Chapter 21
TYLER
I’m thankful for all the things that Denny has helped me with concerning Sally. I can’t even imagine how I’d still be struggling right now if he hadn’t been such a good guy. Granted, I showed up when he was dead on his feet. If he had been completely conscious, would he have let me in?
My sister wasn’t wealthy by any means, but she had a really good job that paid her well. It allowed her some savings and the ability to set up private retirement funds, though they’re still pretty small. Sally was only twenty-three, after all. They haven’t had time to grow.
Denny helped me begin the process for moving all of Sally’s assets—now in my name—into a trust for Ty.
It’s not final, and it certainly won’t grow enough in eighteen years that it’ll afford him never having to work or anything, but it gives him something from his mother.
She’s still providing for him in some ways.
It hurts my heart that Denny didn’t love her as he should have. Like she deserved. But then again, he has a level head when dealing with all the things that make me break down, and I’m thankful for that. Even if I wish my sister had died being loved by someone instead of in a fake engagement.
It might as well have been fake. Neither of them was committed to it. Neither of them wanted it.
Denny’s arm wraps around my waist, and he pulls me into his side.
We’re standing outside Sally’s house. My house.
We’re here to get the furniture from Ty’s nursery.
He hasn’t quite outgrown the cradle and side-sleeper bassinet, but he’s getting close.
He’s long. And he’s gaining weight like a champ.
“Okay?” Denny asks.
“Not even a little bit,” I confess. “Come on.”
He has Ty in the car seat as we head up the stairs to the front door. I let us in, and we stomp off all the excess snow before kicking out of our boots. It’s warm. That means the heat is on. I wince.
“I haven’t paid any bills,” I say, frowning.
“I have.” I meet Denny’s eyes, and he presses a kiss to my lips. “No big deal.”
“It kind of is.”
“It’s not. Look.” He takes my chin between his fingers and guides my gaze to his.
“We’re going to keep this house for Ty, right?
” I nod. “Then we need to keep the heat on so pipes don’t freeze.
We’re going to deck this thing out with cameras and security so it doesn’t attract squatters and vandals.
I’m going to get someone in here to clean at least monthly, and we’ll make sure it’s maintained and in working order.
If we’re giving the house to Ty, we don’t want it to be falling down and more of a headache than an asset, right? ”
I try not to let tears sting my eyes as I nod. My words are too choked to come out, so I don’t bother.
“So, today, we’re going to do two things.
One, I’m going to clean out the kitchen.
Trash everything in the fridge and freezer unless it can be salvaged.
We’re going to take all the perishable items out of the kitchen.
I’m going to unplug everything so there’s no chance of an electrical fire.
Two, you’re going to pack up the rest of Ty’s belongings. ”
See? His level voice and matter-of-fact plan are helpful to steady me. “Okay.”
“Good. Take Ty into his nursery. He doesn’t need to smell what’s locked inside the fridge.”
I scrunch my nose. “Should have brought you a gas mask.”
“Might have to deal with the cold for a bit if I need to open the window,” Denny says. He leans down to kiss me again.
Sometimes, I forget that he’s taller than me. He’s not super tall, but a few inches can make a difference. “Thank you,” I say.
“While saying ‘we’ll get through this’ sounds heartless, we will get to a point where the first thought when we talk about Sally isn’t that she’s gone. It’s the memories she left you.”
Tears sting my eyes at that. I can only nod, or I’m going to bawl. Denny hands me Ty’s carrier, and I walk down the hall, sniffing my feelings back.
Most of what’s left in Ty’s room are clothes he hasn’t grown into yet, toys, gear he’s too young for, and furniture. Most of which is already in totes since Sally had them stored for later. They’re even fully marked.
I set Ty’s carrier to the side and begin dragging everything out of the closet.
Yesterday, after morning practice, we spent the afternoon bringing all of Denny’s hockey memorabilia to one of the bedrooms upstairs. Then we rearranged the pieces of furniture—bed, nightstand, and dresser—to the far end of the room.
We decided that we’d keep those pieces for Ty as he gets older and for me for right now. Not that I’ve slept in there since… wow. A while.
The downstairs spare room is far larger than I thought it was. Once all the hockey stuff was out, the room seemed to expand all on its own. That’s why we’re here today. Time to bring Ty’s nursery to where Ty is.
As I’m pulling the mattress from the crib, I wonder if maybe I should bring the bedroom set Sally bought for me. Maybe Ty would like that as he gets older. Or should I leave it here for him when he’s ready to move out?
Ty sniffles, and I stop what I’m doing to crouch on the floor beside him.
“You okay?” I ask as if I’m expecting an answer.
Obviously, I don’t get one, but his eyes open.
“You think your mommy is here watching? Do you think she’s happy we’re taking your room, or is she upset that you didn’t get to live in the room she built for you? ”
I touch his hand, but since I’ve been moving furniture and storage totes, I’m careful not to touch him anywhere that he can inhale the dust or whatever might be on me.
“How’s it going in here?” Denny asks, and I look up at him with a smile.
“Okay. I think I’m uplifting dust and he’s getting a little sniffly.”
Denny joins me on the floor in front of Ty. He holds Ty’s foot in his hand, resting his head alongside mine. For several minutes, we stay there. It feels good to make this memory in Ty’s room.
“I think I misjudged the size of the furniture here,” Denny says after a minute, and I join him in looking around. “It’s not going to fit in either of our vehicles unless we break it all down, and that seems like a hassle.”
“Then what do we do?”
“Call in help. If there’s any advantage to having big hockey friends, it’s their muscles. Also, Kroy has a pickup, and it’s one of those massive ones that makes you think the size is making up for something small.” He winks at me.
I laugh. “Is it?”
“No,” he says, amused. Denny gets to his feet and digs his phone from his pocket. One side of the conversation makes it all very apparent. It also gives me a glimpse into their friendship. These are good people.
When the call ends, he spends a few minutes sending texts. I watch him, gently rocking Ty’s carrier. The constant smile on his face as he stares into his phone and answers an onslaught of texts makes me feel… happy. Also, a little sad because I don’t have those kinds of friends.
“Okay,” Denny says and joins me on the floor again. “My SOS has been answered. They’re all on their way. Big truck and big muscles.”
“Okay, cool. What else should we do here?”
“What else do you want to grab? Anything?”
“No.” I pause. “Actually, maybe there’s something that she noted passwords and stuff on. I still can’t get into her phone.”
“Want to go look?”
“I should.”
“Grab her electronics. Laptop or tablet or whatever.”
“Her laptop is a good idea. I have access to some of her phone that way. That’s how I tracked you down.”
“Then it’s a start.”
I push myself to my feet. Denny stops me by taking my hand. “So, one thing. Don’t mention the gang bangs to them. Okay?”
Confusion makes me frown. “But aren’t they who you have them with? Are they a taboo subject?”
He grins. “No. Nothing like that. It’s… complicated and not entirely my story to share, which makes it sound like we’re keeping secrets, and it’s not like that.”
“I won’t say anything.”
“It’s sensitive but not…”
“Denny.” I lean down to kiss him softly. “Okay. I trust you.”
He sighs; a soft smile makes my heart skip around. “Thank you.”
I wander around Sally’s house for a while. Gathering her electronics is easy. I find her work bag and stuff them inside. But I don’t find anything where she might have written down passwords. I don’t find a safe or anything that she might have kept something important.
I contemplate her jewelry box. It seems like inviting thieves to break in by leaving them here, but I kind of want them to stay. A time capsule. Treasures for Ty to discover. Pieces left behind for Ty to piece together who his mother was. How she lived. What was important to her.
Voices down the hall tell me that Denny’s friends are here. I stay in Sally’s room, moving about and looking at everything but not truly touching. It still feels intrusive being in her bedroom. Like I’m invading her personal space.
Yet, I can see us curled up on her bed, giggling or watching a movie with Ty between us. Would we have gotten a cat? A dog? We always talked about her kid growing up with pets so they’d learn to nurture and take care of another living thing. They’d learn compassion and responsibility.
“Why couldn’t you have left me something?” I whisper. “A notebook or diary or… just little sticky notes with random thoughts?”
I suppose when you don’t know you’re going to die, you don’t think to leave anything behind. Sally left here with the belief that she’d be back in a few days. She’d pick up her life like she never left it, only it’d be new. Better.
“I wish you were here. I wish you could see how Ty is growing and how Denny is growing into a really great father. He had reservations. Did you know that? Did you know he struggled with this?”
There are so many questions that I’ll never have answers to.
The idea that I should make her bed or pick up her slippers is always right there, but then again, I like the idea that she lived here. She lived in this room, and the haphazard items and unmade bed say as much.
One thing is clear. She didn’t leave anything here for me to find. Nothing that has answers to all the questions—a list that grows every single day.
When I turn toward the door, realizing how quiet the house has gotten, I find Denny there. He’s leaning against the doorframe and watching me.
“Sorry. I didn’t realize you were ready to go.”
Denny shakes his head. “They can get into my house so we can take the time we need here. We’re in no rush, Tyler. Take all the time you need.”
“I don’t think there’s anything here to find,” I admit. “I keep wishing there was. There’s just not. In a way, that’s good, right? It means she lived each day like she expected to be here the following. I can’t imagine living everyday thinking that I might die tomorrow.”
“I agree,” he says.
“I don’t know if I should make the bed and pick up the last things she has lying around—put her laundry away.” I gesture to the basket. “Or leave it just as it is. Like she’s going to come back.”
“I’m not going to push you in either direction,” Denny says.
“Yeah. I appreciate that.” I touch the corner of her bed for a minute and then turn toward the door. Denny doesn’t move from where he’s standing, so I walk straight into him, letting my face fall against his shoulder. His arms wrap around me. “Should we feed Ty before going?”
“Already did.”
“Sorry. I didn’t realize how long I’d been in here.”
“Don’t be sorry. You’re allowed to remember her and mourn at your own pace. We are not in a hurry.” His arms tighten. “I’m here if you want my company, or I can give you space.”
“Let’s go home,” I say. “I’m ready to go home for now.”
“Okay. Ren is going to put me in touch with someone to set up security here. Kroy is a spoiled, spoiled man, so he has a company that will keep the house clean and standing. This house will remain for you and Ty just as it is. You have all the time in the world to decide what you want to do, if anything at all.”
I nearly tell him I love him. It feels so natural on my lips that I need to bite my tongue. I’m not even sure the words are true. The overwhelming feeling of acceptance, support, and care from him has my brain short-circuiting.
“Thank you.”
For a few more minutes, we stay right there. Denny holds me and I breathe him in, letting his scent settle the grief inside me. Eventually, we head outside. Sally’s car isn’t there.
“Carson and Kroy drove together, so I asked Carson to drive your car back to my place.”
My shoulders relax. “I appreciate that.”
“I figured it was going to be a difficult trip for you, and I didn’t want you to drive alone. In hindsight, the practicality of two vehicles made sense. Emotionally, it didn’t.”
“It’s really difficult to accept that I’ll live every day without my sister. How do you prepare for that?” My lip trembles as I finish the question.
Denny gets Ty buckled in and then shuts the door. Once more, he pulls me into his arms. “I don’t have that answer.”
“I wish I could have just five minutes with her. There are important things I need to know, and I want to tell her how much I love her.”
That does it. The floodgates open, and I begin sobbing.
The cold doesn’t touch me right now. For just a minute, I let my grief overtake me.
I haven’t allowed myself to cry like this since leaving Sally’s house to find her baby.
Maybe I need it. Maybe I need to allow myself just a little more time to grieve.
It’s hard, though, because I don’t want to grieve. I want my sister to be here. There’s no easy answer. No easy healing. This feeling will never go away. The only option is to learn how to live with it every day.
I don’t know how to do that.