Chapter 63
CHAPTER SIXTY-THREE
The mementos you collect over time tell a story not about your taste but about your history. Don’t try to manipulate them to match your space, but allow your space to organically grow from them.
—Beautiful Today
Back at my apartment, I drop another box of pizza as well as the box of things I needed from my mother’s on the counter with a thud. The overwhelming feeling I endured as I sorted through my mother’s possessions sent me rushing to the bathroom to puke up my breakfast more than once.
Then I found the letter in her toy box, which struck me as exactly what my mother would ask Paige to do to alleviate my tension at such a horrible time. For a moment, it made me recall what it was like when I confessed to her that I had feelings beyond friendship for Ethan.
“Mama, I don’t know what to do.” I buried my face in my upturned knees. “We just started out as friendly acquaintances.”
“When did it become more—for you, that is.”
“When Austyn was hurt. We leaned on each other and I got to see this side of him I didn’t know was there.” Relaxing back, I explain. “Ethan’s always so self-contained. He’d do anything for anyone, but rarely does he let his walls down.”
“And he did with you? It made you feel needed, wanted?”
I nod. “It showed me the kind of man I want.”
“Is it the kind of man you want or is he the man you want?”
“I’ve thought of that. I haven’t met anyone else who comes close to making me feel the same way.”
She draws back a little before smirking at me. “Not even the art TA?”
I groan, recalling the fact I told her about the scorching sex I had after I modeled nude. “There are times I regret oversharing with you.”
She pulled me tight against her side. “I don’t. I cherish every single gray hair you’ve given me.”
I burst into laughter before squeezing her so hard she protests. “Me too, Mama.”
Her hand tangles in my ponytail. “Does Ethan know how you feel?”
“Not that I’m aware of.” Wryly, I add, “I’m certain he’d go running for the hills if he did.”
She hummed. Silence descended between us and Mama rocked me back and forth. Something poked at my skin. I grumbled, “Ow! What’s that?”
Mama blushed. “Nothing you need to worry about, young lady.”
I groan. “Mama, I just confessed to having some pretty significant feelings for a man twenty years my senior. Is there a taboo topic between us?”
“Well, sweetheart, let’s just say that’s the box you want to immediately dispose of in the event of…”
“Stop.”
“But, Fallon, I thought there was no such thing as a taboo topic?” Mama intones innocently. Too innocently.
I glare into eyes that are the exact shade of my own. “I really don’t want to know about your preferred toys.”
She tugs me closer. “A later conversation perhaps when you’re not in the middle of an existential crisis?”
Now, I’m holding a letter that came from that very box because Paige reminded me I needed to open it and properly dispose of the contents before the estate people went through every nook and cranny to price my mother’s life. “That’s not something you want them finding, sweetheart.”
It wasn’t. And yet, due to her and my mother’s shenanigans, my mother’s words may be what gets me through tonight after my confrontation with Ethan. Leaving all the rest of the combined frames and documents I need to sort through on the counter before I meet with the probate attorneys tomorrow, I snatch it up and head into the living room to read it.
A few seconds later, my legs are tucked beneath me and my finger has slit the envelope open. I’m taken aback when I lift the multiple pages out, knowing my mother wasn’t strong enough at the end. “When did she write this?” I ask the empty room.
I soon find out she had an accomplice.
My darling, Fallon,
Forgive my ramblings.
You’re only a few miles down the road at work as I ask Paige to pen this for me. As your mother, I couldn’t be more proud of you and all you’ve accomplished. I need you to know that, to believe it. Wherever you are in your life when you’re reading this, please understand you are a gift and from the moment you were born, I have loved you from the very core of my heart.
No matter where I am, or what you are doing, I am so proud of the woman you are, Fallon. I truly am.
As I’m speaking, I can see the vast mountains from my hospice bed. They’re waiting for me—a reminder they took your father from us far too many years ago. Yet, they’re also telling me a story of endurance—that you’ll survive after I’m long gone. Staring at the mountains offers a sense of people I know I’m never going to experience again except in the precious few moments when you’re telling me you love me.
It’s nowhere near as much as I love you.
My heart is in tatters that I made you suffer this alone now that Paige and Austyn are here. How could I do this to you, Fallon? Because my pride was in shreds? What malarkey. Yet, you shouldered this burden alone. From what Paige says, not even Ethan knows.
If you haven’t told him, you should.
There’s no place for pride in love, my Fallon. It’s one of the many reasons I’m grateful you never took after either your father or me in that regard. Oh, I’ve encouraged you to be a strong, hard-headed, determined woman who has no qualms about going after what she wants, but to be too stubborn to ask for help? Your father would have been much like me, refusing to ask for help. Still, I hope he forgives me when I see him again for adding to your burden. He will be furious with me for not allowing you to share your pain. He would never have stood for such foolishness. He may have been a prideful man, but he was a good one.
Much like your Ethan is.
Despite you thinking you can keep a secret, I know how you accrued the money to supplement my treatment, Fallon. As I dictate this letter to Paige, tears fall down my face. I’m humbled my grown daughter would go to such lengths to save my life. You could be jeopardizing your future, but that doesn’t matter to you.
I do, I matter because you love me.
I know you’re likely wondering how I found out. It’s not that hard, sweetheart. Your boss—Florence?—came by to see me after you went to get food the other day. She wanted to reassure me any debt would be canceled out after…well, after.
I must confess, darling, I’m concerned about your working conditions—and judging by Paige’s face, so is she. But, going on my gut instinct, I trust this Florence to hold her promise to me and you.
After she left, Paige started talking about your strength and heart. We both agree, you have a soul that deserves to fly, to soar. She reassured me she’d help you however you may need it.
If nothing else, she relieved my mind, as she knew it would.
There are other letters you’ll receive when the time is right, but for now, I want to talk to you about what happens after.
Loving after death.
It’s both horribly simplistic and beautifully difficult—I need you to keep holding on to life. Long before I got ill, I made up a list of things I wanted to see in my life. I almost got through them.
Watch Fallon ride a bike.
Watch her go to her prom.
See her graduate high school.
Be at her college graduation.
Meet the man she’s in love with.
The only ones I won’t be able to check off are walking you down the aisle and meeting any future grandchildren, should that be your path in life.
Don’t hide yourself away, my Fallon. Don’t. Make up your own list of all the things you want from your life. Then live after me. Live for me. Live the way I lived for your father even when there were days I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to lift my head off the pillow until you stood at my side and asked me if I was hungry. Live to find love. Live for love. Live because you love.
Above all, Fal? Live for you. Fall in love with yourself. Having loved you almost a quarter of a century, I know you’re worth the greatest love there is.
Eternal.
I have to end this now, darling. I’m tired. Sometimes, the exhaustion is unbearable. Still, if there was one person I’d continue to fight for, it would be you.
Know I’ll be waiting to give you a hug in the after. So will your father.
All my love. Always.
Mama.
By the time I’m done, tears are dripping down my face. I lay my mother’s precious words to the side and do what I’ve wanted to do since I woke up this morning.
I let loose all the emotion bottled up inside me. It’s too much for me to handle on my own. I cry because I lost my mother. I cry because I lost Ethan.
And I cry because I’m certain about what to do next. I unblock Ethan. Despite everything, he is Austyn’s uncle and there will be times he may need to get a hold of me. Even if we imploded, we’ll always have a connection through her.
But that’s it.
It’s time to find out who Fallon Brookes is without Ethan Kensington in her life.