Chapter 44 THEO
THEO
I might have already fucked this up.
Alex sits on the counter in my flannel with a dreamy smile as she drinks a glass of wine and watches me cut vegetables. I shouldn’t be using a knife right now because I’m so distracted, but I try to focus on the process and not on the growing ball of anxiety in my chest.
I pause what I’m doing and look over at the angel sitting on my counter, her dark hair in a messy high ponytail, her freckled cheeks flushed, her light brown eyes soft and adoring as she looks at me, her kiss-swollen lips curved in a happy, satisfied smile.
I’ve never seen Alex happy like this, and it’s hard to believe it’s because of me.
I only make her this happy because she has no idea I’m lying to her.
I’ve been doing almost everything she asked of me, and it’s all been making me fucking miserable.
I have mostly kept myself from stalking her since we came back from Yachats, which has been excruciating.
I have begrudgingly been trying to internalize what I’m learning in therapy, which makes me fucking hate myself.
I’ve been dating her in a way that makes me want to tear my hair out because I’m only getting a fraction of what I want from her at any given time.
The only thing I haven’t done is be totally honest with her.
I keep thinking about the tracker, and how she only wants to be here because she doesn’t know about it.
We’re actually together now, and I think she just tried to tell me she loves me, but only because she doesn’t know I put a tracker in her and I’m still technically stalking her a little bit, even though I’m trying hard not to.
“Fuck!” I pull my hand back, my finger gushing blood from where I’ve accidentally sliced it open.
Alex makes a small yelp and hops off the counter, running into the bathroom for the first aid kit.
I run my finger under the faucet, washing the blood off and examining it while I get my thoughts back under control.
Alex hurries back into the room, flipping through the first aid kit for ointment and bandages before she starts tending to the cut.
“This seems familiar, right?” she asks with a sly smirk as she carefully dries my hand and dabs ointment on the cut. I laugh, resting my other hand on the small of her back and pulling her into me.
“Somehow, I’m still the one getting threatened with knives.” She giggles, wrapping the bandage tight and kissing my finger softly. She looks up at me, her eyes brimming with adoration, and it feels like I’m in a dream.
Why am I so worried? Now that we’re together, I can remove the tracker, which will fix everything.
Everything is fine.
Alex loves me.
At least, I’m almost positive she loves me. I’m not entirely sure, and I need to know. I’m supposed to be asking, checking in, making sure, seeing if what I think is real is real, especially with her.
“Um, I need to ask you something, like earlier. I suck at reality with you, supposedly.” She laughs as she hops up on the counter, sipping her wine again. “You want to be here, right? That’s real?” I look at her, and she nods. “Words, please, honey.” She smiles, slightly amused.
“I want to be here. That’s real.” She’s not lying.
“You really want to do this? You want to be in a relationship with me, even though you think you shouldn’t be? Is that seriously real?” She smiles, nodding again, sipping her wine.
“I really want to be in this relationship with you.” She smirks at me. “You just want to hear me say you’re my boyfriend again, right?” I shrug, smiling sheepishly, and she laughs at me. “You’re my fucking boyfriend, Theo.” I laugh weakly, sucking in a breath as she sips her wine.
Okay, here goes.
“When we were having sex, were you trying to tell me that you love me?” She spits her wine out in surprise, covering her mouth in horror. I laugh, handing her a towel, watching her face flush a bright red as she dabs at the stains on my shirt.
She takes a deep breath, exhaling quickly, looking distressed. “Um, I tried, but I couldn’t say it.” Panic grips me and my brain starts running sideways and in reverse, second-guessing everything about what happened. I try to breathe, but my chest feels too tight.
“I didn’t expect you to say it back,” I say quickly. “I couldn’t help it, but you already know how I feel about you. Please don’t say it if you don’t mean it. I don’t want you to lie to me, especially not about that.” She cocks her head to the side, giving me a fond, slightly sad smile.
“Oh, baby, that’s not what’s happening. I think I just got overwhelmed because I felt so happy and connected to you.
” My brain speeds up to the point that it shuts down entirely, leaving me standing there staring at Alex like a fucking idiot.
She frowns and slips off the counter, standing before me, her hands gripping my shoulders and pulling me towards her.
“Theo, this isn’t a delusion, okay? This is real.
I have the option to be here, and I want to be here.
I have the option to love you now, and I do.
” A sharp thrill runs down my spine at her words, and she kisses me quickly, pulling back to look at me with a vulnerable and tender expression.
“I love you so fucking much, Teddy.” She smiles up at me, and it’s the first time I’ve seen her so happy and unguarded, so genuinely joyful.
Her smile looks like it did in the photos of her before her parents died, but broader, sweeter, and infinitely warmer.
I take her face in my hands and kiss her, and a slick slide of guilt in my stomach ruins the best moment of my life.
I don’t want to keep lying to her.
I should tell her about the tracker, but I can’t because I’m a weak, selfish asshole who just got everything I ever fucking wanted.
She’s here, she loves me, and she’s so fucking happy right now, so there’s no way I’m ruining this for myself.
Instead of telling her about the tracker, I tell her I love her over and over while I make love to her on the kitchen counter.
She wraps herself around me and looks at me with an open, adoring expression as she talks constantly between kisses, telling me that she’s mine, that she loves me, that she’s so happy this is happening, and every whispered I love you that pours out of her fills a space inside of me that’s always been empty.
Being loved by Alex makes me feel completely whole for the first time in my life.
There’s no fucking way I’m giving this up.
I shut everything else out and stay in the feeling with her all night.
Food tastes better, her laugh sounds like music, every smile is a gift, her kisses make me feel like I’m burning from the inside out, the slow, passionate sex is the closest thing I’ve ever had to a spiritual experience, and beneath everything is the constant hum of our connection resonating between us.
It’s the best night of my fucking life.
I’m able to stay in the feeling as we lie there, talking softly until she falls asleep in my arms, and then it slowly fades away, the familiar emptiness returning.
I wait until I’m sure she’s asleep before I slip out of bed and head down to the basement, where I sprint on the treadmill to keep from freaking the fuck out.
It’s fine. As long as she doesn’t find out I’m lying, I can fix this and keep her forever.
All I need to do is remove the tracker, which will make this whole problem disappear.
I just need to focus on the fact that she’s here, even though I’m a massive fucking asshole, and that she wants to be with me, despite the warnings of my concerned therapist, and that she loves me, even though I don’t deserve it.
It’ll all be fine.
I’ll take out the tracker and tell her about it when our relationship isn’t so new, like in a few years when we’re married and have kids.
She’ll be mad at me, but she won’t want to leave at that point.
She’ll know how happy I can make her, and she’ll let me spend the rest of our lives making it up to her.
I’m not going to fuck this up again.
I can’t fuck this up again, because I won’t get another chance with her.
I don’t even deserve the chance she gave me, but Alex gave it to me anyway because she’s a kind, wonderful, forgiving person who I don’t remotely deserve.
That’s real. That’s not a delusion. I know that for a fact.