Chapter 32
Chapter Thirty-Two
AIDAN
“So this thing with Morgan,” Liam says, nodding his chin toward the edge of the water where she and Jack are searching for sea glass among small rocks and shell fragments left behind when the tide receded.
She’s wearing the same yellow bikini she wore in Bermuda—which makes me damn glad I didn’t steal it as a keepsake—and my unzipped hoodie over it. “It’s serious?”
I cough out a laugh. “No. I don’t do relationships, you know that.”
He turns and gives me the exact same look his dad used to give us whenever we tried to lie to him about where we’d been or what we’d been up to.
Liam’s so much like his father, and there’s no better man to be like.
I’m hit with a painful wave of nostalgia for our childhood, back when things were easier .
. . before I’d lost my mom, and he’d lost his dad and wife.
I’m pretty sure the only reason Liam is holding it together is because he needs to be there for Jack.
“Right. You always bring girls back to Ember Cove and introduce them to your best friend when it’s not a relationship.” His sarcastic tone matches the side-eye he gives me.
I think about the fact that the only other woman I’ve brought here is Hayley, when we stayed at my house for my mom’s funeral.
I never planned to bring another woman here, but I’m breaking all my own rules—rules that were carefully crafted to avoid the pain, heartbreak, and devastation I’ve experienced all my life, losing almost everyone I’ve loved—for Morgan.
“To be fair . . .” I cross my arms over my chest and glance at Morgan. The sight of her in my clothes is quickly becoming a fetish. “. . . I had no intention of introducing you until Finn saw us and told me I better get my ass over to see you.”
“Still, a whole weekend away with a woman, in your childhood home, means something.”
“Yeah, it means I’m getting laid.”
I feel guilty once the words leave my mouth, as if that’s all this is between us, and clearly Liam sees right through me because he just chuckles.
“Dude, be fucking for real right now. You have feelings for her. You might not even realize it yet, because you haven’t had an actual relationship since Hayley—”
“And I won’t, again. It’s just not worth it.
” My throat tightens at the memories of my ex and the grief I sank into when our relationship ended.
If it hadn’t been for hockey and a particularly astute coach, I would have lost my first NHL contract.
I swore off relationships after that, focusing on nothing but hockey.
It’s worked well for me . . . until now.
I fought so hard to return to my team this year—the surgeries, the grueling and painful recovery, the training—I can’t risk getting distracted, especially given how much I want my contract to be renewed. Somehow, though, Morgan doesn’t feel like a distraction.
Liam looks over at Jack, knee deep in the water, trying to kick the waves onto Morgan, who’s playing along by jumping back with a yelp every time.
“Yeah it is, man. It’s worth all the pain.”
I press my lips together, wanting to tell him he can speak for himself, because I’ve lost enough people in my life and don’t want to risk hurting like that again.
But the way he’s looking at Jack, the way he’s still living and loving even after losing two of the people he loved most in the world, makes me wonder—for the first time in forever—if that could be me some day.
“Besides, you and Hayley were young and dumb. Just because that ended badly doesn’t mean you and Morgan would make the same mistakes. Don’t miss out on actual happiness,” he says, giving me a quick glance, “just because you’re scared.”
“I’m not scared.”
Liam gives me a nod. “Sure you’re not.”
As I look back toward Morgan, I realize that I may actually be telling the truth.
Because I’m not scared, I’m fucking terrified.
Terrified that I’m already starting to develop feelings for her when I know I can’t have her, and terrified that eventually I’ll have to watch her be happy with someone else.
I should run, as fast and as far as I can, before this gets any more serious in my mind.
But I already know that I can’t do that. If there’s anything these last twenty-four hours have shown me, it’s that I like my life a whole lot better when she’s in it. Even if it can’t be forever, I’ll take whatever we can have together for now.
“Iwould never have thought to have pizza delivered to the beach,” Morgan says as we sit on the blanket with the fire crackling in front of us and the waves crashing beyond. I built us a makeshift fire pit in the sand, just like the kind Liam and I made when we were teenagers.
“It’s quite the hack when it’s been a perfect beach day and you’re not feeling ready to leave the ocean.”
She relaxes against my chest as she takes another bite of her pizza.
Sitting between my legs, she’s basically using my body as a chair, and there’s nowhere I’d rather be right now.
Sitting here talking about my childhood and what it was like spending the summers down here as a kid, then moving here permanently after my dad died, and having Max move down here once he and my mom got married, has been therapeutic.
I never talk about my past with anyone but Liam or Max, but Morgan makes me want to open up about everything.
Sharing the good memories I have of my dad before his addiction changed his personality and made him into someone I didn’t know was freeing, like I finally let go of a heaviness I wasn’t aware I was carrying.
“So do you use the place here as a summer house, like your mom did when you were a kid and your family still lived in Boston?”
“Yeah. When she left the house to me, I think she hoped I’d raise my own family here.”
“Do you think you will?”
I take a deep breath. “I don’t think I’ll get married or have kids.”
“Oh yeah? How come?” Her curiosity is a nice change. Usually that statement sparks a response more along the lines of “You’ll change your mind one day,” or “You just haven’t met the right person yet.”
“Honestly?” I ask as her head sinks back into the crevice between my chest and shoulder.
“I watched how losing my dad, first to his addiction and then to death, almost wrecked my mom. I watched how losing my mom almost destroyed Max, and I’ve watched him chase those memories ever since.
I watched what losing Kelsey did to Liam.
And . . . I just don’t think I’m cut out for that. ”
“Cut out for losing people you love?”
I swallow down the lump in my throat. “Yeah.”
“But two people you loved very much both died, and you’re still here, living. You’ll be here, whether you let love into your life, or not . . . you just won’t get to experience that kind of happiness.”
“I thought I was in love, once.” The admission is so quiet I’m almost surprised she hears it over the sound of the waves.
“Yeah? What happened?”
“She left me. I got called up to the NHL and we were supposed to move together, but she ended things rather than coming with me.” I still can’t bring myself to speak her name or talk about her reasons for not moving with me.
“I’m sorry that happened,” she says, turning on her side and nuzzling her face into my chest. “You know, lots of people have relationships that end badly, especially in their twenties. It doesn’t mean you can’t try again.”
“That one wrecked me,” I say, holding her close and thinking about the darkness that overtook me after I moved into a new apartment, in a new city, by myself.
How truly alone I was. How I almost succumbed to that darkness.
How I almost lost my career because of it.
“The only thing that saved me then was hockey, just like it did when I lost my mom. But the thing is, my hockey days are numbered.”
“Why’s that?”
“I’m thirty-three. They don’t let you keep doing this forever just because you love it. Eventually, there are younger and better players who rise up to take your place. It’s the nature of professional sports.”
“And you . . . think you’re past your prime?”
“Not yet. But last year was a wake-up call. It made me realize that I don’t know who I am without hockey.” I don’t know what possesses me to admit this, but there’s something about her, something about the way she listens, that makes me feel like I can say the quiet parts out loud.
Her arm slips around my waist as she gives me a squeeze and says, “Maybe the problem is that you’re giving one-hundred-percent of yourself to hockey, so there’s nothing left for other aspects of your life? And like you said, hockey’s not forever.”
“I promised my coach, my GM, and my agent that I’d focus on nothing but hockey this year. No distractions.” I sound like a fucking broken record, but I need these reminders.
“Am I a distraction?” she asks.
Only if you count being on my mind every second I’m not on the ice. “You easily could be, if I let that happen.”
“So tell me, would you be a better hockey player if you were sitting home by yourself right now?”
Her and her fucking logic.
“If I wasn’t here with you, I probably would have gone to the gym this morning and tomorrow morning too, getting my body ready for the season.
” Of course, given how many calories sex burns, I can probably count all the times I’ve fucked her this weekend as at least as much exercise as I’d have gotten otherwise.
“You did go for a run this morning after breakfast. And you were already coming down here without me, weren’t you?”
My chest shakes with the low rumble of laughter that escapes. “Not exactly.”
“What?” she practically shrieks, turning her head to look up at me. “You said you were coming down here and I should come with you since my AC was broken.”
“You said you wouldn’t stay at my place in Boston, so I came up with an alternative plan that you seemed more likely to agree to.” I give her a sheepish smile.