12 | Simone
Being an empath really sucked. I couldn’t remember the last time I’ve cried this much. I didn’t just cry for myself. I cried for Samaj too—for the pain I knew he was carrying. I’d hurt him twice now when he was already dealing with so much and I felt horrible.
I had tried reaching out a couple of times hoping to make things right between us, but my calls and texts went unanswered.
So, I kept myself busy enough to not drown in my sorrows. If I wasn’t being GiGi’s chauffeur or planning upcoming events for Faith and Femininity, I was applying for internships and jobs.
It’s the following weekend and I was at Emaree’s house getting my hair done. She did a silk press for me once or twice a year. Soft R&B played in the background while she sang along quietly.
Singing was one of Emaree’s many talents that she would often downplay. She didn’t even like to sing around anyone, so hardly anybody outside of family knew.
“Look at all this beautiful hair. It’s going to look so good when we’re done.” She said while detangling my curls.
“Girl, your hair is beautiful and it’s longer than mine.”
“Yeah, which just makes it harder to manage.”
“At least you know how to do your hair. I know a bun hates to see me coming.” We laughed.
“Well, I keep telling you anytime you want your hair done to let me know. You’re always looking out for everyone including me. It’s OK to let others do for you too.”
This should be engrained in my head as many times as she’s expressed this. I was always helping someone. Always showing up for everybody else, but rarely allowed others to do for me or put myself first.
“Thanks girl. What else you have planned for tonight?”
“My mom is out of town once again and my brother is spending the weekend with his off and on-again girlfriend so I’m going to a house party with Yasmin. I would tell you to come, but I already know you hate house parties.”
“I hate all parties. Especially the ones you like going to. What’s supposed to be a chill kick back turns into people gambling, smoking, fighting, shooting and God knows what else.”
I had gone to maybe two parties with Emaree since we’ve been in college and they both turned out to be the craziest things I ever got myself into. A girl almost overdosed at one and there was a police raid at the other.
“I just don’t like being alone, so I always find a reason to be outside.
Growing up with my dad there were always people around or someone throwing a party.
They don’t even care what the reason for the party is.
If it’s a holiday, baby shower, graduation, a football game, or someone getting out of prison they’re throwing food on the grill, and the family DJ is pulling up. ”
“Craving community isn’t a bad thing, but not wanting to be alone is a bit of an issue. You believe being alone will make you lonely when in reality it just allows you the opportunity to enjoy your own company.”
“It’s hard not to feel lonely living in this house. It’s entirely too big and no one is ever here. I’d rather be in a smaller house full of people than in this empty mansion. I can’t wait until I marry my chocolate man and have a bunch of pretty babies.”
“Your chocolate man huh? You wouldn’t happen to have someone in mind would you? Someone who’s name starts with a K and ends with an M?”
“Simone, remember I have a hot tool in my hand. Do you want me to burn you?” I snickered.
“You still haven’t heard from Samaj yet?” she asked switching subjects. Hearing his name shifted my entire mood.
“No, and I’m pretty sure he has my number deleted or blocked by now.”
“Maybe he just needs a little more time.”
“Sometimes I think I should’ve waited a little longer to tell him or I shouldn’t have said anything at all.”
“Everything happens the way it’s supposed to. I know the outcome sucks right now, but it could all be a blessing in disguise.”
“You’re right, I just hate that he shuts down like this.”
We must have talked Samaj up because not even ten minutes later he called me.
“Hello?”
“We need to talk.” There was no hi, how are you?
“Ok. I can come to your place once I leave Eamaree’s house.”
“Alright.”
I was a ball of nerves pulling up to his apartment. I sat in the parking lot for a few minutes trying to calm myself down. A whole week of silence, of my calls going unanswered, of texts sitting on delivered—and now suddenly he wanted to talk.
I wasn’t sure if that made me relieved or terrified. Maybe a little of both. I finally forced myself out of the car and walked toward his apartment building.
When he opened the door, he didn’t even give me a chance to greet him.
He just stepped back, letting me inside like I was the maintenance man coming to fix a leaking faucet, not someone he’d kissed…
not someone he said he cared about. He looked exhausted.
Distanced. Like whatever we had was already gone.
I followed him to the living room and sat down on the couch, but he didn’t sit down next to me, instead he stood there. And that alone told me everything.
He exhaled, dragging a hand over his face.
“I don’t want to drag this out. I think it’s best if we part ways.” He barely looked at me when he said it. His eyes were cold, unreadable.
“That’s it?” My voice cracked, but I didn’t care. “You wanted me to come here just to break up with me?”
“You rather me text it to you?”
“Don’t get smart with me Samaj.” I snapped.
“I felt like you deserved a face-to-face before I left. He said, eyes fixed somewhere over my shoulder.
“I leave in two days.”
“What do you mean you leave in two days?” My words shot out, sharper than I meant.
“I thought you weren’t leaving until the beginning of the new year?”
“I moved it up. I’m ready to get away from here and start fresh. I need to focus on my original plan.” His words hit me hard. I blinked at him, disbelief and hurt all had my heart racing.
“A fresh start. Right.” I whispered. “What about the ‘I want you and a future with you in it’ was that all just talk?”
He finally met my eyes but only for a second, and what I saw wasn’t hatred. It was pain. But he shut it down so fast it made me feel stupid for hoping.He shrugged, his jaw tight.
“I just… need space.”
“Space?” I laughed, but it wasn’t funny. “Samaj, you’re acting like I betrayed you on purpose. Like I wanted to hurt you when I was trying to protect you and now, I feel like you’re trying to punish me.”
He didn’t respond, but the silence was louder than yelling. Louder than anything. I felt my eyes sting, but I refused to let the tears fall. Not here, not in front of him.
“You know what?” I stood up so fast that he stumbled back in surprise.
“You don’t want to fix this. You want an excuse to run. So go ahead. Run. Start your new life. That’s fine.”
“I’m not running. I just don’t trust you!” He looked like he regretted it as soon as it left his lips, but the weight of his words had already hit, and I had to admit the truth hurt.
“I didn’t mean that.”
I folded my arms across my chest. “Yeah, you did. Don’t minimize how you feel for my sake.” But he was done expressing himself. Just when I thought we’d made a small breakthrough he shifted the conversation. All it did was irritate me.
“I got you a Christmas present.” He said, picking up a small box that was sitting on the coffee table.
“I don’t want it.” I said walking past him.
Before I could make it to the front door, he grabbed my arm.
“Simone…listen everything’s been crazy with my parents. With me. I ain’t—” He didn’t finish and I turned to look at him.
We stared at each other, breathing hard, our eyes speaking more than our words. I saw so much pain and sadness in his eyes.
“I’m doing what I think is best. I’m doing us both a favor.” He said just above a whisper.
“I don’t know what to say…”
“I know.” He pulled me into a much-needed hug resting his chin on top of my head.
“I just need to figure my stuff out. You deserve better than what I can give you right now. It doesn’t change how I feel about you. I knew I had a lot going on before, but I thought I could handle it and pursue a relationship with you too but I – I can’t. Not like this. I’m sorry.”
I squeezed my eyes shut for a moment in hopes to keep my tears at bay. Finally, I stepped back.
“I’m sorry too. I hope Union Heights is everything you’re looking for.”
Regret flickered in his eyes, but his pride wouldn’t let him take anything back.
Mine wouldn’t either. I didn’t look at him again as I walked out of the apartment.
I didn’t cry until I was in the car. And even then, I wasn’t sure if I was crying because I lost him or because he didn’t even try to stop me.