18 | Simone
It was my last night at the cabin and although I had the most amazing time, I was honestly ready to get back home.
Thinking about GiGi I decided to take my phone off DND once again and send her a text.
I was shocked to see a notification saying her location as of thirty-two minutes ago was now at Clearview Hospital.
I called her immediately.
“Hello. GiGi why are you at the Hospital?”
“Hey, um…I had to bring her here because her blood pressure was really high and her vision was blurry.”
I pulled the phone away from my ear for a second to check the screen, trying to make sure I dialed GiGi and not who I was speaking to.
“Samaj? You’re with my grandmother? Why? What’s going on? Why didn’t you call me?”
I don’t know if it was anxiety, fear, frustration or a mixture of all three, but I was throwing out questions as fast as I needed answers.
“Take a deep breath. I stopped by your house on the way to the airport and I could tell she wasn’t doing too well, so I made her come to the hospital to get checked out. They’re doing some tests right now, but she’ll be fine. I don’t need you worrying or stressing yourself out.”
“I need to be with her. I can be there in a couple of hours.”
Simone, you don’t need to come. I’m staying with her. It’s fine. I can keep you updated or even call Emaree to come if that makes you feel more comfortable.”
“My things were already packed. I was planning to leave early in the morning, but leaving now is the only thing that will make me feel better.”
He sighed reluctantly, giving in. “Okay,” he said.
By the time I made it to the hospital it was a little after 8 p.m. Thankfully Clearview had 24/7 visitation for extended family and friends. Every worst-case scenario imaginable had played through my head.
What if GiGi had a stroke?
What if she had ignored symptoms for days?What if I hadn’t decided to check on her and see her location?
What if Samaj hadn’t stopped by?
The thought alone made my stomachache.
After checking in at the front desk, I followed the directions the nurse gave me until I found her room. GiGi was asleep. The sight immediately eased some of the worry I had.
Sitting in the chair beside her was Samaj. His head tilted back against the wall. His arms folded across his chest and his legs spread out. I thought he might be asleep too, but then he noticed me and immediately stood.For a second neither of us moved.
It had been months since we’d seen each other. Months since I’d looked into those brown eyes. My heart reacted before my brain did. Judging by the way his expression softened…His did too.
He cleared his throat. “Hey.”
“Hey.” I glanced at my grandmother. “How’s she doing?”
“She’s good. Her blood pressure finally started to come down. They’re adjusting her medication which should help going forward. They just wanted to keep her overnight to monitor her.”
I exhaled. “Thank God.”
“Come on,” he said. “Let’s talk outside so we don’t wake her up.”
I nodded.
A few minutes later we were sitting in an empty waiting area.
“You missed your flight.”
His eyes lifted to mine.
“I did.”
“You stayed with her, when you didn’t have to.”
He shrugged.
“It’s no big deal.”
Emotion instantly rose in my chest. Because he said it was no big deal but we both know how far from the truth that was. Not everyone would’ve done it.
“You hate hospitals.” I reminded him, even though I’m sure he never forgot.
I looked around the hospital waiting room. Then back at him but his eyes dropped to the floor.
“Thank you.” I said.
His eyes met mine again.
“You don’t have to thank me.”
“I do, though.”
My voice cracked. And his expression changed too. Like hearing the emotion in my voice affected him more than he wanted it to.
“You really shouldn’t have driven.”
“You might be right. I’m so tired now.”
“You’re stubborn.”
“Takes one to know one.” That earned a quiet laugh.
His smile faded slowly.
“I missed you.”
The confession came out so softly I’m not sure I would’ve heard it, if we weren’t standing too close to each other. My heart started beating twice as hard.
“I missed you too.”
His shoulders relaxed slightly. Like hearing me say it back mattered.
The feelings were still there. That much was obvious, but so were the wounds.
The foundation we had started to build was shaky ground.
Healing still needed to take place on both our ends.
So as much as I wanted him to grab my hand, pull me up into a hug, and kiss me.
I chose to put more distance between us, stood up and got ready to leave the waiting area.
“Thank you again.” I said one more time before heading back to GiGi’s room.
Five days alone in the woods had stretched me in ways I didn’t expect.
I was more in tune with myself and God. But the second I walked into GiGi’s house with her later that morning and saw the basket sitting on the kitchen table wrapped neatly in a soft cream bow, a little note tucked under the ribbon my heart did that stupid squeeze thing again.
My pulse skipped. Inside the basket were all the things that felt like me, things that I’d mentioned in the past that he paid attention to. Things that said he knew me, and he still cared.
Proud of you. Always praying for you.
Keep taking care of yourself and your heart.
—Samaj
Samaj was literally one of the most supportive and thoughtful people I knew. Anything I wanted to do he was quick to support me and going on this self-love journey was no exception.
I loved the gift. I loved the thought behind it. But I didn’t love what it did to me. The feeling of wanting someone I knew I couldn’t have right now. Someone who’d already told me we needed space. Someone who chose distance when things got messy.
It’s like no matter how hard I tried to move on, reminders of him would try to pull me back. I needed a distraction and thankfully, Destiny texted me that evening—“Girl, I’m off work early, you wanna grab dinner?”—I said yes and had an outfit picked out in two seconds.
Destiny was a few years older than me, twenty-six, and engaged to a guy named Marcus I’d met twice. She had that soft wisdom older women always seemed to carry, but she wasn’t preachy or judgmental which I loved.
We met at this cozy little soul food spot, and halfway through my plate of baked chicken, mac ‘n’ cheese, and yams, she gave me that look. The look a woman gives when they know another woman’s heart is going through it.
“All right,” she said, sipping her iced tea. “Tell me what’s going on.”
I didn’t sugarcoat anything. I told her about the trip. The feelings. The guilt. The good parts. The bad parts. And then finally I told her about Samaj coming into town and leaving the basket for me.
She listened without interrupting. The corners of her mouth turning up just slightly. “I think he’s trying to show you that he still cares for you.” She said,
“Don’t get me wrong I care about him too, but I don’t know if I should entertain the thought of getting back together.”
“You don’t have to have it all figured out. But it’s important to know you’re not enemies. You’re just two young adults who both have things they need to work on. How you navigate this season of your life matters regardless if you get back together or not. But you know what matters more?”
I looked up.
“How you wait.”
I frowned. “Wait? Destiny, I don’t even know if there’s anything to wait for.”
She set her fork down, her engagement ring catching the warm restaurant light.
“When I was going through my mess with Marcus, a woman from my church who’s like a spiritual mother told me something I never forgot: ‘If it’s from God, you won’t have to force it. If it’s not from God, you won’t be able to keep it.” I swallowed hard.
“And I think,” she continued, “you’re in that in-between where God is either preparing to restore something… or preparing to replace it with something better.” That hit me deep.
Destiny was dropping a lot of wisdom, and I couldn’t be more grateful.
I valued my relationship with Emaree because she’d keep it real with me too, but her advice wasn’t always necessarily Godly advice.
I don’t think it’s by chance that God brought Destiny into my life at the time He did.
God knew I needed this type of friendship at this point in my life.
One that would challenge me and help me to lean on God more than I leaned on my own understanding.
“So, what am I supposed to do in the meantime?” I asked. Destiny smiled like she’d been waiting for that question.
“You wait well. Not anxiously. Not obsessively. Not running after him, but also not running from him. You keep living your life to the fullest. Keep growing and learning yourself. And of course, stay close to God. Allow Him to work in your heart so that no matter what, you’re ready for what comes next. ”
I let her words sit on me, heavy in the best way. I wasn’t ready to let Samaj go, not completely. But I also knew I couldn’t hold on too tightly to something God might be trying to take out of my hands.
“You don’t have to be ashamed of having feelings. You’re human after all,” she added softly. “You just have to trust God more than your feelings.”
“Girl, not you preaching a whole word. Where’s the collection plate? I got a few dollars.” We both shared a laugh.
“I’m glad I could help.”
I leaned back in my chair, the weight of everything finally settled into something that felt like clarity. A small breakthrough that stirred up my hope and faith in God and what He has in store for me.