Chapter 15
Roxanne
“Whatever you’re doing with Donovan, it’s not working,” Trent says in aggravation before plopping down on the bench seat beside me.
“Well, hello to you, too, Trent,” I retort sarcastically while putting my salad away.
When Trent gets like this, there is no way I’ll be able to finish my meal in peace.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to hijack your lunch,” he says, though I don’t hear genuine regret in his voice as he looks at me packing up my meal.
“Yes, you did,” I reply with a sigh. “Do I even want to know how you found out where I spend my lunch hour?”
“Rex.”
That’s all he had to say.
After all, it was Rex who introduced me to this spot.
For years, we would brown bag our lunch and come to this park to eat just to stare at the Charles River. Sometimes, we would talk about our past and life experiences, but more times than not, we would just sit here in solitary silence. It was a peaceful tradition, one that has been recently broken since Rex has become far too busy with getting his affairs in order for his big move back to Dallas in a couple of weeks.
Still, I’m a little ticked off that he would divulge our sacred spot to Trent.
“Remind me to call Rex and tell him what a rotten friend he is for telling you where to find me.”
“Roxeanne, please, this is serious,” he grumbles in annoyance.
“So is my lunch break. You do know that for me to do my job well, I need the occasional hour to myself? That can’t happen if my boss decides to use that hour to breathe down my neck because he’s unhappy about one of his players.”
“Are you quite done?” Trent retorts, unfazed.
“That all depends? Am I billing you for this hour?” I smile sweetly.
“Fine.” He groans. “Bill me all you want. Now that you’re on my time, can we please talk about what a shitty job you’re doing with Donovan? He’s been more contemptuous than usual.”
“Excuse me?” I laugh. “Please don’t tell me that you’re honestly trying to pin Caleb’s insolence on me? You knew exactly who he was when you signed him on.”
“So it’s on me that I gave the kid a shot because his brother asked me to?” He scoffs.
“Yes, it is. Jack might have pulled some strings to give Caleb a chance at the big leagues, but you’re the one who decided to keep him on. And you know why you did that? Because he’s just as talented as his brother. So, as I see it, whatever Caleb did that got you this riled up is as much on you as it is on him.”
“Roxanne,” he lets out a frustrated exhale. “Please don’t give me shit. I need your help here.”
I decide to take pity on him when worry lines begin to crease his forehead.
“Very well. What has Caleb done now?”
“He fired Piper.”
“Ah, of course.” I smile, finally connecting the dots. “Now I get it. Caleb fired his agent—which many players do—but since she is the infamous Piper Lee and your girlfriend, you’ve taken offense to it.”
“I’ve taken more than offense to it. I’m livid.”
“I can tell. That nasty vein on your forehead looks ready to pop,” I tease.
“How can you be so nonchalant about this? I just told you he fired Piper.”
“Yes, I heard you the first time.”
“That’s it?” He retorts in astonishment. “That’s all you have to say to me? I thought you told me he’s been more receptive about taking therapy seriously.”
“And he has. In his own way,” I reply without giving him too much insight of our sessions.
“In his own way? What does that even mean? Because from where I’m sitting, it’s as if the kid is determined to alienate everyone who cares about him and burn every bridge he’s ever built. Pardon me for doubting the effectiveness of his therapy sessions, especially after witnessing his recent self-destructive behavior.”
“Take a breath, Trent. Caleb would not have fired Piper without good reason. I know his behavior might be a bit volatile at the moment, but something must have triggered him to act in such a way.”
When Trent grows silent, I know he’s not telling me the whole story.
“Trent? What did you do?” I ask, unbothered by the accusation in my tone.
“Me? Why do you assume the issue is with me?”
“Because there is a flicker of guilt in your black eyes that says you feel responsible for Piper having been laid off as Caleb’s agent. I’ll be the first to apologize if I’m wrong, but don’t think I am.”
“You always have had a keen eye,” he grumbles, uncomfortable with how well I know him. “I might have had something to do with it. Yes.”
“That’s what I thought. So what did you do?”
“My job, Roxanne. That’s what I did. My fucking job. The better question is, what are you going to do?”
“Me?” I place my hand on my chest. “How did your mistake suddenly revert to me?”
“Because you’re the one who was given the task to help Caleb. To stop him from self-imploding altogether.”
“But that’s just it. Caleb has yet to reach his limit of self-ruin,” I state plainly.
“Excuse me?” Trent questions in shock. “Are you seriously telling me I should expect much worse from him? Worse than firing Piper?”
“That’s exactly what I’m saying,” I reply patiently. “You see, you were right about your earlier assessment of Caleb. His survivor’s guilt is so strong that he doesn’t feel deserving of any type of joy in his life. Quite the contrary. He now expects, no… anticipates the opposite to occur. To him, life is unmerciful and unforgiving. So when something happens that proves his suspicions, he lashes out, happy to alienate everyone involved that triggered such confirmation.”
“I see,” Trent mumbles beside me, not one bit happy with my assessment.
“If the only reason you are up in arms is because Piper lost him as a client, then I can assure you it wasn’t personal. Right now, nothing really matters to Caleb. Not his friends, not his teammates, and, I’m sorry to say, not any shiny trophies you might flaunt in his face. In all honesty, Caleb doesn’t even care about himself. And as long as he feels this way, he’ll remain lost at sea, trapped in a sinking ship.”
“So that’s it? We’re just going to let the kid drown?” Trent challenges with an accusatory tone.
“He’s not a child, Trent. He’s a grown man who is equipped to make his own adult decisions, even if you do not agree with them. You, and everyone else in his life, need to give him room to make such mistakes. It’s the only way he’ll learn to pick himself up on his own.”
“I don’t think you’re fully grasping the precarious situation we’re all in. Jack and Caleb have always been a packaged deal. I’m not sure either one would survive without the other,” Trent continues to challenge, still unable to grasp what I’m trying to tell him.
He knows, as well as I do, that I shouldn’t be imparting such private information to him. He tried the same thing with Nathan when I first took him on as a client, and now he’s doing it again with Caleb.
However, in this situation, it seems to me that Trent’s concern for his player goes beyond just a professional obligation, transcending to more of a personal one. I didn’t see it before, but now I do. There’s a kinship there. Trent feels for Caleb and empathizes with his current predicament more as a friend than as his boss.
Perhaps that’s why I give him further insight into Caleb’s inner workings instead of keeping silent.
“Unfortunately, that’s what Caleb thinks, too. Somewhere along his life, he’s based his whole identity on being Jack’s rebellious younger brother. Take a minute to let that sink in, Trent,” I caution carefully. “Can you imagine being so codependent on someone that, without them, you no longer feel like you have the right to hold a place in this world?”
“Is that really how he feels,” Trent frowns at the realization.
“It is. There is so much you can’t possibly comprehend because you, yourself, have always been your own person. Caleb has not.” I sigh, disheartened, as I try to explain Caleb’s actual circumstances. Firing his sports agent is the least of his problems compared with the ones he has to live with on a daily basis. “Most men would resent living under their brother’s shadow. Caleb, however, has done the opposite,” I continue. “To him, Jack is the be-all and end-all of his very existence. That type of codependency does something to a person’s psyche. It corrupts their own vision of reality.”
“I think I’m starting to understand. I don’t like it, but I think I’m starting to grasp what you’re trying to tell me. And if that really is the case, then I fear Caleb is in a lot more trouble than I previously thought.” His face contorts in a frown.
“Unfortunately, that’s just the tip of the iceberg where Caleb’s issues are concerned,” I confess with a solemn tone. “With Jack no longer able to offer him any type of guidance, Caleb’s guilt has taken the reins and has become the largest motivating factor when it comes to his decision-making. He believes himself responsible for his brother getting hurt, and I shudder to think how he’ll react if Jack doesn’t survive.”
“If these past months are any indication, then I know exactly what will happen if Jack passes,” Trent mutters despondently. “Caleb will lose everything.”
I let out a sigh because I agree with him.
But where Trent sees it as a bad thing, I see it as an opportunity for Caleb to evolve into his own person, free of anyone’s influence but his own.
“If that’s what needs to happen, then we’ll just have to let it,” I explain somberly.
“Piper is not going to like this. He’s her friend. Even I have a soft spot for the kid,” he says, with his back slightly hunched, hands clasped together just above his knees, gazing pensively at the river before us. “That day at the hospital… after the car accident happened… you didn’t see what I saw. I watched a piece of him die that day when we gave him the news about his brother.”
“That may be true, but as you can see, Caleb’s not done breaking.”
We both stare at the river, Trent in his thoughts, I in mine.
“What if he doesn’t get through this? What if he sabotages everything he’s worked for?”
“Then it will be up to him to rebuild himself. If that is even what he wants to do.”
“Damn it, Roxanne. I thought therapy was supposed to help people when they were losing their shit,” he half-laughs, half-groans.
“It is,” I smile. “And though it doesn’t seem like much, I have been able to make some headway with Caleb these past few weeks. We have a good rapport going despite his early reluctance. But sometimes, people will only get better after hitting rock bottom. And I fear Caleb hasn’t reached his lowest point yet.”
“Well, that’s a scary thought,” Trent grumbles.
“For him, yes.”
“So what you’re saying is that this is a sink-or-swim situation we have in our hands—sans Jack as Caleb’s lifejacket?”
“Yes,” I nod. “But I’m holding out hope that Caleb won’t drown. I’m positive that he’ll see that there are no answers for him at the bottom of the river. Not the ones he seeks, at least, which will give him the strength to swim back up. Then, and only then, will he be in a position to truly start the healing process.”
“And that’s where you come in, I assume?”
“Me and the people who care for him,” I tell him truthfully. “He’s going to need a lot of grace, Trent. Can you give him that?”
“I’m not the problem, Roxanne. Piper and I will do everything we can for the kid, even if it’s giving him some space to fuck up even more. The real problem here is Preston. The man is on a mission to make his mark. If Caleb becomes too much of a liability, I have no doubt in my mind that Preston will cut him from the team.”
“Then I guess it’s a good thing that Caleb has you and Piper in his corner.”
“That’s a lot of faith to put in one man,” he jokes.
“You forget that I know you. We’ve been friends a long time, Trent. Long enough for me to know that you wouldn’t allow anyone to mess with your team, unless you weren’t on board with what they were doing.”
“You’re right. You do know me. All too well, it seems.” He smiles with that shark-like grin of his.
“Better than most.” I smile back.
“Okay, Roxanne. I’ll let you take the lead on this one,” he says before standing up. “But before I let you enjoy the rest of your lunch break, I just want to make sure that this plan of yours will work. That all we have to do is twiddle our thumbs for a bit longer and just wait it out until the kid comes back to us whole. That’s the gist of it, right?”
“It’s a little more complicated than that, but yes. If you must do something, then my advice would be just to get out of Caleb’s way.”
“Not sure how I’ll be able to spin that to Piper, but I’ll do my best.”
“Just tell her that all we have to do is wait for him to come to us.” I smile, hopefully. “And he will come to us. All he needs is time.”
“Great,” Trent mumbles. “I never did like waiting.”
“I would have imagined you’d be a pro at it by now. You did wait for Piper all those years before making a move, and look how well that turned out.” I smile.
“With no help from you, if I recall.” He furrows his brows at me.
“If memory serves me correctly, you’re the one who fired me, remember?” I laugh. “Besides, I had no problem with the falling in love part. It was your obsession with Piper that raised a million red flags in my mind.”
“Then you’ve never felt that bone-deep love that Piper and I have.”
I keep my warm smile intact because I know he didn’t mean anything by it.
He’s just madly in love.
I’m so happy that he’s found such a fearless woman to stand by his side through life that I can forgive his tactless comment.
“Well, now that that’s settled, can I please get back to my lunch?”
He throws me a lighthearted smile, thankfully leaving me to enjoy the rest of my lunch hour in quiet solitude.
But to my chagrin, I spend most of it thinking about Caleb, kicking myself for not having asked what triggered him to fire Piper in the first place.
No matter.
I’m sure he’ll explain it to me in tonight’s session.
However, he doesn’t explain because he never shows up.
Not that night nor the following nights after.
In fact, the next time I see Caleb Donovan’s face, it’s on the nine o’clock news.