Chapter 28 THEO
THEO
The beach is barely above freezing when the sun finally starts rising, and the delicate, frigid mist from the fog rolling in off the water has dampened my clothes enough that my skin is chilled. I don’t remember how I got here, or how long I’ve been here, or where here even is.
All I can think about is how scared Alex looked when I tried to kiss her.
I bury my face in my hands, looking down at the craggy rocks and the shadowy tide pools below me.
I think Alex would love it here, wherever it is.
She should be here with me, or I should be back at that hotel with her.
We shouldn’t be fighting like this. I don’t understand why this relationship is still so fucking hard, because it shouldn’t be.
We’re supposed to be together – we’re fucking connected.
I had no idea what that meant until I met Alex.
I told Dr. Mills I felt connected to Ashley, but it barely even counts in retrospect.
I knew something was different about her from the moment I met her, but it took me a while to figure out that we were connected, and it wasn’t nearly as strong as the connection I have with Alex.
Ashley, as much as I loved her, was never mine the way Alex is.
I wasn’t lying when I told Alex that I hardly cared about Ashley compared to how I feel about her.
Things with Ashley were so easy, and I never would have tried this hard to make things work with her.
I wouldn’t have let her go easily, maybe, but I would have let her go, eventually – I did let her go.
That’s never going to happen with Alex.
I think that’s why Ashley and I had different perspectives on our relationship – we didn’t belong to each other.
It makes so much sense now. She doesn’t lie to herself like Alex does, but she has a different outlook on things than I do.
How she talked about me in her victim impact statement felt wrong, like she was misinterpreting everything I did on purpose.
I thought she was just angry about what happened, and it took me years to accept that it was actually how she felt.
According to her, I was too much to handle, had always been too much to handle, and I only got worse after I told her I loved her.
She said she was afraid of hurting me, not because she loved me back, but because she was worried about how I’d react.
Kevin wasn’t too much to handle, though.
Kevin was a funny, charming, easygoing piece of shit who was fucking my girlfriend behind my back for months and lying to my face about it.
Things were going well between me and Ashley before he took her away from me, but I was too young and stupid and in love to notice when that happened.
He knew how I felt about her and told her that I was going to propose, and said she’d never be able to get away from me if I did.
He wasn’t wrong, but I didn’t want her to see it that way.
He manipulated her into feeling like she was in danger, which she wasn’t, but I think me giving into my impulses and stalking her only helped prove his point.
Ashley said the stalking was so bad that she considered dropping out and moving back to California just to get away from me, but she didn’t think it would have stopped me.
To be fair, it probably wouldn’t have.
She talked about the lengths she and Kevin went to hide their relationship from me, how they didn’t text or email at all, how they only met off campus when they knew I’d be occupied, how they were both afraid that I’d freak out if I found out about them.
They were right, of course.
They just didn’t know how badly I’d freak out.
I remember how Ashley looked at me when she saw me step out of her closet, when she realized that I’d watched Kevin fuck her and heard her tell him that she loved him.
Alex might think she’s afraid of me, but she’s never been that afraid of me.
We both know that being happy is the thing she’s actually afraid of, and she’s only pushing me away because she knows I can make her happy. She just got scared because I acknowledged that she was finally starting to let me in, and she lashed out.
That’s all this is.
Dr. Mills says she thinks I’m sensitive to rejection and while she’s generally wrong about me, she might have a point there.
I’m used to being rejected by people I love, but I know that Alex doesn’t mean to reject me.
She didn’t even mean what she said to me, but it keeps playing in my head on an endless loop anyway, cutting deeper and deeper each time.
I know Alex doesn’t mean to hurt me. She only pushes me away so I can show her that I’m not going anywhere and that she can trust me, but it sucks nonetheless.
She’s been fighting me and rejecting me every fucking step of the way, and all I get with her are these brief, shining moments when she finally lets her guard down and connects with me.
I know I’m right about us and our connection, but it’s starting to feel like her trust issues are too big to get past. Sometimes, it even feels like she’s trying to sabotage this relationship on purpose.
I’m at a loss on how to fix things with her. I know I can fix them, I just don’t know how.
My phone chimes in my pocket, and I pull it out, shocked to see how late in the morning it is.
I open up the security system app and stare at my phone, a deep ache coursing through me as I watch Alex walk up my driveway, stopping short when she realizes my car isn’t there.
She stands there for a minute before she shakes her head and walks away.
The relief I feel is so intense it’s almost painful.
It starts raining, but I stay on the beach and watch her location as she walks home, my fingertips losing feeling by the time she gets into her apartment.
I open the camera feeds to see her curl up on her couch under a blanket, turning on the TV and staring blankly at it.
She’s not watching anything, letting the carousel of advertised movies and shows on the home screen play through, because she’s too busy checking her phone every other minute.
I can tell she’s upset, and I know she wouldn’t be this upset if she didn’t care.
She certainly wouldn’t have stopped by my house if she didn’t care, and I think she needs time to realize that.
I know she wants me to reach out, but it’s time for her to stop fucking lying to herself and invest in this relationship.
I don’t know what I’ll do if she doesn’t.