Chapter 37 #2
I should have told Brian about Cam and me that day in my office when I got interrupted by Riley’s call so he wouldn’t be blindsided like this.
I’m such an idiot. The thought of all the people I love most in the world having to answer for this, defend me for this, when I did the wrong thing, is what breaks me.
My hands clench into fists, my nails biting into my palms, and a cold sweat drips down my back.
Everything is on the line because I fell for the football player with the kindest eyes and the softest heart who makes me feel everything.
I realize it’s been a long time since I’ve said anything when Cam cups my face in his hands and presses a kiss to my forehead that has me swallowing back a sob.
When he pulls back and starts to speak, for reasons I don’t understand and don’t have the headspace to work out, his earnest eyes and soft words make me want to jump out of this bed and run.
I don’t deserve to be looked at like that. Talked to like that. I’ve fucked up my life and so many other people’s too. The magnitude of it is more than my spinning brain can handle right now.
“It’s unfair, Maddy. It’s so fucking unfair that people are going to spout bullshit and other people are going to believe it.
But there are so many other people who won’t.
People who know you and believe in you and are going to have your back no matter what.
Your family. My family. And me. I believe in us, and I believe in you.
So fucking much, baby. You are my heart and soul and my whole fucking universe.
I’ve been walking around in the dark for years, and I didn’t realize it until you stepped into my life and brought the light with you.
You brightened up my world with your smiles and your laughs and your Celine Dion power ballads.
With your bags of M&M’s and your orange soda obsession and the way you care for my kids.
I’ll never not be on your side. I’ll go to fucking war to tell the entire goddamn world how amazing you are.
There is nothing on earth that I wouldn’t do for you.
You’re mine, Maddy, and I protect what’s mine. ”
We stare at each other for a beat, my heart thrashing wildly, anxiety gripping me in a vise and his words hanging in the air between us.
And then, without warning, to my absolute horror, my eyes fill with tears.
They spill over and slide down my cheeks, my breathing coming in shuddering gasps.
Cam reaches out to pull me to him, but I shake my head, swiping at my cheeks, an irritated sound falling from my lips.
My body vibrates with tension, and the love pouring from Cam is so strong it’s like I can reach out and touch it.
And that’s what does me in. The knowledge that he loves me, the way I know it without him even saying the words, activates me in a way I don’t anticipate and can’t explain. All I know is I need to get out. Now.
I shove back the covers and jump out of bed, stalking around the room and picking up my discarded clothes. My movements are jerky and abrupt, my heart stuttering as I shove my legs into my jeans, then replace Cam’s shirt I’m still wearing with my own.
When my phone rings, my head whips around at the sound, my eyes landing on the screen. Brian.
My stomach lurches, my heart twisting painfully as my ringtone reverberates around the room.
My throat clogs with tears that want to keep falling, but I can’t come apart here.
I won’t. Because if I do, Cam will wrap me in those comforting arms and keep telling me that everything is going to be okay, but he doesn’t understand that I fucked everything up and I don’t know if it can be fixed.
“Fuck,” I mutter, stalking back to the bed and jabbing the Ignore button, swiping the phone off the bed and shoving it in my pocket.
I cross my arms over my chest and avoid looking at Cam, my posture so ramrod straight that my spine hurts.
Aches with the effort of keeping myself together.
Because I can’t fall apart. Not yet. Not here. “I have to go. I need to think.”
Cam pushes back the covers and gets out of bed, coming to stand in front of me, rubbing his hands up and down my arms. “Think here,” he says, his voice pleading. “Think with me. This isn’t just on you, Maddy. We’re both in this. We can figure it out together.”
My phone rings in my pocket again, and I flinch at the sound.
I want to reach out and grab the word together.
Tuck it into my heart and put my arms around this perfect, amazing man and never let him go.
But the alarm that blares in my head doesn’t care what I want.
It overwhelms common sense and yells at me to go.
Now. To get somewhere where my actions can’t hurt the people I love and no one has to answer for the choices I made.
Where I can absorb the fallout and make sure it doesn’t touch anyone else.
“I can’t,” I manage, shaking my head, my gaze bouncing wildly around the room.
My chest is tight, head throbbing, brain a messy tangle.
“Not right now. Caitlin booked me a flight home in an hour, and I’m going to take it.
I need to go home, Cam. I can’t think here, and the idea of getting on the team plane is…
” I shake my head, swallowing hard at the thought of facing everyone.
I should be stronger than this. Fuck, I am stronger than this.
But right now, I just can’t find my brave.
I need to get out of here. “I can’t do it. I just can’t. Please let me go.”
“I’ll come with you,” he says immediately, running the back of his hand down my cheek. “I’ll get permission to fly home separately from the team and come with you so you don’t have to be alone.”
I shake my head even as everything inside me wants to say Yes, please.
“You can’t. Both of us not being on that plane is a giant red arrow pointing straight at this entire clusterfuck.
Besides, this is a crap time to piss off your coach.
I think…” I close my eyes and take a deep breath.
“I think I need to be alone for a while, and you need to go home and focus on Riley and Ethan. Teenagers are the worst, and this is going to hurt them. They need you, Cam. I can’t stand the thought of them being hurt because of me. ”
My voice cracks on the last word of my plea, and Cam’s eyes fill with a mixture of pain and resignation that stops my heart.
“Okay,” he says, his voice raspy and raw.
“Take the time you need, but then I’m coming for you, and we’re going to figure this out together.
” He grips my chin and forces my eyes back to his.
The blue is dark, a little wild, and the blazing emotion on his face is so intense that I try and look away, but his firm grip on my chin says more than words ever could.
Look at me.
“I love you, Maddy. Fuck, I love you so much. I have for a long time. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would get lucky enough to have a second chance at a love like this, and now that I’ve found you, I am never, ever letting you go.
” He shakes his head, laughing a little.
“This isn’t how I expected to tell you, but somehow it seems exactly right.
You do what you need to do, but take those words with you and know that I’m yours.
I’ll always be yours, and there isn’t a force on earth strong enough to keep me from you. ”
Cam pulls me into a fierce hug, and I’m helpless to stop the tears that fall as I soak his chest, breathe in his familiar scent, memorize the way his strong arms feel around me, tuck those words away like a talisman.
He pulls back, cupping my face in his hands and wiping my tears away with his thumbs.
He kisses my forehead, both of my cheeks, whispering words of love before finally taking my mouth in a long, slow kiss that tastes like my tears, full of promises I don’t deserve but I want anyway.
“Will you text me when you get home?” he asks, easing back.
I nod. “I will.”
Seemingly satisfied with that, he lets me go.
Walking away is the most counter-intuitive thing I’ve ever done in my life, but the voice in my head telling me to go is loud, and it forces my feet to keep moving.
So, with a deep breath, I step back, shoving my feet into shoes and walking to the door.
Grasping the handle, I look back at Cam.
He’s watching me with love in his eyes, his face set in determined lines.
He gives me a small smile and a nod as if to say, Do your thing.
I’m right here. And the fact that he can have this much faith in me—in us—even as I head to the door, makes me want to run back to him and jump into his arms. Fling myself at him and never let go.
But I don’t.
Not now.
Instead, I pull open the door and lean out, checking the hall to make sure it’s clear before I realize I don’t need to do that anymore.
Everyone knows, and if they don’t, they will soon.
So with one last look at Cam, I walk out of his hotel room, carrying only myself and the aching thought that I’m leaving my entire heart behind.