Chapter 19 ALEX
ALEX
Theo’s taking everything away from me.
I can’t come from masturbating anymore. Danny’s voice isn’t popping up, but every time I get close, I start thinking about Theo, and I refuse to come while thinking of him.
I have no desire to paint. I want to cry whenever I look at the paintings hung on my walls because I miss expressing myself. Theo’s asked me why I stopped, but I can’t tell him. It feels too personal.
Exercising is no longer a release since he’s started joining me on my long runs and showing up at the track whenever I sprint. The only reason he doesn’t take the fitness classes at the rec center with me is because he doesn’t like them, but I know he’s watching me.
He cooks every meal for me. He puts things away in my apartment where he thinks they should go. My planner, which I’ve started using again, is covered in red ink. I’m only alone if he wants me to be, and he really doesn’t want me to be.
The only things I have left to myself are work and my friends, and it’s only a matter of time before he ruins those, too.
***
I can’t keep ducking Suzie forever, so I let her take me out to lunch. Since she hired me, I’ve been friendly but distant, and I'd like to keep it that way.
Suzie and I walk down to a brewery nearby that has good pizza, and when we order food, she orders a beer and winks at me, so I order one, too.
“The best part of being a lawyer in the eighties was the three martini lunches,” she jokes. I force a smile. I used to have six martinis for lunch sometimes, but I don’t think she needs to know that about me.
“How’d you get anything done?” Suzie taps the side of her nose, and I laugh.
“You’re joking, right? This sounds like a bad stereotype.” She shrugs, sipping her beer.
“Stereotypes occasionally have a basis in reality. I moved away from that a long time ago, though, so I’m not really sure what they do now.
” Suzie smiles and shrugs. “So, how are you settling in, Alex? We haven’t had a chance to catch up lately.
” I fix a smile on my face. I can tell she’s worried about me, but I can’t tell her about Theo.
“I’m good. The apartment is working out, I have a routine, and I’m making friends.
I love the job,” I say, smiling warmly. That’s not a lie.
“I love Astoria, too. It’s so different from B…
where I’m from.” Suzie blinks but otherwise doesn’t seem to register that I almost revealed something personal.
I smile again, and she smiles back, but hers is subdued.
“How are you doing? You’ve seemed a little on edge the last few weeks.” I try to keep my face neutral, but over her shoulder, I watch Theo walk into the brewery.
“Uh, I’m good, honestly,” I say, taking a sip of my beer to hide my expression.
“I mean, not everything is perfect, you know? I’m still pretty nervous about being here sometimes.
I don’t want to be found.” Her eyes widen the slightest bit, and I realize that Theo threw me off enough that I revealed something very personal about myself to Suzie, who now looks concerned.
I look briefly over her shoulder at where Theo is sitting at the bar, watching me with a somewhat blank expression. He’s probably here to make sure I don’t ask her for help.
Fuck him.
“Is it likely that you’ll be found?” Suzie keeps her voice quiet, and I get time to collect myself before answering because our food arrives. I take a deep breath and try to act as normal as possible.
“Uh, maybe. I’m fine for the time being, but there’s a lot of things I can’t do.” Why am I being so honest with her?
“You know that Catherine and I will do whatever we can to help, right? Bailey as well, I’m sure.” I blink hard, looking away from her but nowhere near Theo.
“Thank you, Suzie. You’ve been so kind to me, really. I wouldn’t have anything without your help.” She waves a hand dismissively.
“Bullshit. You have you, and that’s more than enough.” I stare at her, taken aback, and she levels me with a serious look. “You can do anything you want to, Alex. You’re free to live your own life now.”
“Yeah,” I say, feeling hollow. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.” She clinks her beer glass to mine, and we drink. I excuse myself to the bathroom quickly, holding back my tears until I’m locked in a stall, and then I cover my mouth to dampen the sounds of my quiet sobbing.
I can’t afford for Suzie or Theo to see me this vulnerable, so I force myself to calm down and dry my face. I do my best to make it look like I haven’t been crying, but it’s obvious.
I’m not surprised to find Theo leaning against the wall outside the bathrooms. He cocks his head to the side and frowns when he sees me.
“Sweetheart, are you okay?” I stare at him, getting so frustrated I start tearing up again, and his face becomes concerned. “Alex, what’s wrong? You can talk to me.” He reaches out for me, and I shake my head and walk back to my table.
I apologize to Suzie, telling her that I just get a little emotional sometimes. She nods, looking concerned, but doesn't mention it.
When we leave, I lock eyes with Theo, who looks frustrated.
***
I’m at trivia that night with my friends, and Theo is at the bar, sipping a beer and watching me. First lunch with Suzie, and now this? I’m fucking livid.
I’m trying to pay attention to Jessica’s story about her cousin that’s studying in Italy, who got drunk in Venice and fell into a canal, but Theo’s staring at me with this intense, watchful look, and it’s hard not to be aware of him.
I need to drink a lot more to deal with him.
“I’m going to get another drink. Does anyone want anything?” I take a few orders, and Ben offers to help me carry them back, but I need to be alone to talk to Theo, so I politely decline.
At the bar, I stand just close enough to talk to Theo without looking like I know him.
“Hi, sweetheart. Are you having fun?”
“Why are you here?”
He shrugs. “I thought I’d make you dinner after trivia. Do you like salmon?” I’m dealing with a lunatic.
“I’m not hungry. Please leave.”
“Why? I’d like to get to know your friends.” I shoot him a dirty look, and he seems surprised.
“Absolutely not. Don’t come here. Don’t do this.” He doesn’t get to trap me and take everything away from me.
I’m not letting that happen again.
I take a deep breath, trying to calm down enough to try a different tactic. “I am begging you, Theo, just let me have friends.”
“I’m not keeping you from having friends, Alex," he says, his voice insulted. "I’m not a fucking asshole.” I laugh bitterly as the bartender passes over the drinks.
“Prove it. Don’t come here again. I don’t want you to know my friends.” He sighs, exasperated and obviously hurt.
“Great, I fucking love it when you shut me out. Do you want help carrying those?”
“No.” I turn away quickly, spilling the drinks a little because I probably did need help carrying them to the table.
Theo doesn’t leave.
I’m tense through trivia, drinking much more than I usually do, leaving quickly when I’d normally stay and chat, ducking Theo and starting to walk home by myself. He catches up to me within a few blocks, and I flinch as he grabs my arm gently and pulls me to a stop.
“Sweetie, you’re drunk and you just walked off without me. You have to be careful, okay?”
He links his fingers through mine as we walk. I leave my hand open, not gripping back, which seems to frustrate him, and I refuse to talk to him on the walk back, which makes him more frustrated.
I try to keep ignoring him, but Theo tries harder to get me to engage once we’re back at my place. I sit at the breakfast bar as he starts getting things prepared to make dinner, asking me about my friends, what I like about them, why I like doing trivia – anything to get me to talk to him.
Every question he asks makes me feel more irritated.
I open a bottle of wine and start drinking fast, giving him a tight smile and one-word answers, getting progressively more drunk. I can tell I’m wearing on his patience, but I need to have control over something.
If all I can control is pushing him until he kills me, I’ll fucking do that.
After I pour my third glass of wine, he snatches it off the counter, grabbing the empty bottle as well.
“Jesus, Alex. You have a drinking problem, you know that?”
I give him a sharp smile. “Give me back my fucking wine, Theodore. It helps me get through things that are unpleasant, like spending time with you.” Theo’s jaw tenses, and he gives me a cold, condescending smile as he slowly dumps the wine into the sink.
I snap, grabbing the first thing in my reach, which ends up being my keys, and I hurl them at his face. He ducks out of the way, and then he’s immediately in my space, somehow still towering over me even though he’s leaning over the breakfast bar.
“Don’t fucking throw things at me! We are not doing that, ever!” His voice is raised and stern, and he’s not quite yelling at me, but he’s so intense it’s scary. My anger dissipates quickly, shame and anxiety creeping up on me.
Why the fuck did I just do that? This is a dangerous situation, and I can’t push him like this. Plus, I hated it when Danny got mad and threw things at me.
I look down at my hands, shaking my head. What is wrong with me?
Theo sighs hard, and I flinch when his hand comes to grip my jaw lightly, tilting my face up so I have to look at him.
“We talk in this relationship. I am never going to hit you, or throw things at you, or hurt you, so don’t fucking do it to me.
” I nod. “Good. I never want to have this conversation again, understand?” I nod again.
He lets go of my face and turns into the kitchen, picking up my keys and pocketing them, shaking his head.
“Jesus fucking Christ,” he mutters under his breath. I don’t say anything, feeling ashamed.
I need to calm down and get through this, one day at a time. I’m not going to keep pushing him to his limits because I’m tired of dealing with him, and I’m not going to be like Danny.