Chapter 22 THEO #2
“What are you cooking and how are you fucking me?” Her voice is flat and she’s drinking quickly, still not looking at me, and my knee starts bouncing quickly. I need her to see I’m a normal boyfriend, not an abusive fuck like her ex, but she’s so guarded that even that seems like a huge hurdle.
“I thought we could order in and watch the Red Sox game?” Her face flickers with interest, and relief washes through me as she finally looks at me. This was the right move. She nods, turning on her TV and pulling the game up.
“What do you want to order, sweetheart?”
“Whatever you want.” In general, I hate eating out because I can’t control how the food is made, but I can’t tell her that.
She has her own hang-ups about food, and she still barely fucking eats as is.
She’s definitely lost some weight since we started dating, which is concerning because it’s only been a month.
“Honey, what do you want?”
“Burgers. Fries. Milkshakes. Some fucking alone time.” I nod, pulling out my phone.
At least she chose something. Something I don’t want to eat, maybe, but something.
I hand over my phone and let her scroll through the brewery menu, looking through the menu after her and choosing the least disgusting-looking thing I can find.
I do not eat burgers or hot dogs on anything remotely resembling prison food anymore on fucking principle.
“Um, how was your day?”
“Fine.” She’s almost done with her wine, and she’s been home for ten minutes.
That’s a nice Viognier, I wish she’d take the time to taste it. I also wish she’d address her drinking problem.
We eat dinner in silence, mostly. I try to engage with her, but outside of occasional comments about the game, she’s completely shutting me out. Today’s conversation with Dr. Mills rolls around in the back of my mind, seeming like an idea that’s almost real, but not quite.
Maybe I should go home and look up how to be a better boyfriend to Alex.
I don’t want to keep triggering her by accident like I did on Saturday, so I clean up the dishes once the game is over, determined to go home.
She wants alone time, which I hate, but I want her to see that I can give her what she wants.
“Okay, I’ll see you tomorrow. Think about what you want to do on Saturday?”
She looks confused. “You’re leaving?”
“You said you wanted alone time, right?” I think it’s too much to hope that she’ll ask me to stay.
“Yeah?”
“So, I’m going.” I give her a tight smile and kiss her forehead, ignoring how much it hurts that she still flinches. I know it’s not about me, and I’m focusing on the fact that it keeps getting smaller and less pronounced every time I touch her.
We’re getting there, slowly but surely.
She grabs my wrist when I reach for my car keys, and I stop, looking down at her in question. She lets out a long sigh and doesn’t meet my eye as her face flushes a bright pink.
“Come on.” She walks into the bedroom, stripping quickly as she goes. I trail after her apprehensively, leaning in the doorway and considering her. She’s naked, sitting in the center of her small bed, curled in on herself and not looking at me.
I haven’t initiated sex since Saturday, and this is the second time this week Alex has initiated. She seemed embarrassed last time and didn’t want to look at me, or talk to me, or kiss me, insisting on being taken from behind and refusing to be held afterward.
It felt informal and transactional, and I did not like it.
“Alex, why do you want to have sex?” She looks embarrassed, flushing a deeper shade of pink and looking away from me. I instantly know the answer, and I fucking hate it.
“Can you shut up and just fuck me?” I feel a sinking sensation in my stomach, followed by a curl of irritation.
“No. I’m your boyfriend, not your fucking vibrator.” She gets angry immediately, grabbing a pillow to throw at me. She stops herself, making a frustrated sound and throwing it into the wall before she jumps off the bed and gets in my face, shoving her finger in my chest.
“You’re not my boyfriend! You just show up constantly and feed me and fuck me and bother the shit out of me!” I grin down at her.
“Definitely your boyfriend,” I tease. She’s not having it, and my smile slides off my face as angry tears well up in her eyes.
“What is this? You won’t leave me alone, you won’t kill me, and now you won’t fuck me again?
” She’s getting worked up, pacing the floor, waving her arms around.
“What am I to you? A pet? A doll? A fucking object? I’m not property, goddammit, I’m a fucking person!
At least, I was until you showed up.” I don’t even know what to say.
Is this seriously how she thinks about our relationship?
It’s like she doesn’t know me at all, like she’s misinterpreting everything I do on purpose.
“Honey -”
“What is the fucking point of this?”
“We’re together, Alex,” I say, trying to keep the hurt out of my voice.
“No, we’re fucking not!” she shrieks. It’s getting difficult to deal with her when she acts like this. I understand this is just about her ex, but it feels sort of personal. “Can’t you just fucking kill me already? I’m so tired of this.”
I’m ignoring that one entirely.
“I’m not having this fight with you. I know you’re adjusting -” Alex barks out a laugh.
“Yeah, adjusting to being someone else’s fucktoy!
I had nine years of that already, so what’s the difference, right?
” She looks at me as though she expects an answer, but I can’t think of anything to say, and she lets out a bitter laugh.
“The only difference between you and Danny is that you can actually make me come, so can you please fuck me already?” Anger courses through me.
She seriously thinks I’m anything like her husband?
“You want me to fuck you, Alex? Fine,” I snap, grabbing her by the waist and hauling her against me.
She seems instantly nervous, and when I cup her face in my hands and kiss her softly, she makes a confused noise and doesn’t kiss back.
I pull back and look down at her, taking a deep breath to try to calm down.
I’m so frustrated with her trust issues, but I can’t get mad at her like this.
“Sweetheart, if you don’t kiss me, I’m not going to fuck you.
I’m your boyfriend, so act like it for once, please.
” She looks angry but nods as she sinks to her knees.
“Oh, Jesus fucking Christ, that’s not what I meant,” I mutter as I bend down and pull her to her feet, drawing her back into a soft, slow kiss.
She seems frozen, barely reacting as I cup her face again and kiss her, tilting her head back slightly to deepen the kiss.
She starts to undo my pants frantically, and I reach down and push her hands away gently to make her stop.
“Alex, slow down.” She flushes and makes a frustrated noise.
“What do you fucking want from me?” Is she serious? From the angry look on her face, I think she is.
“I want you to be here with me, sweetheart,” I tell her, keeping my voice soft.
“I want you to be present and enjoy what’s happening, to connect with me and feel how much I care about you.
” Her eyes are wide and confused as I tuck her hair behind her ear and brush my thumb over her cheek.
“You know, boyfriend stuff,” I say, rolling my eyes a little and smiling at her.
She shakes her head slightly. “I don’t know how to do that,” she says in a small voice, and I struggle to keep my face from showing how angry I am.
I am absolutely going to kill the piece of shit that came into her life when she was young and naive and treated her like a piece of meat. She’s so damaged, and it’s his fault that making this work with her is so hard.
I try to stay calm, taking a deep breath and kissing her forehead.
“Just try for me, okay?” I lean down slowly to kiss her again, and she kisses me back tentatively.
I let her set the excruciatingly slow pace, focusing on keeping my touch slow and gentle as I slide my hands up and down her waist. Eventually, her hands come up my chest, sliding slowly up the back of my neck and burying themselves in my hair.
I sigh in relief as she pulls me forward into her, pressing up onto her toes and wrapping her arms around my neck as she leans into me, deepening the kiss.
There she is.
I bend down and pick her up, letting her legs come around my hips before I climb onto her bed and lay her down.
I lean over her, undoing my shirt as I kiss her, tossing it to the floor and pulling away to yank off my t-shirt quickly.
She’s laid out beneath me, soft and warm and naked and looking so nervous.
For the briefest second, I think this is what her first time should have been like, with someone who gave a shit about her, who wanted to take care of her and make her feel good.
I know that’s not what happened.
I undo my pants slowly, standing up and pushing them off before taking my time kissing up her body.
She makes faint, wanting sounds in the back of her throat as I trail my lips up the soft expanse of her skin.
Alex doesn’t seem to know what to do with her hands, running them up and down my chest and sides and arms until they land tentatively on my shoulders.
I lift my head to kiss the back of her hand, and she exhales softly, looking surprised.
She needs tenderness, and I can give her that.
“Can I take care of you?” She nods, her face still nervous.
I smile at her reassuringly and start kissing my way back down her body, kneeling in between her legs, dragging my tongue up the soft skin of her inner thighs until I’m pressing light, barely there kisses against her cunt.
She whimpers as I kiss her clit, and her chest arches off the bed briefly.
I moan as I dip my tongue into her, tasting her, and then again when she cards her fingers through my hair, her nails dragging along my scalp.