Chapter 10
Chapter Ten
Ezra
“Uh huh,” I said as I flipped the steaks on the grill.
Dov jostled my shoulder good-naturedly. “I asked you a question.”
Jerking my eyes off the steaks, I looked at my son. “Sorry, I must’ve spaced out.”
“You’ve been weird all day,” Naomi informed me from her perch on the low stone wall that flanked half my backyard and ran behind the grill. “Like your mind’s a galaxy away.”
“A galaxy far, far away,” Dov agreed.
Now my kids were my best friends, and I wasn’t ashamed of it since they still respected my role as their parent most of the time. But what was on my mind—what had been on my mind in the couple of weeks since Skylar and I had gone camping—was very different from the usual things they pulled out of me when they could tell something was bothering me.
Using the tongs to put the steaks on a plate, I considered what was on my mind.
“Time to eat,” I said, because that part was easy.
We sat down at the patio table and while I dished out the sides they’d made, Naomi demanded impatiently, “Okay, now will you tell us what’s up with you?”
“I’ve been thinking about some things since I went camping with a new friend.”
“You mean Skylar?” Dov asked as he cut up his medium rare steak.
“You talk about him, like, a ton since you met,” Naomi added. “You talk about ten people regularly—including Dov and me and your employees—so we paid attention.”
I felt heat creep up the back of my neck as I mumbled, “Oh.”
Dov and Naomi exchanged looks in their silent sibling language, and then Dov put down the fork with his bite on it and asked seriously, “Do you like Skylar?”
“No, I hate all my friends,” I said with dry sarcasm, my heart tripping a little.
“Ooh, you definitely like him,” Naomi said, clasping her hands together under her chin and giving me giant eyes that practically had hearts jumping out of them. “That’s so cool!”
I gulped down some lemonade, trying to buy time to decide how to answer.
Something pricked my arm and I startled, looking down to see Dov stabbing me lightly with his fork. “Why are you being weird about it? We know you’re not still hung up on Mom,” he told me. “And you know we don’t want you two to get back together anyway.”
“Ick, never, you’re both so much better apart,” Naomi said.
Rubbing one hand over my beard, I said, “Well, Skylar is a man.”
They both slow-blinked at me with matching blank expressions.
“I’ve never…”
Naomi nodded sagely and patted my head condescendingly. “It’s okay, Dad. From the way you describe Skylar, he won’t mind that you never dated a man before.”
“That’s not…”
“Vinnie said he’s really nice and talks a lot,” she went on. “We asked when we were at the clinic yesterday and she said he called to ask tortoise care questions.”
Finally I said, “What’s bothering me is that I’ve never been interested in a man before.”
“ Bothering you?” Naomi gasped.
“Confusing me,” I corrected, feeling guilty even though I knew I hadn’t used a negative word intentionally. “I’m not upset. I’m just forty, I don’t surprise myself anymore.”
Dov laughed with more pity than humor. “That’s the most depressing thing you’ve ever said,” he informed me. “It’s not like you surprised yourself with a second penis !”
Naomi pretended to throw up.
I shot Dov a warning look, but it was hard to keep my expression stern, and I wound up grinning at him. “You’re right, this isn’t a bad surprise, and change can be good.”
“Being interested in someone is exciting,” Naomi encouraged me.
I knew they thought I’d pretty much only dated their mom. But between them and my work schedule, and not being very good at talking on dates or the phone, I’d never had too much luck or clicked with anyone. Or I’d never met someone who could draw me out.
Until Skylar.
Sitting outside with my kids eating steak and potatoes, I let that sink in.
I’d said more to Skylar during the weekend camping than I’d said to anyone but Dov and Naomi in years, probably. There was always pressure to say more, to share more, to ask more, and it had never come easily to me. But Skylar had a way about him, where his curiosity was rampant about so many things, but he didn’t badger me or get upset when I gave a short answer. He never made me feel guilty or like I wasn’t measuring up.
And that… that was more valuable—and more attractive—than anything in a long time.
Which still left me utterly confused about what to do next.
“You still look weird,” Naomi said.
“Is it the guy thing?” Dov asked. “Because you know that sexuality is a spectrum and it’s fluid, right? You can legit only be into women until you’re forty and then meet a guy who you vibe with and it’s all good. Maybe you don’t vibe with people more than a few times in your whole life or you’re not really into sex or whatever, and that’s all good too.”
That made me scowl at him and cross my arms defensively. “I know.”
“Well, sometimes it’s nice to hear it,” Naomi said, her sweet little face stubborn.
“You can know something but not think about it if it’s never directly been important to you ,” Dov continued, making me wonder when he’d gotten this mature, or if he’d been thinking about this himself and hadn’t shared it with me yet. “I think you should go for it.”
I smiled a little. “You do, huh?”
“Mom says liking someone feels like rainbows inside her heart,” Naomi said. She sounded doubtful about that, maybe because she hadn’t had any crushes yet, or maybe because her mom was more fanciful than the three of us when she described real shit.
“Skylar does make me feel comfortable,” I had to admit.
Naomi’s face fell and she said, “You should always feel comfy.”
“Thanks, pumpkin,” I told her, smoothing her baby-soft hair back and then pinching the tip of her nose gently. “You know I always feel comfy with you two.”
“Since you feel so comfy,” Dov said, a sly light coming into his eyes, “can we go inside and eat ice cream bars and watch something gross Mom would never let us see?”
I leaned back in my chair and pretended to think really hard about that.
“We promise we won’t have nightmares,” Naomi said.
“Okay, but I get to have Rocky on my lap,” I answered, “and we can watch something gross as long as it’s not scary, because I can’t handle that jump scare shit.”
“Deal!” they cried, racing to gather up the dishes and take them to the sink.
Rocky came out from under the table where he’d been gnawing on a rope toy and bumped my leg, looking up at me with his canine smile, tongue hanging out.
“Yeah, I do feel better,” I told him.
He gave a happy bark and circled me, then nudged the backs of my knees to get me moving inside, where I spent a couple hours half-watching an action movie. As the guns blasted away on the TV, I wondered what Skylar was doing and if he might be interested in me too. Just because I was attracted to him and liked him, it didn’t mean he felt the same.