Chapter 12
Chapter Twelve
G ary pulled a handful of granola bars out of his cargo shorts. “Who’s hungry? Sorry, they may be a little melty.” I was hungry, but not hungry enough to eat melted food that came out of Gary’s pants. “At least take a water.” Gary pulled a couple of bottles from his pack.
I had been guzzling water all morning to mitigate the pounding in my head from the previous night’s hangover, but I still felt dehydrated. I downed the first bottle in a couple of big gulps. Gary handed me another.
“Thanks.”
“You know those are bad for the environment, Mary,” Karen noted. “You should really use reusable water bottles.” I considered pointing out that, technically, it wasn’t me who brought the Earth-destroying plastic water bottle, but I was pretty sure Karen would blame me, regardless.
While everyone else enjoyed a snack, I strolled over to the edge of the creek, sipping my sea turtle murdering water bottle. To Karen’s credit, there were indeed a lot of sticks and leaves in the creek and I didn’t see any poop floating by, beaver or otherwise. A bit of a breeze rustled the leaves and a blanket of shade shielded me from the sun. The water babbled as it splashed against the rocks. The air smelled like pine. I wondered if that was what relaxing felt like.
The reason I had stepped away from the group was to give myself time to think. I needed to get a moment alone with Gary, so I could convince him to help me with my plan. The plan? It was simple, really. Janet plus Gary equals Mary plus Jack.
You see, Janet and Gary should have been together from the beginning. Janet liked Gary back in high school, so there was already an attraction, or at least the potential to rekindle one. They were both nice. They were both kind of nerdy based on the Dungeons and Dragons thing. And best of all, Gary had a kid and Janet talked about having kids of her own one day all the time.
Really, the more I thought about it, the more I convinced myself they were perfect for each other. Almost as perfect together as me and Jack. If I could just convince Gary to go along with it, nature would take its course. I shut my eyes and concentrated, trying to decide what I would tell Gary when I cornered him.
“Having fun?”
Startled, I jumped. With my eyes closed, I didn’t realize Gary was behind me. Just as my body pitched forward, toward the brown murky creek, Gary grabbed my waist and pulled me back from the edge. My back sank into his chest and his arms wrapped around me.
“Sorry.” His voice was a whisper in my ear. “I didn’t mean to sneak up to you.”
I wiggled loose and turned to face him. My heart thumped in my ears. “What did you say?” I had been so busy trying to force myself to relax, I hadn’t heard him.
“I asked if you were having fun,” said Gary.
Fun was not the first word that came to mind, but I needed Gary on my side, so I played nice. “Well,” I said, “It doesn’t completely …” I pointed to the letters on my chest. S.U.K.C.
In the distance, we heard something that sounded like a cross between a growl and a honk. Only louder. And more reptilian.
“What is that?” I asked.
“Alligators,” Gary answered. “You might not want to stand so close to the water. It’s mating season.”
“Great, we’re in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by horny alligators. How do you even know that?”
“I was in scouts.”
“Of course you were.”
“I made Eagle Scout.”
“I’m sure that impressed all the girl scouts.”
Gary almost smiled. “You said you wanted to talk?”
“Well,” I said. “Remember the other day? You told me to say hi to Janet for you.”
“I did.” Gary nodded, confirming my recap of his request.
“So I did that. I told her. I told Janet you said hi.” That was as far into my plan as I had gotten before Gary almost made me fall into the horny alligator inhabited creek.
“Thanks for telling her,” said Gary. “And, um, did she say anything back?”
“She said to say hi to you, too.”
“Thanks for relaying her greeting,” Gary said.
“You’re welcome,” I replied.
Karen made a huffing noise and kept glancing at her watch. As if looking at it repeatedly would make time speed up.
“Was that all?” Gary asked.
“No.”
“What else then?”
“Is there a bathroom around here?”
“Janet asked you to ask me about a bathroom?
“No, Janet didn’t ask about a bathroom, I’m asking.” I started doing a potty dance, which involved angling your knees toward one another and bouncing up and down on the balls of your feet. After consuming two dolphin strangling plastic water bottles, I really really had to pee and the flowing water of the creek wasn’t helping.
Gary pointed to the creek. “You could pretend you’re a beaver.”
“Hilarious. I’m being serious. I really have to go.”
“You see that tree over there? Or that one. Also that bush.” Gary randomly pointed at various trees, bushes, and shrubs. None of which looked like an acceptable bathroom.
“Sure, it’s easy for you boys. You just unzip your fly and whip it out.”
“It’s not really a whipping motion,” said Gary. “It’s more of a gentle gathering and positioning. It’s not like you’re wrangling a fire hose that’s flailing about.”
“Maybe not in your case. You know they make little blue pills for that.”
“Trust me. I don’t need any pills.” Our eyes snagged. Like a swath of tangled vines in the middle of a forest and a pair of untied shoe laces on a pair of hiking boots. A flash of warmth crept all the way up my spine, where it pooled in the creases around my neck.
“Good for you then.” I looked into the trees, which grew thicker and more tangled as they went deeper off the trail. “I’m not going in there. There are probably spiders.”
“There are definitely spiders.”
“And snakes.” I looked at the surrounding ground to make sure one of them wasn’t slithering up on us right then and there.
Gary nodded. “Snakes and spiders, for sure. But you should really be more concerned with the bears and the wild pigs.”
“Wild pigs?” It was like we were taking a nature walk through a National Geographic documentary.
Gary pointed to a patch of mud along the bank of the creek on the other side. It looked like a tribe of preschoolers armed with pails and shovels had attempted to create a replica of the grand canyon. “They dig up the dirt to find grubs.”
“Okay,” I said. “So let’s just play this out. Let’s say I go over there behind that bush. I pull down my pants. I squat down. I start to pee. You following along so far?”
“Unfortunately.”
“A wild pig comes along, catches me with my pants down, literally. What would a former Eagle Scout have me do?”
“Not former. Once a scout, always a scout.” I was not at all surprised. “Drawing upon my Eagle Scout expertise, I would suggest you stand up and make yourself as large as possible. Raise your arms. Try to look intimidating.”
I narrowed my eyes and pursed my lips.
“Exactly. Just like that.” Gary continued, “Just don’t be threatening. Especially if it’s a momma hog and has babies. They can be very aggressive if they feel threatened, especially when they’re protecting their young.”
“So intimidating, but not threatening.”
“Exactly.” Gary nodded. “Now if’s a bear, lie down in the fetal position and slather yourself with honey. That way, the rest of us have more time to escape.”
“Can I at least pull my pants up first?”
Gary shrugged. “Your funeral.”
* * *
At Karen’s insistence, we “picked up our pace.” That’s when I learned that the only thing more fun that walking through nature is walking through nature at a picked up pace. Somewhere along trail “E”, she stopped asking for input on the checklist, and just entered the answers herself.
Deeper into the woods, we came to a three-way intersection. The “F” trail wound to the left. The “G” trail twisted to the right. Trail “H” pointed straight ahead. The woods were quieter here. The trees were darker. It felt like the middle of nowhere.
“I think we should take ‘F’,” Karen said decisively.
Gary’s Eagle Scout instincts were kicking in. I could see it in his eyes. “I’m not sure,” he said. “I think ‘G’ is a more direct route.”
Just to keep things interesting, I said, “We should totally do ‘H’.”
“Hey, I’ve got an idea,” Karen said, pressing her hands together like she was about to lead us all into prayer. “Why don’t we divide and conquer? Gary and I can go ‘F’. And Mary, you can go straight to ‘H’.” Karen gave me another one of her prize worthy smiles.
“Hey, here’s another idea,” I said. “How about if Gary and I go ‘H’, and Karen, you can go ‘F’ yourself?”
Gary’s eyes widened and his cheeks puffed out as he pressed his lips. He looked like he had just blown out of an airlock in space and had to hold his breath.
“I want to go with her,” said Kyle.
I looked over, and to my surprise, Kyle pointed at me. “You want to come with me?” I looked at Gary for help.
But Gary only smiled and said, “Okay with me.”
Karen had her hands on her hips. “Well Gary, what’s it going to be, ‘F’ with me or ‘H’ with Mary?”
“I’m going ‘G’,” Gary said, then marched down the trail to the right by himself. Without looking back, he said, “Try to be back before dark. And watch out for alligators. And wild hogs. And bears.” His voice trailed off in the distance. “Maybe panthers.”
Once Gary disappeared into the trees, Karen and I squared off, feet firmly planted, hands clenched on our hips. No words were needed. The stakes were clear. First one back to the nature center would be the winner. The winner of what, exactly? I wasn’t sure. But the prize didn’t matter. Beating Karen was all that did.
“Come on, Cary,” Karen grabbed her daughter’s arm and practically yanked her off her feet. Cary yelped. They disappeared down the trail at an even greater “picked up” pace.
Kyle and I stayed where we were, watching them go. “They’re totally going to kick our asses,” I said.
“I know,” Kyle agreed.
“Why’d you want to come with me, anyway?” I started hiking down trail “H”, Kyle on my heels.
“You’re funny,” he said after a few moments. “And weird.”
“Didn’t you want to hang out with your girlfriend? What’s her name? Cary?”
“She’s not my girlfriend.” We continued walking. He didn’t say anything to me, and I didn’t say anything to him. We just soaked in the peace and quiet of the forest.
“Sorry about the girlfriend comment back there,” I said after we walked a bit more. “I didn’t mean girlfriend like girlfriend girlfriend. I meant, why didn’t you want to go with your friend, who happens to be a girl?”
“She’s not my friend.” Then, after a quiet pause, he said, “She doesn’t even like me.”
“What makes you think she doesn’t like you?”
“She said I was gross.”
“Why did she say that?”
“I don’t know.”
“Were you picking your nose or something?”
“No.”
“Were you scratching your butt?”
“No.”
“Sniffing your butt?”
“No.”
“Sniffing her butt?”
“You’re weird.”
“You said that already.”
We continued walking down the trail at a leisurely pace, much less “picked up” than before. Kyle didn’t seem to be in any hurry, so I followed his lead. Turns out he was formulating questions. After a long spell of more silence, he asked, “Are you my dad’s girlfriend?”
I had just taken a sip of water and sprayed it all out in front of me.
“Oh no, no way,” I answered. “Absolutely not.”
“So you’re just his friend, that’s a girl.”
“I’m not entirely sure about that either.”
“You’re not sure if you’re a girl?”
“I’m definitely a girl. A woman technically.”
“So you’re not his friend?” Kyle frowned.
“No. I mean yes. Sort of. We’re friendly-ish. It’s complicated.”
“Weird.”
We kept walking. Then I had an idea. Perhaps this was my opportunity to get a little more background info on Gary. Info I could use to help me with my plan to set him up with Janet.
“So your dad, does he have another girlfriend?”
“No.”
“Does he ever have a girlfriend?”
“I don’t think so.”
“What about your mom?”
“She’s not here anymore.”
“So you just live with your dad?”
Kyle nodded.
“Do you ever visit your mom?”
Kyle shrugged. “Some times. My dad takes me to see her.”
“I see.”
“How long have they been div…,” I remembered to choose my words wisely. The kid was only eight, and he seemed a bit sensitive. Especially after the whole girlfriend thing. “How long has your mom been gone?”
“Since I was a baby.”
“Sorry. That sucks. My mom went away when I was twelve.” It’s never easy on a kid when their parents split, no matter how young or old.
We continued walking in silence for a long time after that. Eventually, I could see the green roof of the nature center just ahead, over the tops of the trees.
Before we reached the end of our journey, Kyle stopped. He clearly had something else he wanted to say.
“What is it?” I asked.
“I think my dad needs a girlfriend,” he said.
I had thought he was going to ask how many points we were going to get on the scavenger hunt quiz or ask me to change the brown water answer back to beaver poop. I wasn’t expecting that at all. “How come you think that?”
“He’s by himself a lot. That makes him sad. And then that makes me sad.”
“Yeah. I was actually just thinking I might be able to help with that.”
“Really?”
I said, “I’m certainly going to try.”
We continued walking toward the cabin. After a few more steps, I felt his hand grab hold of mine.
* * *
When we got back to the nature center, Gary, Karen, and Cary were already there, waiting. Karen gave me her biggest smile yet, a victory smile. Honestly, I didn’t even care.
“I guess I can call off the search parties,” Gary said. “We were starting to worry.” I could tell by the look on Karen’s face that the term “we” did not include her.
Regardless, I decided to play nice. “Did you turn in the checklist yet? Did we get our prize?”
That’s when Ranger Sarah walked up, checklist in hand. “Hey there team, looks like you forgot to finish one of the questions. We need all the answers before I can give you your prize.”
“I thought we got them all,” Karen said. “What question is it?”
Ranger Sarah pointed at the checklist. “What do mosquitoes, ticks, and leeches all have in common?”
I looked over at Gary. He looked over at me, the tears already brimming in his eyes. In order to keep from laughing, he was biting down on his lower lip. I surreptitiously caught Kyle’s attention, and then pointed at the letters on my shirt, mouthing each one in turn. “S.U.K.C.”
Kyle turned to Ranger Sarah and raised his hand.
“Yes, Kyle?” asked Ranger Sarah.
“They all suck?”
Karen’s entire body clenched. If I could have wedged a piece of coal up her ass, I would have gotten myself a diamond.
“Way to go!” Ranger Sarah gave Kyle a high five. Then she passed out our prizes. An annual pass so we could repeat the nature walk again and again all year round as many times as we wanted.
* * *
As everyone was getting ready to leave, saying their goodbyes, Gary pulled me aside. “Thank you for coming,” he said. “I appreciated the help. Really.”
“No problem,” I said.
“Kyle seems to really like you.”
“He’s not so bad himself. For a kid, I mean.”
Across the parking lot, the kids and chaperones started loading on to the bus. “That’s my ride. I guess I better go.” Gary lingered a moment longer. “Did you really come out here just to tell me you told Janet I said hi?”
Forced to confront the truth of my intentions, I suddenly realized how utterly ridiculous I had been. Did I actually believe I could pull off a matchmaking plan that would cause anything other than broken hearts and mass destruction? I wasn’t a matchmaker. I was a match breaker. There was no way I had any business meddling in other people’s relationships. I couldn’t even handle a relationship of my own.
“Mary? Is that really all you wanted?” Gary was waiting for an answer. I could see Karen eyeing us from a bus window. She was breathing so hard she was fogging up the glass.
I mean, seriously. So what if Janet had a crush on Gary back in high school? It had been twenty years. Janet had changed a lot in the past twenty years. Clearly, so had Gary.
“Well,” I said.
The idea that they would just magically hit it off, so Janet would forget all about Jack, was insane. Ludicrous.
“Well?” Gary frowned.
To pull something like that off would require master planning. Precise execution.
“Mary?” Gary stood there waiting.
Gary and I would have to be joined at the hip for weeks. Plotting and planning. Day and night.
“What else were you going to talk to me about?”
And we would have to get started immediately, before things with Janet and Jack progressed. It was a long shot, sure. But look at what was at stake. People’s lives were on the line. Okay, maybe not their lives, per se, but their love life for certain.
The bus honked, and Karen stepped down to the bottom step by the door. “Gary, everyone’s waiting!”
Could I really just sit back and watch? We’re talking long-term happiness here. Quality of life. Fulfillment. Life partner stuff. Really, if you thought about it, it was my duty, my responsibility to intervene. What kind of friend would I be if I just sat back and watched Janet throw her life away?
And then what about Kyle? An innocent child. Really, he’s the one who sealed the deal. He was concerned about his father being lonely. Would I just ignore the suffering of a child? When there was the perfect woman just waiting for him, standing there right in front of his face?
Gary waved his palm in front of my face. “Maaar-yyy. Hello? Anybody home?”
That’s when I made my final decision. I was going to go all-in. No turning back.
“Mary, I’ve got to go. Was there something else you wanted to say?”
I put my hand on Gary’s arm and took a deep breath. It looked like he was holding his. “There was one more thing I wanted to ask you,” I told him.
Gary still looked like he was holding his breath. “Ask me then. Ask me anything.”
So I asked him. “What are you doing tonight?”
My battle with the universe was just getting started. And it was time for me to start putting points on the board.