Chapter 20 THEO
THEO
I am in hell, and I have no one to blame but myself.
Well, maybe Alex, a little bit.
She’s stubborn as fuck and has such horrific trust issues that she won’t let me in, even for a second, and she has a hell of a temper.
I don’t know how I didn’t see that before.
Her voice has a clipped quality to it, her movements are quick, and her body is always slightly tense, even when she’s stretching or sleeping.
I thought she had anxiety, and maybe she does, but mostly she seems angry - especially with me.
It seems like everything I’m doing pisses her off, but I think the fact that I’m not fucking her is pissing her off the most.
The only time she’s not angry with me is when she’s asleep. I haven’t been holding her when we go to sleep, but I wake up with her in my arms anyway, her body flush against mine. I’ve watched the cameras back, relieved to see that she’s the one who gravitates towards me in the middle of the night.
It’s reassuring to know that, on some level, she feels how connected we are, especially since she doesn’t want to speak to me, doesn’t want to share her feelings with me, and does her best to ignore me if she’s not trying to get me to fuck her.
Instead of asking for sex, she’s keeping up her bullshit attempts to get me to lose control with her.
I’ve almost lost control with her so many times.
Her apartment is freezing, but she keeps walking around in lingerie, standing closer to me than usual, laying her legs across my lap on the couch when we watch TV, anything other than asking me.
Every time I ignore her attempts, she gets furious and sulks.
I have to wait her out, but it’s so fucking hard.
I’m not any better at controlling myself or my impulses – I just have a much stronger motivation not to fuck her.
I need her to know that she can trust me, and I know the payoff of her finally opening up to me is going to be worth it.
I’m getting tired of her being angry with me all the time, and of her lying to me, and of her acting like I don’t actually care about her.
Most of all, I’m so fucking tired of catching her crying quietly in the middle of the night.
She shuts down any time she realizes I’ve caught her, and she won’t talk to me or let me comfort her at all, no matter how hard I try.
I know she’s got a lot of baggage, but it’s not like I don’t have any fucking baggage, and it sucks to be the only one who’s trying to make this relationship work. I hate how long it’s taking her to adjust, and I hate that she’s actively fighting against it, but I know that it will get easier soon.
It needs to, for both of our sakes, because I’m starting to lose my fucking patience with her.