19. Lilly
Lilly
FEB. 15TH - SATURDAY
D ischarged .
Just like that.
As if this was only a horrible blip in time. Maybe, in a few years, it'll feel that way, but right now, it doesn't in any way.
The care in which Dean helps me dress brings tears to my eyes. It feels endless, the way his eyes caress and study every bump and bruise on my body.
Empowered is usually how I feel when my men see me naked, but I'm feeling the complete opposite. Dumb. Stupid. Na?ve. Scared . And so damn guilty I'm convinced I'll never be able to look them in the eyes ever again.
I have no idea what this means for Aaron, but it can't be good. Because of me, his dream job is on the line. Because of me, his happiness is tarnished.
"Baby?"
"Hmm?" That's all I can give Dean right now.
"Lift your hips."
I do, masking my wince by keeping my chin tucked into my chest. The last time I looked at any of them was when Aaron and Dean came running in behind Caleb. Never have I seen them look so horrified.
I did that. I put those looks there and took away their light.
I'd like to say I fell asleep on Caleb's lap while everyone was talking, but that would be a lie. I faked it. Reality became too crushing, seeing the pain I caused and feeling my own? It was all too much.
Once they had me curled back into the stiff bed, I did end up dozing off, but never long enough to feel rested. I swear, every time I closed my eyes, I felt Brett shoving me around and taunting me.
Sweat made my back itch, but each time, I didn't dare shift to itch it because the guys were in some state of rest around me. I stayed quiet and kept my movements to a minimum, including my eyes.
Like this morning, I don't think I've spoken more than ten words or so much as moved enough for them to ask if I was okay. They did, anyway. Almost every five minutes, I think.
I've nodded every time. But the truth has been the same—No, I'm really not okay. And, while I know this truly was just a blip in time, I can't help but wonder if I'll ever be okay again.
This blip wasn't just my own. I threw off Aaron's path, too.
How can they ever forgive me?
"Lilly?"
Aaron has never sounded so unsure before. Is he feeling unsure about me? About us ?
My heart cracks and fizzles. "Yeah?" I whisper, trying really hard to control my tears.
"Where are you going?" he asks, not touching me or trying to stop me from going upstairs.
The car ride home was quiet and filled with so much tension I could barely breathe. They haven't asked what happened, and I'm not going to tell them until I have to give my statement later today. The officers are coming to our home as per my request, but I'll only be rehashing this once for them. After that? If I'm talking about this blip, it will be with someone qualified to help me work through it.
Caleb, Dean, and Aaron are just going to have to wait.
"I'm going to take a bath," I mutter, not looking over my shoulder at the guys. They still don't reach for me.
Someone stutters out a breath, and a shoe hits the floor. Nobody stops me. Not the first step or even the fourth.
But on the eighth, my husband tells me he loves me. On the tenth, his twin tells me they'll be waiting. And on the twelfth, Aaron says, "There are no words that are enough, Lilly. But when you're ready, I would like to hold you, my love."
At that, a sob lurches up my throat and propels me into our shared bedroom. With the doors locked behind me and the faucet running, I cry and curse myself for never being good enough for them.
I walked away while they gave me the words I needed to hear.
He wants to hold me, and I need to be held, so why is it so hard to bridge that gap?
This blip feels larger every second.