Chapter 17
Audrey
The last weekend of February
I had given Ash ample time to change his mind and run.
I told him we should break up while he was in California so that he could pursue other people and opportunities.
I wanted him to be able to spread his wings out there.
That was a conversation we had before he left, and I had been completely sincere when I said it to him, but Ash had laughed.
He thought it was hilarious that I would want to temporarily break up, and told me I was being silly.
He said there was no one who could tempt him and that he was counting the minutes until he could be back in Montana with me.
When he had left for California, I didn't have much hope.
I thought he would find satisfaction with someone who was less complicated than me.
I hated the thought of that, but could not help but doubt.
But the time didn't seem to lessen his feelings.
It may have done the opposite. Ash seemed to really miss me when he was there.
There were other things, too. I noticed a different kind of change in him about halfway through his trip.
He started talking about Jesus. It wasn't like he had a spiritual experience or anything.
He never mentioned anything happening. He just said to me that Sam bought him a Bible and that he started studying.
And then later in our conversations, he would casually mention these deep concepts—things that would make me look into it for myself.
Ash seemed relieved that it was starting to make sense to him.
He seemed happy in general, and I couldn't help but feel even more drawn to him as I watched him learn and grow.
He was still Ash. He was still this cool, confident rockstar.
If anything, he was cooler now. I loved that he was willing to jump into something new.
When he left for California, I did not think I deserved him.
But a lot had changed since then. Quite honestly, I wasn't sure if I deserved him now.
On paper, he was a couple of years younger than me, and he should probably try to find someone without quite so much trauma or baggage.
Part of me might always defer back to those feelings.
But having a spiritual foundation somehow subdued my insecurities.
I'm not sure how it worked, but my level of confidence and feelings of assurance were directly affected by Ash mentioning the Bible.
I didn't know how that was even possible, other than to say that it was as if I thought God could help him love me.
It still felt too good to be true in the sense that I didn't mention it to people in my life. During the last couple of months, Ash took up a lot of space in my heart and mind, but I never mentioned it to Carly, Cal, or anyone else I was close with.
I did mention Ash to Luna, but it wasn't in regard to my feelings about him.
I would say facts about him in passing that were meant for her to grow familiar with him, like I was.
No one knew how much he meant to me. I wasn't even sure if I was ready to admit to myself how much he meant to me.
He had left for California a month ago, and since then, I had been keeping news of my relationship with him to myself.
My role in the musical wasn't difficult for experienced theater people, but it was a lot for me.
I had to work hard to keep up with Luna, the restaurant, and learn my role in the play.
I missed Ash, and I couldn't wait to see him again, but my plate had been extremely full while he was gone, so that helped.
Unfortunately, he would miss the show.
The director of his movie was the one who set their schedule, and Ash had purchased his ticket weeks ago based on that information. We knew he would miss it in person, but our Friday night performance was filmed, so he would be able to watch it once they posted it.
The week leading up to the show and the whole weekend of the show were a massive whirlwind. Josie wasn't planning on coming to Montana for it, but she couldn't resist, and she made plans to fly here for the weekend.
I had people lined up to help with Luna during show week, but Josie's presence was so helpful, and I was thankful to have her there with me.
At the moment, I wasn't feeling thankful. Josie was not picking up her phone, and panic was coursing through my body. I could not think about anything besides fishnet stockings at the moment.
I gave up on Josie and called Carly from backstage. I knew they were both in the audience. My heart was racing.
"Hey, Gwen, do you have an extra pair of fishnets?" I asked a girl as she passed.
"No, why?"
I turned and let her see the back of my leg, and she gasped. "What happened?"
"Katherine set her curling iron on them."
"Oh, I bet you were so mad," Gwen said.
I just smiled stiffly. The truth was that Katherine had been mad at me because she ended up with a melted mess on her curling iron.
"Why'd you even put them on?"
"Because it's my last pair. I've used four pairs this weekend. I was hoping it wouldn't show."
She stood back. "It shows. You could just put holes in them all over and make it look intentional."
I smiled, but I didn't like her suggestion. I called Carly again. I was panicked and nervous before every show, even when things were all going according to plan.
All I needed was a new pair of fishnet stockings. I had a pair of them at my house, some that I thought were overkill and were on my counter waiting to go back to the store.
My mind was focused on finding a way to get them. I thanked Gwen and held the phone to my ear, waiting and praying for Carly to answer.
"Hey, sorry. I couldn’t find my phone. I'm here! It's packed—even more than Friday!"
"Carly, I'm so glad you picked up. I need a huge favor," I said in a rushed tone.
"Sure. What?"
***
It was exactly fifteen minutes later when Carly pulled up at the backstage door. I had been on stage already, but I had pants over my stockings in the opening act.
I went to the back door as soon as I came off the stage, and Carly was pulling up. She knew how anxious I was, so she was driving fast, and I ran out to the little driveway in costume to meet her. She rolled down the passenger's window for me to retrieve the stockings.
"I owe you so much for this. Sorry you missed part of the show.
"It's okay. I saw it on Friday. Glad I could help."
"Is Josie here?"
"Yeah, her and Luna. And others, too. Ash is here," she said.
I was already turned and heading back to the door, and I stopped and looked back at her. "What?"
She smiled. "Ash is here. He's with his family. They're in the third row, right in front of me." She smiled, waved, and started to drive off in search of a parking spot.
I had no time to hesitate. My body was in get-dressed-mode, and I rushed through the backstage area and went to my station to get the costume off and back on as quickly as possible.
Was Ash there? My heart was racing violently to get changed and ready before I was needed on stage.
I rushed so quickly to get those fishnets out of their package and onto my legs that I forgot to breathe.
I rushed and ripped and tugged and pulled.
I slipped and slid and yanked and adjusted.
I was gentle but swift with those stockings.
I had several steps to complete with my costume after the fishnets, and I did them all with such focus that all I could hear was my own heartbeat.
The costume and makeup were only part of all I had to remember and accomplish backstage.
I had to help with set pieces. I had to sing and dance in scenes with the ensemble after my main number.
All of those responsibilities were present in my mind, but I kept going back to what Carly had said about Ash.
He had given me no reason to believe that he was coming back to Montana this weekend. If he was truly there, he had done an amazing job of keeping it from me.
And then, before I knew it, it was time for me to go onstage. I made my way over to the wings, where I knew we would go on.
"He had it comin'!" Collin sang from behind me as I walked up to my castmates.
"What are you doing back here?" I asked, since he usually watched from the front.
"I just came back to tell you ladies that you have absolutely murdered that song this weekend.
I'm so proud of you all. You have slayed this scene every performance.
" He put his hand on my shoulder. "Great job, newb, you're really killin' it.
" I thanked him, and then he looked at everyone else and said, "You all are, ladies!
Enjoy this last show, and break all your legs! "
"Thank you!" we all said to him as he turned to walk away.
"Did you get new fishnets?" Gwen said, staring at my legs.
"Yes," I said, turning. "Just a few minutes ago. Thank goodness."
"What happened?" Sadie said. I started to explain, but Landon came by with his headset, looking serious and putting his finger to his mouth like we should all be quiet.
He was one of the backstage assistants, and he took his job seriously.
We all just trailed off from our conversations since we were about to go on.
I was in the number with five other women, and we each had our own cell door—a tall, rolling frame with an eight-foot-tall chain link door.
We used them throughout the whole number.
Mine was the worst one. It was one of the disadvantages of being new to the theater.
My door had been traded a few times by different girls who were more assertive than me, and I ended up with the worst one.
It wasn't that they were bullying me, I just didn’t understand how things worked or how to take up for myself in this environment.
Collin had someone grease my wheels, and I smiled as I shifted it with my hands, thinking it wasn't the worst one at all. It was probably the best one now. It was smooth, and I grinned, thinking that was one thing I could relax about.
"You're Mona," I said to myself. "Just go out there and be Mona." I spoke so quietly that it was inaudible. I had a mic taped to my cheek, and knew they would turn it on just before I went on stage. I wasn't sure if it was on yet or not, but we were in the moments when it would be close.
I didn't say another word. I was on the end, and I was able to shift my door around without anyone noticing. It was smoother than ever—even better than the first one I had.
This was about to be fun.
He was there. Ash.
Now that I was looking for him in the audience, I easily spotted him. He was in the third row in the center, and after I caught sight of him, I immediately blurred my vision and made myself forget.
I sang and danced like I had practiced. I pretended it was just Luna and me in our living room. I pretended that I was the type of woman who would go ballistic and kill a man if she caught him cheating.
My door swung around and spun like a charm.
I knew it was my last time to perform this with these people, and I gave it everything I had.
I was oblivious to the audience. I had no idea they were in front of me.
My world ended at the edge of the stage.
It was a cool, groovy, sultry scene, and I wasn't the only one getting into it.
All of my castmates were on fire. Our song looked and sounded great—I could just feel it.
I made a mis-step or two, but it was one of my cleaner performances.
My adrenaline was on overdrive, and the scenes passed quickly after that one. I fulfilled all of my responsibilities, dancing and singing in the ensemble and moving set pieces.
Before I knew it, it was time for bows.
I tried to look at the audience and take it all in as I was bowing.
I tried to see them and to focus my vision on the audience.
But I couldn't. As I looked out, my eyes were blurry from tears.
I was able to smile and look normal and not contort my face, but the tears were present in my eyes, and I could not focus on the audience, no matter how hard I tried.
I didn't blink. I knew that if I blinked, a tear would fall, so I just held my eyes wide open and let my vision be blurry.
After the curtain call, we went backstage to change so that we could head out to the lobby to greet any audience members who had stayed.
I knew Luna would be out there with Josie.
Carly and a few others were here from the restaurant. And Ash. He was here, and I knew he would be waiting in the lobby with the others. I reapplied deodorant and wiped my body with a damp towel before changing.
Collin liked to have us dress nice when we went to the lobby after shows, and I had on black slacks with a baby blue blouse.
I felt confident and happy because everyone in the dressing rooms was in the best mood.
Don't get me wrong, there were tears about it being over.
But mostly there was laughing and fun. We were all relieved that it had been one of our stronger performances, and today's audience had been especially good.
I was moving quickly—we all were. We wanted to go outside and see our loved ones.
I got dressed while giving about fifty hugs.
I gave a hug to everyone I saw, and to some people, I gave two. I gave Collin two hugs. I told him that this experience would not have been the same without him, and that was the truth.
Considering how many goodbyes I said backstage, I managed to get out of there quickly.
There were a ton of people in the lobby, and it did not take me long to find mine. Luna hollered my name and instantly ran my way.