Chapter 6
Diem
Diem
“You were jealous.” I couldn’t keep a straight face as I brought Elwood’s laptop down the hall to my office. Echo’s nails click-clacked on the hardwood as she scrambled along on my heels.
“It was momentary.”
“You. Were. Jealous.”
Tallus huffed. “Fine. I was jealous. For five whole seconds, then it went away, and now it’s gone.”
“Of a woman.”
“Oh, good god. Of a woman. I was jealous of a woman. There, I said it. Stop laughing.” Tallus rolled his desk chair down the hall, joining me so we could go through the outdated computer.
“I thought you liked it when I laughed.” I pointed at Echo’s bed. “Go lie down and have a nap, girl.”
The dog chuffed but didn’t object, performed three circles, and collapsed with a sigh on her pillow. She’d had a long morning.
Tallus forcefully shoved the chair into the room until it clattered against the desk. “I don’t like it when you laugh at my expense. You do realize that your nurse friend Donna is completely enamored with you, right? Tell me you aren’t that oblivious.”
“I noticed.”
“She wanted you to take her to bed.”
“I figured.”
“She wanted to rub her naked body all over you?”
“I caught that vibe.”
“You did, huh? Amazing.”
“I’m not blind, Tallus. It’s not like she turns me on.”
“Did you tell her you were gay and in a committed relationship and the only person allowed to ride your monster cock is me?”
“It never came up.”
Tallus scoffed, and the damn grin wouldn’t leave my face.
Tallus oozed jealousy, and it was beautiful.
He’d tried to explode my head like a pimple all the way back to the office, and I’d soaked it up.
Did he really feel threatened by a pixy nurse with holes in her face?
Even if I were semi-bi, five percent bi, I wouldn’t be interested.
“Was the gravelly voice necessary?”
“What gravelly voice?” I asked in a gravelly voice as I plugged in the laptop and hung my damp fedora and trench coat before getting situated.
“I hate you. I thought that voice was reserved for me. I can’t believe you share it with other people.”
“Tallus, I’ve been growling, snarling, grumbling, and gravel-voicing, whatever the fuck that is, since I came out of the womb. It’s not sexy. It’s repulsive.”
“What’s repulsive is your use of the word womb. Please refrain. It’s like saying vagina or… vulva.” He shuddered.
“What the fuck?”
He made a gagging noise. “Gay men should avoid mentions of female anatomy at all costs. It was in the contract. Didn’t you read the fine print?”
I pinched the bridge of my nose. “Can we work before this turns into a tangent?”
“It’s already a tangent.”
“Tallus—”
“Promise me you’ll never flirt with Nurse Donna again.”
“I wasn’t flirting. I was securing her help in a kindly way.”
“In a flirty way.”
“You’re right. The gay man with zero social skills and a crippling ability to make small talk with strangers was willfully flirting with a woman he has no interest in.
What’s next? Christ, maybe I’ll spontaneously propose to her.
It supposedly takes guys my age longer to come around to these things, but I think I’m ready.
I feel a touch of bi-curiosity coming on.
She’s it for me. Never had a vagina in my life, but no time like the present. ”
That shut him up. Tallus’s jaw unhinged, and he gawped for words that wouldn’t come.
Smirking, I asked, “Can we work now?”
“Your sense of humor sucks, and I hate you.”
“I wasn’t making a joke.”
“Those were my mother’s words, not mine. I don’t want to marry you.”
“Great. Feeling’s mutual.”
The good-natured ribbing slipped away. I’d gone too far.
The wedding and marriage ordeal was my problem, and he’d told me a hundred times—a thousand—that he didn’t need a ceremony or a certificate.
Why couldn’t I get it through my thick head?
Between his mother’s comment and Tallus’s spontaneous mention of weddings when we were chatting with Elwood, it made me wonder if he wasn’t sharing something, but I didn’t know how to ask.
Tallus meant the world to me. He’d changed the course of my life.
I no longer questioned why he chose to date me, why he loved me, but I did often wonder if I gave him enough positive things in return.
Did he know how deeply I felt for him? How frightened it made me when I considered a life without him?
How, if I was a different man, I would marry him in a heartbeat?
The ring was supposed to be enough. It was a symbol of my love. Of my dedication and commitment.
But like everything in my life, I couldn’t help wondering if I’d missed the mark.
I didn’t know how to take this thing inside me and put it into words, present it in a way others understood.
It was too immense. Too undefinable. Too terrifying.
It seeped through my veins. It woke me in the dead of night.
If I tried to contain it or explain it, I put myself into a full-fledged panic attack.
I had no idea the power-hold love could have on a person until it caught me in its grasp.
No one had taught me what it felt like to love someone this deeply. If I’d known…
I’d have still fallen. It was inevitable.
Tallus was inevitable.
If I knew one thing for certain. Love could not be controlled or commanded or contained. It was something you experienced. It became part of who you were. It stole the breath from your lungs and made you weak and vulnerable.
It also made you exquisitely happy.
This was my life now. A pendulum of emotions. I only wished for a better way to make Tallus understand how I felt inside.
“There’s nothing here,” I mumbled after twenty minutes of silently dissecting the guts of the laptop with Tallus breathing down my neck. He’d brought the chair into the room but had yet to sit in it, choosing to loom over my shoulder instead.
I downloaded a program and scanned for viruses and malware, something that might indicate the scammer, who had given Elwood the computer, was monitoring him or scraping his data, but I found nothing.
I performed standard checks and went through all the listed program details but came up empty-handed.
The laptop was a piece of junk. Whoever had previously owned it had stripped it to its bare bones before giving it to Elwood. If there was anything to find, it was buried too deeply for my skills to unearth it.
“Why give him a laptop?” Tallus asked, his breath ghosting my ear.
“I don’t know. Keep him happy?”
“Keep him quiet?”
“Maybe.”
“Check the search history.”
I scrolled through the endless websites Elwood had visited over the past couple of months. It was ridiculously long and eclectic. The man had been busy.
“Oh. I know.” Tallus giddily patted my shoulder. “Humor me. Go to Google and see what he recently asked it.”
“Why?”
“Elwood’s under the belief that the in-tra-net is all-knowing and he can ask it anything he wants, and it will gift him the answer on a silver platter.”
“Good grief.”
I opened a new tab and went to the homepage, which had been set as the Google search engine. All I had to do was activate the box, and a long list of his recently typed questions appeared.
How do I make my penis look younger?
Is my penis shrinking because it looks smaller?
How do I work the email machine?
Does the email machine need stamps?
Is booking my face the same as booking a plane ticket?
How do I make my arthritis go away?
Where did I put my glasses?
What is a Swifty?
Who is Taylor Swift?
Who is answering my questions?
How do you know everything?
What’s my name, dumbass?
Are you God?
“For a smart guy, he’s not too bright,” I said, chuckling. “He doesn’t realize, his precious in-tra-net is the biggest scam going. The world’s greatest encyclopedia and home to millions of con artists who’ll talk you out of your life savings without blinking an eye.”
“True, but this isn’t how he lost his money.”
“No.” I leaned back in my chair.
Tallus rested his chin on the top of my head, wrapping his arms around my neck. “What now, Guns?”
“We wait and hope Donna pulls through on her promise.”
Fearing the mention of her name would spiral us back into the whole jealousy conversation, I spun, dislodging Tallus from my neck but grabbing his hands before he moved away.
“Come here.”
Tallus stood between my thighs, expression oddly shy. “Hey.”
“Hey. Would a kiss help?”
He nodded.
I snagged a handful of his shirt and pulled him to my level, connecting our mouths, doing what I could to express the intangible feelings of love I carried everywhere I went.
I might never be able to explain these emotions out loud—not concisely—but I would spend the rest of my days trying to get my point across.
“I love you,” I whispered across his kiss-bruised lips.
“I love you.”
“Forever, okay?”
“I know, D.”
“Do you?”
“Yes.”
Since there wasn’t anything more to be done with regards to the case, Tallus dragged his chair back to the reception area to return phone calls and respond to emails.
Echo awoke with his relocation and tottered over for ear scratches.
It was nearly noon, so on the premise of grabbing lunch, I attached Echo’s leash, and we headed out into the dreary city.
The rain had eased to a misty drizzle. I didn’t know where I was going or what I felt like eating, but instead of taking the Jeep, I pulled my fedora low to protect my face and walked.
Echo needed exercise, and I needed a cigarette.