21 | Samaj
I knew something was off the minute I got off work. I could just feel it... so when I saw a text from Kadeem saying: Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
And another message from Jaiden with a screenshot and the side-eye emoji, my stomach dropped.
Vanessa had posted me on IG.
Logging into my account I headed straight to her profile and there I was—standing at the mini golf course, head turned, laughing at something corny she said. I didn’t even know she had taken the picture. And the caption?
“When he upgrades, he upgrades for real. To the one who couldn’t keep him… thanks, girl.”
With a winky face emoji. Aimed straight at Simone.
A girl she didn’t know and a situation she knew absolutely nothing about because I wasn’t a messy kind of guy who spoke about his ex-girlfriend with the new girl that wanted to stake her claim.
My jaw locked so tight my teeth hurt. All I could think was I gave her a heads up. I was honest. I told her where my intentions were not. And she still went and did some messy, attention seeking nonsense like this.
I called her immediately. She answered too cheerfully, like she hadn’t just lit a match and walked away.
“Hey, stranger—”
“Vanessa, take the post down.” I said getting straight to the point.
She got quite quick. “Wait…why? What’s wrong?”
“You know exactly what’s wrong. That caption was a shot at someone you don’t know. Someone I care about. And I told you from the jump where my head was.”
“Are you serious right now? I didn’t mean anything by it Samaj.”
“You did,” I cut in. “And what you did wasn’t cool. At. All. You crossed a boundary we talked about.”
She started apologizing, getting flustered, saying she thought we were “heading somewhere,” even though we’d hung out twice since meeting. Twice. That’s it. But apology or not, my mind was made up.
“I’m not mad,” I told her. “But this isn’t gonna work so I’m going to dead this whole thing right now.” I ended the call before she could respond.
I wasn’t even sure if Simone had seen it until I scrolled through the comments and there it was—Emaree, being her usual spicy self, commenting something slick that made me exhale through my nose.
If Emaree saw it? Simone definitely knew.
That was enough for me. I texted Vanessa one more time: Delete it. Please.
Five minutes later, it was gone. She apologized again, and honestly? It made me feel a little bad. She wasn’t a terrible person, just not for me. And definitely not for the version of me that I needed to become.
After that, I threw myself back into work.
Stayed late, buried myself in this project I’d been dragging my feet on.
But even focused, my mind wouldn’t stop spinning.
Not just about Simone, but everything. My life.
My family. My past. All the stuff I kept shoving down like that would magically heal it.
That’s when Jaiden sent me a link. No context. Just a YouTube sermon titled something about trauma, generational curses, and inner healing.
Normally I would’ve ignored it, but something in me told me to just check it out, so I listened while I worked, and the pastor said something that hit me right in the chest:
“You can’t outrun what you haven’t faced. God can’t heal what you keep pretending doesn’t hurt.”
I don’t know why, but when I got home that night, I opened my Bible app. Something I haven’t done in months. One verse led to another and next thing you know forty-five minutes had passed. Not just reading the bible, but dissecting the word and allowing it to take root in my heart.
I found myself bouncing between different translations and asking questions as I read in order to get a better understanding and surprisingly, I enjoyed myself and when I went to sleep that night, I felt lighter than I’ve had in a long time.
The following week, me and Jaiden were stretching before the warm-up run, both of us pretending we weren’t low-key sore from the last session. He nudged me with his elbow.
“Aye, did you watch the video I sent you last week?” he asked.
“Yeah, I meant to say thank you.” I said quietly. “It was on point. Not gonna lie, it messed me up a little too.”
He nodded like he already knew.
“It be like that sometimes. One thing I learned about God is that He’ll meet you right where you are and speak the word that you need to hear.”
Instead of running right away after our stretch we found ourselves sitting on the curb. I don’t even know how it happened, but I started talking and opening up a little about the things I had been dealing with. I didn’t paint the full picture, but offered up enough to let Jaiden into my world.
I shared the loss of my brother, how things with both of my parents were in a weird space and then the breakup with Simone and I.
The feelings I still had but didn’t know what to do with because I didn’t feel like I deserved to be with someone like her.
I was so scared to lose something else that was good in my life that I ended things to avoid what I thought would be inevitable.
Jaiden shared some things as well. Things from his childhood, stuff I’d never know just from looking at him.
Then he looked at me and said: “Bro, you could be dealing with depression.” I let out a short laugh. “Nah, I’m fine. I get up, I work, I handle my responsibilities.”
“I hear you and that’s cool and all,” he said. “But high-functioning depression doesn’t look like lying in bed all day. It looks like… you. Showing up but feeling empty. Laughing but feeling numb. Surviving instead of living.”
Something in me froze. Because he wasn’t wrong. He clapped my shoulder. “There’s nothing weak about getting help. Bro therapy changed my life. It can help you too.”
I didn’t commit to anything right then because I had my doubts around therapy.
It could be fear, my pride, or a combination of both.
I had never met anyone who went to therapy, but Jaiden and I seemed to have a lot in common so if he said it helped him then maybe, just maybe it was at least worth looking into.
Soon as we got ready for our run Vanessa and her home girl pulled up.
“Hey.” She spoke first.
“Hey.” I responded, keeping it short. I moved around her putting my headphones on. I was going to be cordial, for the sake of keeping the peace but I wasn’t really in the mood to deal with her.
The run was three miles, and it was always exactly what my body and my brain needed.
“Aye, you sliding with us to grab something to eat?” Jaiden asked.
“Not tonight. I’ll catch up with you another time.”
“Bet.” We dapped up and went our separate ways.
As I was heading to my car I heard someone behind me. “Hold up.” I turned to see Vanessa jogging lightly towards me. I sucked my teeth and kept walking but that didn’t deter her. She caught up to me. “Can we talk?”
“We’re talking, what’s up?”
“Can we go somewhere and talk in private?”
I blew out a breath.
“Please?”
Reluctantly I gave in. She followed me to my car where we both sat inside with the AC on and the music playing low in the background.
“Ok, talk.”
“Are you still upset? I deleted the picture and I apologized. Why can’t we just move forward?”
“I’m not upset Vanessa. I’m just cool on you. You showed me that we can’t just catch a vibe, you want more than I can give you.”
“I like hanging out with you. We can keep it casual. I just... I like you and I understand you still have feelings for your ex and I’m not trying to take her place or anything I just think we could have something too.”
“Something like what?” I huffed, not making any effort to hide the edge in my voice.
She shrugged. “I don’t know. Do you want to come back to my place?”
I looked at her knowing exactly what she was hinting at, but I played stupid.
“Go to your place and do what?”
“Whatever you want to do.” Vanessa gave me those eyes full of lust and as beautiful as she was and as much of a heterosexual man that I was, I wasn’t trying to sleep with her.
“You would let me come over and sleep with you tonight?” I was genuinely curious to hear her response.
“You didn’t have to say it like that. Why can’t it just be two grown people having a good time?” She said as if she were inviting me over to play video games.
I was utterly dumbfounded. “I can’t even do this with you right now.” I said, shaking my head.
“What? What’s wrong?” she asked, sitting back in her seat looking at me shocked and confused that I’d turned down her advances.
I was getting irritated by the second. “Why do you think so little of yourself?” I asked.
“I don’t think little of myself.”
“You sure about that? Because you were just about to let me have sex with you knowing I have no intention to be with you. Knowing that I would never give you my heart or commitment. That doesn't sound like someone who thinks little of themselves?” I don’t even know where that came from, but I knew she needed to hear it.
She sat there in silence, so I continued speaking.
“Listen, I’m messed up right now and I know I’m messed up.
That's why I left the woman who I really care about alone. But you’re messed up too because you don’t value yourself.
Somewhere somehow you started to believe that giving someone your body is not a big deal and that’s wild.
You can lie to yourself all day, but I’ll tell you this—if no one has ever told you.
You’re worthy. You’re worthy to have someone honor you and give you more than the bare minimum.
You deserve to have real love. I’m sorry for the part I played in all of this, but like I told you before I’m cutting this off.
Just so we’re clear we can’t hang out, link up, or talk on the phone anymore.
Have a good night, Vanessa and take care of yourself. Seriously.”
It looked like she was on the brink of tears and making a woman cry was the last thing I ever wanted to do, but I didn’t regret anything I said.
“I didn’t come here for a lecture.” She said opening the car door and slamming it shut. I shook my head, turned up my music, and headed home.