrey asked.
He watched her kneel down to her daughter's level, looking her in the eyes with great care as she waited for her answer. He couldn't believe he didn't hear Luna walk up. He had been standing there holding Audrey.
"Of bad dreams," Luna said.
"Oh, come here, baby, you don't need to be scared. Do you want to pray about it? Do you want to sleep with me?"
"Can he come lay by me till I fall asleep?" she asked. Her eyes were steadily fixed on Audrey, but she pointed to Ash.
"Yes," Ash said, without even thinking that he should let Audrey answer. "If your mom says okay," he added.
"How about we try that while I take a shower, and if you're still up when I'm finished, and you want to, you can come sleep with me."
Luna nodded and reached up for Ash's hand. The precious, sleepy five-year-old wanted to hold his hand and wanted him to sit by her while she fell asleep. His heart wanted to burst.
"Can he read me a story?"
"I guess," Audrey said. "But make it one from the short shelf."
"Okay," Luna said, leading him to her bedroom. "Can Ash spend the night at our house?" she asked her mom.
"No, but he can read you a story. And we'll probably see him tomorrow. He invited us to lunch with his family after church."
"Are we going?" she asked.
Audrey nodded.
"What is it to eat?"
"What is it, Ash?" Audrey asked.
"Barbecue," he said.
"Oh, that's right, the cow."
"What?" Luna asked.
"Nothing," Audrey said. "It's hamburgers and stuff."
"Okay," Lu said, nodding. "Are we going to it with Ash?"
"Yes," Audrey said.
Lu turned and looked at Ash, who shrugged and made a little face since he didn't know what else to do in that moment.
Lu lifted her arms. It was a practiced maneuver that made it obvious that she wanted to be picked up and held.
Ash picked her up and rested her on his side, and she went to him, clinging and easily letting herself be held.
He went down the hallway with Luna in his arms. It was a little girl who asked him to sit with her while she fell asleep.
Ash needed to put that into perspective and realize it wasn't that big of a deal.
It also wasn't a big deal that Audrey had agreed to go to his parents' house the following day.
These things were not significant enough to explain how happy he was.
He dropped her onto her bed, and she stayed standing even though he thought she'd climb into it and lie down.
"You have to pick one off the monkey shelf," she said, pointing to her bookshelf. There was a figurine of a monkey on one of the shelves, and Ash walked over there and pointed to it. Luna nodded.
"There are a hundred books on here. What should I pick?"
"Any," she said with a little giggle.
Ash took a handful of them and started walking back to the bed, and Luna crumpled in a silly way and continued to giggle.
"We can't read that manyyy," she said.
"No, I wanted you to have choices. We'll just read one and put the other ones back."
"O-kay," she said in an enthusiastic tone that made Ash smile.
Audrey peeked in on them. She waved and mouthed the words 'thank you' while Luna was looking down at the books.
Ash read a book about penguins to Luna. It wasn't educational but rather a storybook about a penguin family.
She had told him it was a series, but they only read one.
Lu fell asleep with him sitting next to her.
She was sleeping soundly—he could tell by her face and her breathing.
He could hear Audrey from down the hall.
He heard footsteps, and he knew she was coming around the corner any second.
She came in quickly, but she stopped short when she realized Luna was sleeping. She made a face at Ash.
"Is she out?" she said, mostly mouthing the words.
He nodded.
She waved him forward, nodding and telling him to follow her. Ash got up carefully, and Luna didn't stir.
Audrey was waiting in the main room, near the door. She thanked him and made their goodbye brief. She did kiss him again, though. She gave him several sweet, light kisses—the kind that made him know she liked him a lot.
It was progress.
There had been so much progress.
His presence had comforted Luna, and despite being guarded, it had comforted Audrey, too.
Her presence definitely comforted him. She came out of the bathroom, fresh out of the shower, smelling like soap and without a stitch of makeup on her face, and he wanted to spend every night with her and see her get out of the shower forever.
For now, he would have to rely on knowing he would see her tomorrow.