Chapter 29 #2
I still can’t believe I nearly let that happen. It hasn’t made things awkward between us, but it’s made things complicated for me. Because clearly my head and my heart might be in two different places, and I need to get them back on the same page.
“Whatever.” He sighs, twirling his spoon around his soup. “Since you’re so hell-bent on not letting me help you, the least you can do is come watch me pitch tomorrow.”
My body freezes at the suggestion. I’ve gone to Ian’s games plenty of times in the past since he signed with Detroit, but that was before I got pregnant with his enemy’s baby. I can’t see a good ending to all three of us being in such close proximity.
I want to tell Ian I can’t go, but he knows I’m not busy training right now and I don’t work on weekends, so I really have no excuse to say no.
“I’ll be there.” I give him my best smile, a fake one, but my best.
“When you get there—”
“Ask for Thomas and he’ll bring me to my seat. I know.”
“And be careful, you never know where a ball will go,” he adds, a look of concern on his face.
While it’s my inclination to roll my eyes and say I’ll be fine because he knows I can take care of myself, I don’t. My brother means well and I hate arguing with him. Instead, I smile softly and say, “I’ll be careful. Don’t worry. What’s new with you?”
“Same old, same old. Baseball, sleep, repeat,” he replies before taking a bite of his sandwich.
His response makes me sad because I used to be the same.
And while I enjoyed having my entire focus on gymnastics, now that I’m pregnant, I’ve been forced to realize that there’s more to life.
Like how fun it is to explore new things such as baking, even though I suck at it.
Or how having a family changes your perspective on things, making you focus on something other than yourself as they now come first.
“Do you ever wish for more?” I ask him because while we are close, he doesn’t ever speak much about his desires for a family or partner.
To be fair, neither of us has, seeing as our lives’ focus thus far has been on our careers. But with my recent shift in perspective, I want to know what his thoughts are.
He sets his sandwich down, wiping his fingers with a napkin. “What more could I need? I’m playing the sport I love. The team is projected to make the playoffs. My sister is having a baby.”
“Isn’t there something you want, though, just for you?”
“Yeah, to win the World Series. I’ve yet to do that.”
I groan as I stab my fork into my salad, take a bite, then say, “You really don’t want to settle down or have a family?”
“Did you?” he fires back.
He’s right. Before finding out I was accidentally pregnant, having a family wasn’t in my future plans. It’s not something I ever thought I would have or want, but now, I can’t wait to have my own little family.
“No, I didn’t,” I admit. “But I’m learning that sometimes there’s more to life than work.”
“Well, until I find something I love as much as baseball, I’ll let you know. For now, it’s me and baseball ‘til I die.” He winks playfully at his rhyme, taking another bite of his grilled cheese.
I hope someone knocks him on his ass one day.
To see him open up and care about something other than himself, me and baseball.
We grew up with the same mindset, to work our asses off.
But I have to say, it’s so freeing not to be thinking about work all the time.
I now make plans for the future, talk to my friends more often, and take time to do things that bring me joy.
All things that I want him to experience, and I think it might take a special someone to come into his life to make him see that.
“Talking about family… Does Mom know you’re pregnant?” he asks, his eyes inquisitive on mine, his tone more serious than it was minutes ago.
“What do you think?” I retort as I push around a piece of lettuce.
I know we should be able to talk about her, but I just hate the sinking feeling in my stomach I get every time I’m reminded that she left us.
“She didn’t even call when they announced my retirement and I definitely don’t plan on reaching out first.”
He chuckles in disbelief. “I guess nothing she does should ever surprise me anymore.”
Me neither. Although I’m not surprised she hasn’t reached out, it still feels shitty. Everything about my mom does. From her ability to leave her kids behind to live her own life to failed promised visits and empty words.
I haven’t even met Blueberry yet and I could never imagine myself doing that to them. But maybe my mom never felt like she didn’t want to be a parent while she was pregnant and made that decision after having us.
I don’t know what’s worse, but I’d rather not know.
“Hey,” my brother said, placing a hand over mine, clearly sensing my thoughts. “I know we didn’t grow up with the most ideal parents, but I want you to know that I think you’re going to be an amazing mother,” he says sincerely, the corner of his eyes crinkling as his face lifts with a smile.
“Thank you,” I reply softly, feeling his support comfort me from the inside out. It gives me confidence in myself that I can do this and be better than my mom ever was or will be.
While I may not know a lot about being a parent, I know being there and caring for my kid already puts me ahead of my own.
And I plan on giving this baby everything I never got to experience with my own mom and more.
What I missed out on is my driving force to be the best mom I can.
No matter what.