Chapter 10
Chapter Ten
A fter pickleball, Janet suggested we all stop for drinks, and I badly needed one, so we did. On the drive over, I decided I needed reinforcements, so I called Ralph to join us. It was a new place called the Axe 2 Grinder. The reviews said the food was edible; the drinks were cheap, and they had axe throwing, which for some reason sounded like a good idea at the time.
While Ralph and I grabbed a table, Jack went to fetch a bucket of beer at the bar and Janet went to get the waivers for the throwing cage. It was like a batting cage, except instead of swinging at baseballs with a bat, you hurl axes at chunks of wood with a bullseye painted on them.
While we were still alone, Ralph leaned in close. “So let me get this straight. Janet and Jack. They’re together together?”
“Well, not together together. Just together, I think. Janet told me they were only hanging out.”
“You know it’s your fault, right? You were the one trying to get Janet to find someone to hook up with, and now it looks like she found someone. Karma.” Ralph was right. It was the Universe f-ing with me.
“I’m still not entirely sure how it happened,” I said. Which was the truth. I still couldn’t believe it myself. The boy who had traumatized me in high school, had resurfaced after twenty years, now an incredibly handsome, amazing, nice smelling man, and somehow, I, like a complete idiot, had aligned the stars, the sun, and the moon to create the perfect storm situation which brought Jack and Janet together.
“You have to do something,” Ralph said, stating the obvious. “They would be horrible together.”
“It would be a disaster,” I agreed.
“Jack Thompson is a complete asshole,” said Ralph.
“Once an asshole, always an asshole,” I agreed, though I still needed to investigate that assumption for myself.
Over at the bar, we watched as the female bartender leaned over the bar talking to Jack, smiling and batting her eyes, the top half of her unbuttoned shirt allowing her surgically enhanced bosom to practically spill out onto Jack’s nuts. The bar snack variety, just to be clear. And then there was another table of horny MILF’s checking out his butt.
“I don’t even see what women see in him.” Ralph looked like he was trying to give Jack a brain aneurysm telepathically.
“Well …” I began.
“Well, what?” Ralph raised an eyebrow.
“He is a doctor.”
“Doctors are self absorbed pricks.” Ralph had a thing against all doctors. I think it was some kind of doctors versus lawyers thing.
“Janet says he makes balloon animals for children.”
“What kind of balloon animals? Like a snake? Because if it’s a snake, that doesn’t count.”
“No, not a snake, the good ones. Monkeys and giraffes and stuff.”
“Monkeys?”
I nodded.
“Giraffes?”
I nodded again.
“I wonder if he can do a tiger?”
“Probably.”
“I love tigers.”
I patted Ralph on the back. “I know you do.” Ralph’s favorite animal was a tiger. In fact, he was wearing an Aloha shirt with a tiger shooting lasers out of its eyes that very night.
“You know what else Janet said Jack is good at?”
“I don’t think I want to know. He doesn’t play the ukulele, does he?” Ralph had recently started taking ukulele lessons on YouTube. He was extremely proud of himself. Though for the life of me, I did not know why.
“No, not the ukulele. Janet says he plays acoustic guitar. Jimmy Buffett mostly.”
“Hell. I love Jimmy Buffett. Now I want a cheeseburger.”
“Jack is good at everything. I mean everything.”
“What an asshole.”
“He bakes soufflés. Chocolate soufflés. Who does that?”
“Jerk.”
“And he builds things. With his hands.”
“What things?”
“I don’t know, wooden things. Probably toy trains for orphans. And pergolas.”
Ralph shook his head. “Total prick.”
“Do you know, he studied massage in Bangladesh? Bangladesh!”
“How do you even know that?” I tried my best to stay cool under Ralph’s judgmental gaze, but he knew me too well. He saw right through the charade. “Oh my God, you’re still obsessed with him.”
“No,” I said. Even I thought I sounded unconvincing. As a lawyer, Ralph had developed a sixth sense when it came to reading people’s true intentions and figuring out the truth. So while my bluff had worked well enough for now with Janet, Ralph wasn’t fooled.
“You want him for yourself.” The way Ralph said it made it clear it wasn’t a question.
“Better me than Janet,” I blurted, before my self respect filter could kick in. “He’ll chew her up and spit her out.”
“Mary, think about it. You said he’s a gynecologist. What kind of man makes a career choice to look at women’s vulvas all day?”
“You know I dated a chiropractor once. His back rubs were fantastic.” My eyes got dreamy.
Our conversation was interrupted by a waitress hoisting a large tray of food. “Your cute friend over there ordered a couple of apps for the table.”
“Apps? What apps?” Ralph was visibly salivating at the mouth.
The waitress set the platters down. “Pulled pork nachos, mac & cheese balls, fried pickles.”
Jack gave us a thumbs up from the bar, then resumed talking to the big breasted bartender.
Ralph saluted him. “Perhaps I judged the fine Dr. Thompson a wee bit too hastily.” Ralph stuffed his mouth with an entire mac and cheese ball. “I’m just surprised Janet didn’t go after Gary instead.”
“Gary?”
Ralph nodded. “The dungeon master. Your painter. You told her he told you to tell her he said ‘hi’, right? That’s total code for Mary, please set us up.”
I had a major Homer Simpson Doh moment. I had been so focused on thinking about Jack, the thought of Janet and Gary still having any interest in one another never even occurred to me.
Ralph slathered one of the tortilla chips with pulled pork and nacho cheese. Thankfully, he was careful to avoid the sour cream. “I mean, she was in love with him back in high school. Almost as bad as you were in love with Jack.” Ralph took a bite of a fried pickle. “Pretty sure he was really into her too.”
“How could you even tell? He was so quiet. And lanky. And nerdy.”
Ralph scooped another nacho chip into a puddle of barbecue sauce. “Didn’t you ever find it odd that whenever we found a dragon’s cave, you and I would get incinerated and Janet would end up with all the treasure?”
Before I could interrogate Ralph further, Janet came back with the waivers. “We’re good to go. The axe throwing cage is all ours.”
Janet nodded her head toward the bar, where Jack was coming over with the beer bucket. “So. Ralph.” She was smiling ear to ear. “What do you think?”
“That drinking and sharply edged weapons are not a good mix.”
“No, I mean about me and Jack. I think I might ask him out.”
Ralph had his lawyer's face on. Like he was cross-examining a witness trying to catch them in a lie. “I don’t think you should rush into anything,” he said. “Maybe, you know, keep your options open. Play the field.”
“Yes,” I agreed. “What Ralph said.”
“I’ve played the field,” Janet replied. “Outfield. Infield. Pitcher. Catcher. Ball boy. I’m tired of playing the field. Maybe I need to think about settling down. My biological clock is ticking.”
Ralph and I exchanged a look.
“Janet …” I began.
“No Mary, stop. I know what you’re going to say.” Run away as far from Jack as you can. So I can have him. “You’re going to tell me to take things slow. That I always rush into a relationship and things go too fast and then I end up getting hurt.”
“Right,” I agreed. “That’s exactly what I was going to say. Verbatim. Every time you get involved with someone, you think you’re in love and then before you know it, you’re lying on your bathroom floor freebasing rocky road ice cream. Literally, every time.”
“Not every time,” said Janet. “Sometimes it’s mint chocolate chip.”
Ralph came in for the assist, swallowing another bite of fried mac and cheese. “For once in her life, Janet, I think Mary’s right. Jack isn’t …” Ralph tapped his throat to get the rest of the mac and cheese down. “Wow, that’s gooey.”
“I know Mary’s right,” Janet said, capitalizing on the pause in the conversation. “Which is why I’m doing a thirty-day plan.”
“A thirty-day plan?” I asked.
“A thirty-day plan,” she confirmed. “I saw it on TikTok.”
Ralph coughed. “What’s a thirty-day plan?”
“Thirty days of friendship only. No intimate physical contact. No kissing. Certainly nothing below the belt.”
“And this is a real thing?”
“Supposedly they do it in Gen Z.” We all rolled our eyes. “That way, you get to see if you’re compatible. See if you really connect. Without all the sex stuff and hormones messing with your head.”
I had to admit, the idea made sense. Even if it was a Gen Z thing.
Before Ralph and I could probe further, Jack arrived with the beers.
“A toast,” he said, distributing the bottles. “To old friends.” We clinked bottles, then poured beer down our throats.
“To new friends.” Janet hoisted her bottle, and we drank again.
“To making good choices.” Ralph looked pointedly at Janet. Then at me.
“To friends who intervene when you don’t make good choices.” I looked pointedly at Ralph.
“Now who’s ready to get their axe on?” asked Jack.
“Whoo! Me!” Janet raised her hand. Jack passed out the remaining beers from the bucket and we headed for the cage.
* * *
One of the many life lessons I have learned over the years is that you should never make an important life decision when you are too tired, too angry, or too drunk to think clearly. Especially when you are all three. For example, signing up for a “free” four days, three nights exclusive vacation offer where they try to sell you a time-share in Branson, Missouri. Or going all-in on a new hair color you ordered online from Vietnam. Or plotting strategies to orchestrate the manipulation of your best friend’s love life, as well as your own.
But, after getting home late that night from Axe 2 Grinder, and seeing Janet flirt with Jack all night, I was too drunk, too tired, and too pissed off to remember any lessons, life altering or otherwise. I started texting Gary as soon as I got home.
MARY:
r u up???
it’s mary
mary yearns
sorry spel correct
of course it does not correct spell
burns
mary burns
the greige lady
I mean walls
not me
i’m not greige
just my walls
actually just looked in the bathroom mirror
fluorescent lighting
I actually am greige
in my defense have not slept
and way 2 much bears
not bears
no bears here
I looked for a bear emoji to include but couldn’t find one. I found the beer glass emoji however and used it generously.
beers
2 much beers
way way
I added more beer glass emojis for good measure. Then I found the bear one after all and added a bunch of those too.
Purrfect had been waiting up for me when I got home, wearing a look of disapproval that would have made a Catholic nun proud. She looked even more disappointed in me when I didn’t go straight to bed, or at least open up a can of tuna. She settled for a good ear scratching, though.
As I ran my fingers through her fur, the screen on my phone lit up, three dots pulsing beneath my last message. Gary was typing a response. Then he wasn’t. The three dots disappeared. Then they came back. Then they disappeared again. This went on for about ten more minutes.
I figured he was probably debating on whether he should just block me or report me to the texting authorities as unauthorized spam. Then, finally, Gary’s message came through.
NEW PAINTER:
no
No? I had totally forgotten what my original question was that he responded “no” to.
MARY:
no what?
NEW PAINTER:
no I’m not up
u asked if I was up
I am saying no I am not
MARY:
seems like u r
NEW PAINTER:
bc of u
why r u txting me
MARY:
bc i need you
There was another long pause, even longer than the first one.
NEW PAINTER:
what exactly does that mean?
Eww. Yuck. I quickly clarified.
MARY:
not what u r thinking perv
not that desperate btw
NEW PAINTER:
g thx
MARY:
meet at the house tomorrow?
pls?
pleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease?
NEW PAINTER:
ugh
MARY:
how soon can u b there?
NEW PAINTER:
I thought u fired me
MARY:
changed mind, u r unfired
NEW PAINTER:
not how it works
MARY:
u been fired b4???
NEW PAINTER:
no
MARY:
then how do u know
don’t you want $$$
NEW PAINTER:
not that desperate btw
MARY:
g thx
After another long pause, Gary texted again.
NEW PAINTER:
what u want me 4
MARY:
better 2explain in person
NEW PAINTER:
sounds dangerous
MARY:
it is
tomorrow pls
1st thing
NEW PAINTER:
can’t tomorrow
MARY:
new job??
NEW PAINTER:
something like that
MARY:
whatever they’re paying, I’ll dble it
NEW PAINTER:
not getting paid
MARY:
then I’ll triple it
why are you not getting paid? Is it illegal????
it’s something criminal right?
NEW PAINTER:
no
MARY:
is the Russian mob involved?
NEW PAINTER:
am doing it 2 b nice
MARY:
ah
i see
pro boner
NEW PAINTER:
r u?
a little surprised
MARY:
autocorrect, meant to say pro boner
NEW PAINTER:
got it the first time
MARY:
ugh
autocorrect again
u know what I mean
NEW PAINTER:
actually don’t know
growing concerned
pretty sure don’t want to know
sleeping now, good night
MARY:
I know u r not sleeping bc you have been texting me 4 past 20 mins
NEW PAINTER:
bc phone won’t stop dinging
MARY:
u still have ding for text tone???
NEW PAINTER:
let me guess u have a schwing
MARY:
pro boner joke
funny
u r a real funny guy
NEW PAINTER:
seriously, going to bed
have to be somewhere in morning
Then I got an idea. Not just a good idea, a great one. Better than my hook up Janet at our high school reunion idea, better than my schedule a gynecology appointment with my high school crush idea, even better than drinking a full bucket of beer and throwing sharp axes in a cage. I texted Gary again.
MARY:
I will help u
There was another really long pause. Then the dots appeared. Disappeared. Appeared again.
NEW PAINTER:
u want to help me?
MARY:
we can make deal
I help u with pro boner job
pro boner
pro boner
pro boner
wtf
pro b-o-n-o
then we talk after
deal?
NEW PAINTER:
if I say yes will you let me sleep
MARY:
yes
NEW PAINTER:
ok
text address in morning
MARY:
It’s a boing btw
NEW PAINTER:
huh?
MARY:
my text tone is a boing
like a cartoon spring
NEW PAINTER:
ha
MARY:
goodnight Gary
NEW PAINTER:
goodnight Mary
MARY:
goodnight Jim Bob
NEW PAINTER:
you are really weird
MARY:
no
just really drunk
I sent a couple more beer emojis and bear emojis for good measure, but Gary’s texts stopped. No little dots. No new messages. My battery was in the red, so I plugged my phone into the charger and got ready for bed.
Once again, Purrfect snuggled up next to me on my pillow. Apparently, it was our new routine. It wasn’t long before I fell into a deep sleep.
So deep that I didn’t hear my phone boing.
When I woke up the next morning, there was a new message waiting for me.
NEW PAINTER:
wear comfortable shoes