Chapter 8
Derek quietly sat in his therapist’s, Dr. Shavez’s, office. He’d been here plenty of times where he just sat and waited till his hour was up. He’d answer her questions with one word, or a simple nod of his head. He hated coming here in the beginning. He even lashed out a few times hoping it would be enough for her to drop him as a patient, because he didn’t have the balls to walk away on his own.
“Why did you pick the name Kai?” That had been her first question and he expected it. He’d come in and asked if Kai could sit in on their session and Dr. Shavez happily agreed, but not before he caught her zeroing in on the mention of his dog’s name.
Dr. Shavez knew of Danny and Sasha. She knew what his middle name had been, because Derek had told her how Danny would often tell people his name was Kai––he thought it was a cooler name. Dr. Shavez knew what Danny meant to him and how his death had affected him worse than any other soldier he’d lost in combat.
Derek couldn’t very well tell her he heard what he thought might have been the dog, or maybe even Danny himself telling him to name his new companion after him. He eventually wanted to stop the therapy session and not add to them.
He remained quiet, his hand petting a sleeping Kai. His mind caught between the events at Sasha’s office and the decor of Dr. Shavez’s office. Sasha had been in trouble, knew the second Kane had walked in he was going to be a problem. He was glad he’d been there and didn’t want to think about what would have happened if he hadn’t.
What stuck in his mind was the way she hugged him after. She ran into his arms, and wrapped herself around him like he was still the man that had weaved the stars in the night sky for her. It felt all too familiar and he wondered if he’d ever get it back.
He gazed toward the window he couldn’t see out of. “Why don’t you have windows in the office?” Derek asked, doing everything but answering the question.
“So people can’t see in. These sessions are private.”
“That’s gotta be depressing, no sunlight all day.” Kai burrowed further into his lap and he shifted so he could hold her closer. He felt his pulse race. He wanted to be here to talk through his changes, or what he thought were changes and what happened with Sasha, but it made him panic. He felt like the walls were closing in on him and he began to sweat in the air-conditioned office. He prayed one day these panic attacks would go away but they seemed to be coming up at the most random times.
“What made you get a Pitbull?” Dr. Shavez’s voice was calm and meant to be soothing but to Derek it always sounded like nails on a chalkboard.
He could tell her tone had been rehearsed and a part of him hated it. He understood she was the doctor and there needed to be this sense of professionalism but sometimes he wished she would cut the bullshit and be who she was, it might have made this experience an easier pill for him to swallow.
“I didn’t.” He looked down at Kai and noticed one of her eyes were half open. Was she sleeping with her eyes open or was this her fake sleeping? He felt himself smile as he patted her side.
“She found me and I took her in. It was getting ready to rain and I couldn’t leave her alone out there with no shelter, especially in the cold.”
Dr. Shavez nodded. “She was abandoned?”
“Yeah. She had fresh cuts on her body when she found me. That could have just been from her being out on the streets. I thought at first she was used as a bait dog, but she’s too well behaved and already trained. I haven’t had to do anything really, she just knows.”
“What do you mean by she just knows?” Dr. Shavez asked.
“I say sit, she sits. I haven’t put a leash on her yet she knows to stay by my side and…” He paused, the words getting stuck in his throat. This was the most he’d talked in a session that had nothing to do with the basics of how’d you sleep, are you eating, how would you rate the last few days. He felt at ease talking about Kai because she’d been such a happy change for him.
Derek swallowed past the lump in his throat and looked down at a now sleeping Kai. He wondered for a second if she was going to fall into another nightmare and if she did could she sense that he was there? Did she feel safe enough being in this office with him to truly rest? He hoped so, because this past week knowing that Kai was at the foot of his bed or next to it was the first time in a long time he actually slept through the night. Whatever nightmares he managed to have, she pulled him out of them.
“You remember when you showed me the reports on how many retired service people and people who suffer from PTSD rely on emotional support animals?” His voice had softened almost as if he was afraid or even ashamed to admit what Kai was to him.
“Of course. I believe I even suggested that you look into it. Animals are great companions, even when they aren’t trained as emotional support. Once they get to know their owners, they can become that in their own way.”
Derek nodded. “I’ve actually gotten a good night’s sleep, I want to say five out of the seven days I’ve had Kai. It’s like knowing she’s there puts my mind at ease in ways that seemed impossible before. Even when I first found her, she pulled me out of a dangerous string of thought. It sounds crazy, but it feels like she was meant to be my dog.”
Dr. Shavez let a smile slip as Kai started snoring in his lap. Derek looked down and saw her tongue peeking out of her mouth as she shifted on her back in his lap.
Derek still felt awkward speaking so much, but the words kept pouring out of him. “I, um, saw Sasha last week and today.”
“And how did that go?” Dr. Shavez sounded intrigued.
“Hard,” Derek chuckled. “It was weird to have to be professional with someone you were once intimate with. I wanted to apologize for everything and even though the words burned in my throat, not only did I think it was a waste of time, I also didn’t think we were in an appropriate setting to have that conversation, you know? I was there because of Kai, not because of her. But I haven’t been able to get her out of my mind. She told me to trust in Kai because animals have a good sense for people.”
He shifted in his seat and told her what happened. She was still soft and kind to him when she didn’t have to be. He was man enough to admit that he needed that and soaked it up. He knew there was too much to repair between them for them to ever be able to go back to how things were, but this was a small town and maybe now with Kai they could find a way to be acquaintances.
“Can I make an observation?” Dr. Shavez asked. He nodded. “I’ve been seeing you for a while now. Two years to be exact. You seem different today than you did when we started these sessions––even from last week, there’s been a change to you.”
That probably had a lot to do with him actually getting sleep. His recurring nightmares had taken a blissful break. His mind and body finally had time to rest and with that came the feeling of being a human again. He didn’t feel like a shell of himself and he knew that came from having Kai and seeing Sasha again.
Sasha had always made him want to do better and be better. Derek wondered if somewhere just below the surface that was the real reason behind him pushing her away. He knew eventually she would have broken through his darkness and pulled him out of his misery. All he wanted to do when he came home was hold on to that pain because he thought it was his penance. He knew Sasha wouldn’t let him hurt.
Derek looked down at his sweet girl, she had been the catalyst for him. If she never found him, he would have never gone to see Sasha. He wasn’t one for believing in signs and whatever else people believed in to make sense of their world. He had nothing against it, but being in the marines showed him life can be random with no rhyme or reason. Maybe his finding Kai was just a random coincidence, but he knew he wouldn’t be sitting in Dr. Shavez’s office today, and whatever he hoped was brewing between him and Sasha if he hadn’t brought Kai home.
“Thank you,” he whispered down to her. He may have rescued her from living on the streets, but Kai was the one saving him, one day at time.