21. Lilly
Lilly
FEB. 16TH - SUNDAY
T he blip has become an endless abyss with arms and claws reaching for me, trying to drag me down. They're Brett's hands I can't shake the feeling of.
I fought chills and nausea all night long, and even now, in the early hours of the morning, two days after Brett sexually assaulted me, I swear I can still feel his hands on me. In me.
I'm a mess of nerves and numbness. I'll go from trembling to staring blankly at the wall. Where I go from here is beyond me.
Disbelief in my actions weighs heavily on my conscience. I know it does for my guys, too. Since I gave my statement yesterday, they've been biting their tongues and holding in their questions.
I have questions, too. Like why the hell didn't I tell them Brett was being weird? He made me feel like it was my fault, and I still believe that to a degree. But after explaining everything that happened, I know I didn't do this to myself. I said no. I asked him to stop. I fucking fought .
Brett should hold all the blame, but I need to take accountability for my actions as well. I kept a big secret. My trust in my men was tested, and I failed.
Why didn't I tell them?!
I'm sure anyone who's paying attention to my story would ask me the same thing. Maybe scream at me or just toss me aside for being a dumb bitch. That's valid. My anxiety may trigger some people, and unfortunately, that's the case even in my life. I drag Caleb down with me.
It's kind of like why some people ask why don't you just leave your abuser , and the answer may be similar, but I don't have experience with that. What I know is my anxiety is a voice in my head that constantly pokes my insecurities. It makes me question everything around me. My perception of the world, situations, and relationships warps when my logic and reasoning lose the fight against that entity inside of me that psychology calls anxiety.
Fortunately and un-fucking-fortunately, I have never been in a situation where I was being harassed. My mental state blinded me from what was truly happening and convinced me I was at fault.
I wasn't. But my mind tricked me and led me into a situation that could have cost me my life. Brett hurt me many times psychologically, mentally, emotionally, and physically. That's on him. I never asked for help, and that's my burden.
I think there's a big difference between saying something is my fault and truly grasping what part of that fucked up thing is actually my fault. I know now.
I, Lilly Walker, was sexually assaulted and harassed for five days, and I am not to blame.