Chapter 18 Janie
EIGHTEEN
Janie
I wake up to light in my eyes—Christmas lights to be exact. For a moment, I just lie there listening to Rourke’s heartbeat, the steady drumming under my ear as I breathe in the scent of his soft shirt.
“Morning, angel,” he murmurs against my hair.
“Oh, hi,” I say, lifting my head to see him better.
He gives me a sleepy smile and brushes my cheek lightly, sending tingles through my body. So different from when David touched me and I felt nothing but the desire to flee the opposite direction.
The sound of Aria’s babbling comes through the baby monitor, and I reluctantly pull away from him.
When I return with her in my arms, Rourke is sitting up, his hair adorably mussed, a crooked smile on his face.
“Coffee or something else?” I ask, setting Aria on the floor to play.
“Definitely something else,” he says with a glint in his eyes, before pulling me onto his lap. “Something blonde…” He begins trailing kisses along my cheek. “…with pink highlights.”
“Careful, Riley, there’s a child in the room,” I brush the tip of his nose playfully.
“Yes, and she should see her mommy happy,” he murmurs next to my ear, leaving one last kiss on my earlobe. “For the record, I’m not going to stop spoiling you either.”
“As much as I like this, I have papers to grade today.”
“Papers?” He frowns. “I thought this was kindergarten? Just give them all A’s for their scribble drawings and call it a day. I thought we could spend some time together as a family.”
He just said the “F” word—family. And I’m trying not to overthink it. It’s not like one night watching Aria turned him into a family man, right?
“Such as…what?” I ask, curious now.
“Picking out a Christmas tree.” He casually loops an arm around my waist. “I noticed you don’t have one yet.”
“Oh.” My gaze shifts to Aria who’s chewing on a brightly colored ball. Getting a tree is the one thing I’ve been avoiding thinking about because the extra expense isn’t in the budget right now. “I wasn’t really planning to buy a tree this year.”
His brow furrows. “What do you mean you weren’t planning to? It’s almost Christmas.”
“We don’t really need one,” I say lightly, handing Aria another toy. “She’s too little to really understand, and with the pageant and everything, I’ve been busy…”
He studies me. “Janie.”
“What?”
“You’re the woman who spent an entire day showing me the most over-the-top Christmas festival around. You made me drink overpriced cocoa, forced me to build a gingerbread house, took me ice-skating, and then kissed me under the mistletoe.”
“That last one wasn’t planned,” I remind him.
His eyebrows lift. “And now you’re telling me you don’t want a tree?”
I let out a sigh. “It’s not that I don’t want one…”
“Then what is it?”
I look down at my daughter playing on the floor. “I can’t afford one, okay? I can barely pay for gifts for Aria.” I reach down to pick up the ball Aria dropped. “Nick hasn’t been paying child support. That’s why I’m doing the Christmas pageant—for the extra money.”
For a long moment, Rourke doesn’t respond. When I glance over, he’s staring at me, his jaw clenched.
“He’s not supporting you?” His voice is low and furious.
I shake my head. “No.”
Something dark flickers across his face. “That worthless piece of—”
“Rourke, it’s fine.”
“I’m sorry, but it’s not fine. He has a responsibility to you both,” he growls.
I move to the floor to hand Aria her blanket. “We’re managing.”
“Managing?” He stands abruptly and starts pacing the room. “You shouldn’t have to choose between paying rent and buying your daughter a gift.”
I shrug. “A lot of single moms make those choices.”
He turns to face me, and there’s a fire in his eyes that could burn down a city.
“I don’t care. It’s wrong. He should be supporting you.
” He drags a hand through his hair, and I can tell he’s struggling to keep his anger contained.
“You take care of your daughter, not to mention all your students. Someone should be taking care of you.”
No one’s said that to me before, not even Nick when we were married.
“I can take care of myself,” I whisper. I’ve had no choice but to.
“I know you can.” His voice is gentler. “But you shouldn’t always have to. Let me be that someone.”
“Rourke…” I sigh. “I don’t know how. I’ve been doing everything myself since Aria was born.”
He stops, then takes both my hands and pulls me to my feet. “Then let me show you,” he says, his hands sliding to my waist. “Starting with a tree.”
I tilt my head. “I appreciate you wanting to do this for me, but I don’t need a tree to make me happy.”
“Then let me do this for Aria.” He looks down at her playing on the floor. “And I’m not buying some scraggly excuse for a tree from a parking lot.” He motions toward my plant in the corner. “Or decorating a houseplant again.”
“Hey, I like my Christmas plant, okay?” I say, my lips curving into a grin. “I plan on putting more lights on it…and you.”
He looks away and laughs softly. “Fine. We keep the Christmas plant, as long as you agree to a tree.” His gaze meets mine again. “Deal?”
I don’t know why this feels big, but it does. I’ve always been independent. Accepting help with something as simple as a Christmas tree shouldn’t be hard. But I’ve had no one to rely on for so long, I don’t remember what it’s like to trust someone else to carry the weight.
“All right,” I say reluctantly. “Just know this isn’t easy for me.”
His brow knits. “Why?”
“I don’t know…” I pause, trying to find the words.
“It’s not just that I’ve been let down too many times.
I’ve also been afraid to hold on to this dream about what Christmas should look like.
You know, families together on Christmas morning.
A mom and a dad. The whole picture.” I shake my head.
“That’s not my life. So part of me wonders, why pretend?
Why put up a tree when I can’t give Aria what she really needs? ”
He stares at me for a beat. “But that’s just it,” he says. “You’re already giving her what she needs.”
“What do you mean?”
“You’re making sure she has the most important things—love, security, and a mom who shows up every day. It’s not about having the perfect family.”
I bite my lip, even though I know he’s right. If I wait to make those memories with her when I do have the family of my dreams, I might wait forever. “Okay, so where exactly are we supposed to get this perfect tree?”
He picks up his phone. “There’s a Christmas tree farm about an hour outside town.
They have sleighs for pictures, reindeer to pet, an entire Christmas tree farm to wander through…
basically, it’s a Christmas lover’s dream.
” He shows me pictures on their website, which means he’s already researched this place.
“Aria might be too little to remember it,” he continues. “But you’ll remember. Don’t you want a picture of her in front of the tree on Christmas morning?”
I look at this man in front of me who claims to hate Christmas but spent last night stringing lights around my living room to surprise me. And now he’s researching Christmas tree farms. What changed? What’s gotten into Rourke Riley that he wants to spend his day off cutting down a Christmas tree?
I know the answer—he cares about me and Aria.
“Okay,” I whisper as I blink quickly, but my eyes are already stinging with tears.
His eyebrows rise. “Okay?”
A slow smile spreads across my face. “Yes. Let’s pick out a tree.”
Aria squeals in delight, almost like she understands.
Rourke laughs, and for once, it almost seems like we’re living the dream. A family cutting down their first Christmas tree together.
“Just so you know,” I say. “I’m paying you back for this.”
“Janie,” he says, intertwining his fingers through mine. “When I do things for people I care about, I don’t expect anything in return. You being with me is more than enough.” He lifts our joined hands and presses a kiss to the back of my hand. “Let’s get you the Christmas tree of your dreams.”