Chapter 15 #2
Audrey
That sounds like a derogatory word for someone. “That little twattle!”
Me
Nope, but I have heard “twatwaffle” used as a derogatory name for someone, so I can see why you’d think that.
Audrey
*adds twatwaffle to memory for future use*
Me
Twattle means to gossip.
Audrey
Somehow that makes sense. I learned where the word “cocky” comes from.
Me
It doesn’t come from cock?
Audrey
No, surprisingly. It comes from the word “cockalorum.”
Well, that’s not entirely correct. Cocky and cockalorum both mean a boastful and self-important person, but cockalorum is derived from an old Flemish word.
Me
Now I’m going down a rabbit hole learning how the word cock came to be.
Audrey
I assume it is connected to a rooster and how he struts around. Hence the word cocky.
Me
It also goes back to the thirteen hundreds, believe it or not.
Me
Woah, at one point, cock was a personal name!
Audrey
I’m oddly relieved that it’s no longer used as a first name, I guess.
Me
What, you wouldn’t want to date me if my name was Cock? Cock Wahlberg does have a nice ring to it.
Audrey
It does, actually.
Please don’t change your name.
Jamie suits you.
So does Jameson for that matter.
I have a feeling you’re researching how to change your name.
Me
Sorry. Went down another rabbit hole learning about how cock is sometimes used as a term of endearment in parts of Great Britain.
Audrey
I am not using that.
Me
It’s okay. You can call me Daddy.
How do I unsend a text?
Seriously. Ignore the last two texts from me.
Possibly this entire exchange. I’ll have to scroll back to see where else I possibly forgot to filter my thoughts.
Jesus. Now I sound like I really DO want you to call me Daddy, but just didn’t want to say it out loud, but that’s not the case.
Sometimes my sense of humor skews a little offside.
I bet you don’t even know what offside means.
Have I been blocked?
Googling how to figure out if I’ve been blocked …
Well, shit. It says you’re reading the texts, so you haven’t blocked me. But I’m literally having a one-sided conversation here.
Audrey
I. AM. DYING.
Me
Literally or figuratively?
Audrey
Figuratively. I’m literally crying because I’m laughing so hard right now. That just made my entire day.
Me
Really? I would have thought the excellent kiss and amazing nap would score a little higher on the charts, Aud. I’m hurt.
Audrey
You’re right. It made my evening.
Believe it or not, I needed that. I had to euthanize a little girl’s dog today. I can typically hold it together, but when she cried, I cried. It’s not a good look to sob with a client while putting their dog down.
Me
Oh fuck. I’m sorry, Doc. What can I do to make you feel better?
Audrey
This conversation is helping immensely. Thank you.
Me
I’m glad.
Whenever I’m really sad, I put on my favorite movie.
Audrey
For someone else, I’d assume their favorites would be football movies like Rudy or Remember the Titans. But for you, I’m assuming it’s completely unrelated.
Me
You are correct.
Audrey
Can you give me a hint?
Me
A cult classic movie with a gangster twist.
Audrey
According to Google, it’s Scarface.
I can’t believe that’s it. You don’t seem like the type who would find joy in a movie like that.
Me
It’s not. It’s Home Alone.
Audrey
Oh, a gangster twist. “Keep the change, you filthy idiot.”
Me
YA. Not you. YA. Sounds better that way. And it’s ya filthy ANIMAL, not idiot.
Audrey
My mistake.
Me
Well, what’s your favorite movie?
Audrey
Not sure if I have a favorite movie, but I definitely have comfort television shows. I tend to gravitate toward shows that have humor as the focus. The Good Place, Schitt’s Creek, Brooklyn Nine-Nine.
Audrey
But when I’m really in a sad place, I eat ice cream.
Me
Oh yeah? What’s your favorite?
Audrey
I love this one called Amaretto Cherry Cordial. I can only find it at some grocery stores. It’s my absolute favorite. Other than that, I’m pretty plain, and enjoy a good homemade vanilla ice cream. I’m picky about brands, though.
Me
As you should be. Ice cream is important.
Audrey
Did you seriously send me ice cream???
Me
I would have brought it myself, but both of my cats are laying on me, so I’m not allowed to move.
Audrey
That is a rule. Thank you, Jamie. That was incredibly sweet of you.
Me
Promise to save me a bite? I need to know how good this flavor is.
Audrey
You sent me two half gallons. I highly doubt I’ll eat them both in the next twenty-four hours.
Jeez, how many toppings are in here?
Me
It’s possible I may have gone overboard. It’s entirely too easy to add things to an online cart.
Audrey
I haven’t had magic shell topping in years!
Oh, Ghirardelli has a fudge topping? YUM.
Wow, there’s a cupcake flavor of magic shell! And how many containers of sprinkles did you SEND?
Me
I lost track.
Audrey
This poor shopper must have been incredibly concerned.
Me
Why do you think that?
Audrey
She hand wrote a note that says “He’s not worth it. All men are pigs.”
Me
Ouch.
I can message her and tell her you don’t eat pig. Maybe that’ll make her feel like you’re doing okay.
Audrey
I guess it’s a good thing that all men aren’t pigs, then.
Because now I can still eat you.
Me
Hold on, I’m moving these cats RIGHT NOW.
Audrey
Leave them alone! It’s fun like this.
Can I confide in you about something?
Me
Of course.
Audrey
I’ve trained myself to hold in a lot of my thoughts. Inside thoughts versus outside thoughts. Never in a million years would I have said that to you a week ago. But now, I guess I feel like you’ll be more understanding and accepting of my inside thoughts showing up on the outside.
Me
Obviously I have my own challenges with inside thoughts, so I’m no judge on that. But I’m glad you trust me.
Audrey
I’ve had a lot of people give up on me because I lack social skills at times, and on occasion, I’ll forget to put on my filter.
Me
Me too. That’s part of the reason why I keep to myself, and why only a handful of people know I’m autistic.
Audrey
Do you think people wouldn’t be accepting of you if they knew your diagnosis?
Me
I don’t know, which is why I don’t tell anyone. I’ve never felt that I needed a huge circle of friends. I have a core group I know I can trust who I depend on, and I’m good with that.
Audrey
I’m the same way, but I don’t hide that I’m autistic either. Not that I’m out shouting it around, but if someone asks, or if it comes up in conversation, I’m upfront about it. I’m autistic. This is me. Take it or leave it.
Me
They better take it, because you’re fucking amazing.
Audrey
Thank you. I think you’re pretty amazing too.
And maybe it’s the optimist in me, but I have to think more people would be proud of you for embracing your neurodiversity, and owning it. Plus, you have such a platform. I think you could help a tremendous number of people, especially children, who think they’re not up to snuff because of autism.
Me
Maybe.
I’m not ready to tackle that.
Audrey
That’s fair.
I’m proud of you for telling me.
Me
You asked me point-blank.
Audrey
You could have lied. Or gaslit me. But you were honest. That takes courage, Jamie.
Thanks for all the ice cream goodies. I’m going to make myself a huge sundae and watch Home Alone.
Me
A woman after my own heart.