Chapter 24
Chapter Twenty-Four
O n our way back to Gary’s tent, we had to pass through a gauntlet of vendors and solicitors, handing out pamphlets and flyers for various charities and events.
“Would you like a free credit score review?” Someone tried to hand me a flyer.
“No thank you, we’re good.”
“Let me tell you how solar panels can cut your electric bill by eighty-six percent.”
“I think we’ll pass.”
“Can you take a moment to save the whales?”
I pushed the clipboard out of my face. “No, I don’t want to save the whales,” I snapped.
“What do you have against whales?” Gary asked.
“I have nothing against whales. My funnel cake is getting cold.” I started marching back toward the tent, but Gary hadn’t moved. He had a look on his face that reminded me of that little blue bird again. Bracing for a coming storm. “What’s wrong?”
“That day in the grocery store, you asked me what my best trait was. Remember?”
“I guess.” I had done my best to erase that total disaster from my memory.
“What do you think it is?”
“What do I think what is?”
“My best trait.”
Out on the lake, the sounds of laughter provided a welcome distraction. I watched for a moment as a man and woman climbed into a swan boat; the man taking the woman gently by the hand. “I don’t know,” I said, trying my best not to look Gary in the eye.
“I mean, there has to be something about me that Janet is supposed to like, right?”
“Can we talk about this later? I told you, the funnel cakes are getting cold.” Looking down at the three plates, the ice cream was already melting, and the sprinkles were sliding off the top.
Gary didn’t budge.
“Fine,” I said. “You want to know your best trait? I’ll tell you your best trait.” But the thoughts swirling in my head were about as coherent as the melting ice cream. “You said it was your personality, right? Back in the grocery store?”
Gary nodded.
“I suppose you have a pretty good personality.”
“You said personality wasn’t important.”
“Well, no, what I meant was, personality is important, in an established relationship, just not in the initial, you know, attraction phase.”
“Attraction phase? Is that the phase we’re in now?” There was a bit of a twinkle in Gary’s eye.
I tried to steady my accelerating heartbeat, but my cheeks flamed in bright scarlet despite my best efforts. “I think we blew right past the attraction phase. Now we’re in the ... retraction phase, when you try to figure out how to undo everything that went wrong.”
It took more willpower than it should have to pull my eyes away from him. I tried to focus on a pair of swans swimming side by side out on the lake. When I turned back toward him, Gary still hadn’t looked away. And the twinkle was still twinkling.
“Why are you looking at me like that?”
“Like what?”
“Like you have something to tell me.”
“I do.” Gary paused for a moment, but kept staring at me. “You still have some Teriyaki Sriracha dip on the corner of your lip.” Gary batted his grey green whirlpool. My heart started doing round off back handsprings inside my chest and every molecule in my skin fizzed like a shaken up can of ginger ale.
“So that’s it then?” asked Gary. “I have to rely on my personality?” The look on his face pinned me to the sidewalk. Curiosity. Amusement. Danger. He reminded me of the way Purrfect looked when I caught her toying with a lizard she caught on the pool deck. Enjoying a little pre-meal entertainment.
“Well, no, the situation isn’t that bad,” I said, distracting myself with a pair of swans gliding across the lake. “I mean, you’re nice too. You’re not bad looking.”
“You think I’m not bad looking?” Gary’s Cupid’s bow twitched and his front teeth grazed over his bottom lip.
I had to clear my throat to keep from coughing. “It doesn’t matter what I think,” I said, avoiding a direct answer to his question. “It matters what Janet thinks. She’s the only one that matters.”
“Janet.” Gary’s eyes widened.
“Yes, Janet,” I repeated.
“No, Janet.” Now he was pointing.
“Huh?”
Gary pointed behind me. “Janet’s here.”
I spun around to peer at Janet, passing out pink pamphlets in the line of pamphlet pushers to each passerby. From what I could tell, she hadn’t seen us yet.
“What do we do?” Gary’s voice dropped to a whisper, even though Janet was at least twenty yards away.
“I don’t know?” I whispered back. Run? Hide? Go back and sign up for a whale saving expedition to Antarctica? I couldn’t let Janet see Gary and me together. The last thing I wanted was for Janet to get any more crazy ideas that Gary and I were anything more than friends. If Janet saw Gary and me together, the plan would be ruined. I might as well just book my passage to Antarctica and hurl myself into the path of the first harpoon I could find.
“Mary?” A man’s voice called my name, but it wasn’t Gary’s voice.
Slowly, I turned.
Jack stood in front of me with a stack of pink papers under his arm. Apparently the same flyers Janet was distributing. His eyes drifted down my body, settling on my feet. “How’s the ankle?”
“Better,” I said. “Thanks.”
Jack turned to Gary. “You look familiar.”
“We went to the same high school,” Gary explained.
“Larry?”
“Gary.”
“The dungeon dude.” Jack’s eyes drifted between us. Back and forth. Back and forth. “Are you two …”
“Friends,” I said. “Just friends.”
“Good for you.” Jack clapped Gary on his back, almost launching him into the lake.
“That’s a lot of funnel cake.”
I remembered I was still carrying an armful of funnel cake, the ice cream now completely melted.
“She didn’t eat breakfast,” Gary explained.
“Hey Janet,” Jack called. “Look who’s here!” Jack waved Janet over.
When Janet saw me standing there with Gary, she handed the rest of her pink papers to the whale woman and bolted our way.
“Mary! Gary!” Janet scooped me up in one of her signature hugs. Then it was Gary’s turn. She wrapped her arms around him and plowed her breasts into his chest. “What are you two doing here?” Janet purred, her eyes darting back-and-forth between Gary and me.
“Gary’s an artist,” I said. Somehow, my hand ended up on Gary’s arm, but I wasn’t sure how it got there. “He has his own tent and everything.”
“Ooh, an artist, that’s amazing,” said Janet.
Jack seemed less impressed. “Let me guess, dragon and wizard stuff?”
Gary pursed his lips. “I paint landscapes.”
“Oh, so like flowers. And trees,” Janet guessed.
“Sometimes mountains.” I saw Gary cast a sideways glance at Jack and brace himself, like he was expecting Jack to come over and give him a wedgie.
“Well, good for you,” said Janet. “Artistic expression is a great way to get in touch with your inner feelings.”
“Way to touch those feelings, dude.” Jack clapped Gary on the back again. I thought I heard his spine crack.
“You should see some of his stuff.” I pointed toward Gary’s tent. “He’s fantastic.”
“I’d love to,” said Janet, as she patted his arm in the same spot where my hand had just been.
“What’s with all the flyers?” Gary pointed to the stack of pink papers still in Jack’s hands.
“Jack’s helping me hand out flyers for the bookstore,” said Janet.
“Here.” Jack handed Gary a pink flyer, as if to show their technique. “This sounds like your kind of thing, Larry.” Even though surviving puberty may have transformed Gary from a small boy into a capable man, standing next to Jack, he seemed to shrink back inside himself.
“Yes Gary, you should come,” said Janet. “And bring Mary with you.” Janet gave me a wink. I gave Janet a bird.
Jack handed me a flyer, too. “You two should definitely come. Janet and I are going to be there.”
When I looked down at the pink paper, the first thing I saw was an illustration of a scaled dragon, wings aloft and breathing fire. Below it, an armored knight deflected the flames with his shield.
Dungeons & Dragons Night
The Book Belle
Thursday 8pm
Gary and I stared at the flyer. Then at each other. Back to the flyer. Then each other again. I could tell we were both trying to stifle a smile.
“Maybe there will be a chance for gladiatorial combat,” Gary said.
“Or jousting,” I added.
“Anything’s possible,” Janet said. “That’s what’s so fun about role playing. You can do whatever you want. So you think you can make it?”
Gary beat me to it. “It’s a date.”
Jack and Janet followed us back to Gary’s tent. Along the way, we passed a man selling homemade salsas and hot sauces and a woman in an aloha shirt making tropical fruit smoothies served out of hollowed out coconuts. As we turned down the path that branched toward the artist’s section, I spotted a man selling pet supplies, so we stopped. I browsed through the hand knitted dog sweaters, bedazzled collars, and chew toys made of caribou antlers.
“Hey Mary, look.” Gary held up a cat sized pink bandana spotted with stars and embroidered with the letters PURR-FECT. “It’s perfect.”
“No,” I corrected him. “Puuuuuurrrrfect.” After completing the purchase, I told Gary, “She’s going to hate it.”
“When you put it on her, you should get portraits done. Use them for your Christmas cards or something.”
“That would be perfect,” I agreed.
“No,” Gary corrected. “Puuuuuurrrrfect.”
* * *
When we got back to the tent, Gary asked Michelle and Joan if any customers came by while we were gone. Michelle looked at Gary as if he had sprouted a second head. I passed them their funnel cakes, which were now piles of soggy fried dough soaked through with melted ice cream.
Janet floated amongst the racks that displayed Gary’s work, her mouth agape in amazement. “Wow, look at all the paintings! You did all this?”
Gary nodded.
“These are fantastic!”
Jack remained outside Gary’s tent, his attention focused on the paintings of rainbow sliding unicorns instead. The tent that also contained the rainbow sliding unicorn artist, who was currently bent over in a short leather skirt, packaging up another sale. The mermaid tattoo on her inner thigh was on full display.
When Jack noticed me noticing him, he quickly shifted his attention back to Gary’s work. “Yeah Lare, super cool.” He made an effort to browse through a few of the paintings. “Lots of trees. And flowers.”
Janet said. “Jack, you should buy one.”
Jack wrinkled his nose. “You want me to buy a painting?”
“You don’t have to do that,” Gary said.
Janet shook her head. “No, he wants to, right Jack?”
Jack made his best attempt at a smile. “Right. Sure. I think they’re great.”
“Which one do you want?” Janet’s face was aglow.
“I don’t know, you pick,” said Jack.
“Which one speaks to you?” Janet asked.
The look on Jack’s face clarified that none of the paintings spoke to him. Except maybe the rainbow sliding unicorn paintings, because I noticed his eyes kept drifting that way.
“Jack, you really don’t have to buy anything.” Turning to Janet, Gary said, “Take whichever one you want, Janet. It’s on me.”
Janet waved him off. “Don’t be ridiculous. Jack can afford it.” Taking Jack’s hand and pulling him deeper into the tent, Janet asked, “Which one do you think?”
Jack looked like Janet was making him choose which of his limbs to sever with a rusted hacksaw. “Fine.” Jack pointed to the first painting he saw, the one directly in front of him. “How about that one?”
It was Last Flight.
“Yes! I love it!” Janet clapped her hands with glee. “Especially the little blue bird. He’s soooo cute!”
Gary tried to intervene. “Actually, that one’s already taken. I was going to give it to Mary.”
“Ah,” Janet smiled at me and winked. “Gary’s giving you one of his paintings, huh?”
“No,” I blurted. “Gary’s not giving me anything.” I liked the painting, sure, but what I did not like was the look on Janet’s face. She was clearly beginning to think there was something going on between Gary and me, which would only make matters worse. I had to do whatever it took to keep the plan on track. “You should take it, Janet. It would look perfect in your place. Maybe Gary could come over and help you hang it on the wall.”
“Actually,” said Janet, “I was thinking Jack could put it in his office.”
“You were?” Jack wrinkled his nose.
“You can put it in one of the exam rooms. That way your patients will have something nice to look at while you’re, you know …” Janet pointed at my crotch. “While you’re examining their hoo-haw.” I don’t know why she chose my crotch for a visual reference point. And who the hell calls it a ‘hoo-haw?’
“Great,” Gary put on a smile, but his tone reminded me of the dark clouds in the painting. Under his breath, he mumbled, “Just what every artist dreams of.”
When Jack and Janet weren’t looking, I slid in beside Gary and wrapped my hand around his arm. “It’s okay,” I whispered. “You can paint me a new one.” I could feel the muscle in his forearm tense.
When he turned to look at me, his mood seemed to have brightened. Like the glimmer of yellow in the swirling dark skies. “Deal.”
As Gary was wrapping Last Flight in bubble wrap, and Jack was reluctantly pulling out his wallet, Jack said, “So Lare, did you get roped into going to this engagement party thing too?”
“Engagement party?” Gary looked confused. Which was understandable. Because he didn’t know about the engagement party. I hadn’t told him. The last thing I wanted to deal with was Jack and Gary at the same event, in the same room. My plan was to divide and conquer, not combine, and have a nervous breakdown.
Jack continued, “Yeah. Some old couple, Mary and Janet, play pickleball with.”
Gary looked at me sideways, eyes boring into me. “I never got an invitation.”
“I figured you wouldn’t be interested.” I picked at my funnel cake, which was so drenched with melted ice cream it disintegrated when I poked it with my plastic fork.
“Yeah, well, I don’t blame you.” Jack handed Gary a hundred-dollar bill. “Karaoke night. It’s going to be a nightmare.”
“Yeah, see? Karaoke night.” Looking up at Gary, I said, “You’d be miserable.”
“What are you talking about, Mary?” Janet helped Gary tape the last piece of bubble wrap around the frame. “Gary was the captain of the Glee Club back in high school.” Damn it, I had forgotten about that. “Hey Gary, remember our duet?”
A sly smile crept over Gary’s face. “How could I forget?”
A weird feeling settled in my stomach. At first I thought it might have been too much dip sampling. But then I realized the uneasy queasiness in my stomach wasn’t the Habanero Lime. Or the Chipotle Avocado. Even Horseradish Crab. It was dread. Things were spinning out of control, and I wasn’t sure I was going to be able to wrangle the chaos. I felt like a circus clown juggling meat cleavers while riding a unicycle on a tightrope over a cage of tigers.
“Well,” I said. “Even if he wanted to come, he can’t. I’m sure Gary has to get home to Kyle. You know how hard it is to find a good babysitter these days.”
“Actually, Kyle has a sleepover at his friend’s house tonight, so I’m good,” said Gary.
“Then it’s settled,” Janet declared.
“Sorry dude.” Jack hit Gary with another back clap.