2. Bianca
Chapter 2
Bianca
Present Day
B ody slick with sweat, I take out the frustrations of yet another sleepless night on the heavy bag swinging in front of me. I don’t know why I’m surprised. It’s not like I’ve had a solid night of sleep in, well, ever.
A childhood of nightmares blossomed into an adulthood of the same.
Round and round we go. If only I knew how to get off this ride.
“You’re here early.”
I stop hitting the bag and turn to face Michael Anderson. I’ve known the man for years, and a long time ago there were moments when I thought I’d had feelings that went past friendship for him. Of course, I didn’t. He was just one of the first men who’d ever been kind to me without wanting something in return.
Now we’re close friends and coworkers, and he’s happily married to a woman I absolutely adore.
A certain SEAL pops into my head. He hadn’t wanted anything, had he? But I lied to him and ruined everything. I shove the thought away.
“Wanted to get a workout in before the meeting this morning.”
He arches a brow. “Wanna try that again?”
I should have known better. We served together overseas, with me as a medic who saved his life on more than one occasion. I know he struggles with the weight of his past, too, though I imagine being married to his high school sweetheart has lessened a bit of it.
The two of them are perfect for each other, and if I ever hoped for that kind of connection, I might be jealous. “I couldn’t sleep. But that’s nothing new.” Not one for vulnerability, I turn back toward the bag and slam my fist into it.
Michael comes around and holds the bag for me as I punch it, then spin and lands a kick. “If you want to talk about it we can.”
“Nope. Not interested. Thanks though.” With one final combination, I take off the gloves and grab my shaker bottle with the BCAA mixture I still haven’t finished drinking. Amino acids first thing in the morning is a necessity when I’m hitting the gym, but I’m more than ready for coffee.
“Bianca, you can’t keep it all bottled up.”
“It’s worked for me for the past thirty-five years,” I call back as I head toward the door.
He chuckles, clearly understanding that the conversation is over. “See you in a bit.”
“See you then!” I step out onto the street. The sky is darker than it should be, and I imagine it’s due to the hurricane that’s heading our way. The worst one Maine has seen in two decades, according to the newscasters.
Woohoo.
All around me, preparations are being made. Windows boarded up, furniture pulled from patios and hidden away inside. But I’m not worried. I’ve faced things far more terrifying than a hurricane and survived. And even if this is the thing that takes me out, well then, I guess I won’t have to worry about much of anything anymore.
Slinging my backpack over my shoulders, I grip my cup and take off on the run that will bring me home. Since Hope Springs, Maine, is a small town, I run to the gym every morning as a warm-up, then use the three miles back to unwind after my workout.
I’ve made it a habit to push my body to its limits each and every day, never again wanting to be found unable to protect myself. Besides, it helps keep my anxiety at bay.
As it does every single year on this specific day, the darkness ebbs closer in my mind, but I shove it back. I won’t let the past consume me. Never again. Especially not today.
My muscles are liquid by the time I reach the pier that sits beside Hope Springs’ church. While I don’t ever imagine I’ll find myself going in for a Sunday service, I do stop at the pier and stare out over the sunrise.
Pale blue waters crash against the light sand as the world is painted in rays of purple, orange, and gold.
It’s beautiful.
Even if I can’t make myself believe in anything, I can believe that.
“Morning, Bianca.” Pastor Redding comes to stand beside me. He’s dressed in shorts and a T-shirt, his gray hair sweaty at the temples.
“Morning. Coming back from a run?”
“What gave it away?” he asks with a laugh.
I smile. Even if I don’t occupy a pew every Sunday, I can appreciate the kindness of the man beside me. He’s a good man. Good as they come. And he and his wife are staples in this tiny town that I now call home.
“Are you doing okay today?” he asks.
“Why do you ask?”
His expression reflects curiosity rather than judgment. But there’s an understanding in his gaze that makes me feel…well, like he cares. Which is a new one for me. His wife has the exact same effect on me, and given that she owns the bakery in town, avoiding her is impossible.
I like cupcakes too much.
“God guided me to this pier this morning,” he says. “I felt like I needed to run back by here rather than my usual route, and I can’t help but believe that it’s because you were going to be here.”
“Listen, I appreciate you asking, but you know I’m not?—”
“I know,” he replies. “But even if you’re unsure, He still knows and loves you.”
The truth is, I don’t know what I believe. But I’ve seen so much evil it’s impossible for me to wrap my mind around the fact that there’s a greater purpose to it all. “I’d like to believe that. I really would.”
“Do you want to talk about what troubles you? Just friend to friend,” he replies with a smile. “And it will never leave this conversation.”
“Never?”
“Never,” he replies.
I consider. Truth is, I wouldn’t mind confiding in someone. I’ve always been too untrusting of therapists, and too nervous to make any friendships that go deeper than surface-level. I’ve learned that once you start digging, the past will bury you.
But since I trust the pastor, and I don’t see what damage could be done if anyone ended up finding out, I shrug. “Today’s my birthday,” I reply. “And I haven’t told anyone.”
“Why not?”
“It doesn’t feel like a day to celebrate,” I admit. It’s the day everything went wrong. The day my innocence was shattered, and I saw my life for what it was—a lie. A dangerous, blood-stained lie.
“Every birth is a miracle,” he says. “So birthdays are absolutely worth celebrating. Is there no one who knows? What about your parents?”
“Don’t have them.” It’s not a lie, given they’re both dead, but it still feels wrong.
“Well then.” The pastor smiles at me. “Let me be the first to say happy birthday, Bianca. And while I will keep your confidence, you really should tell someone. You deserve to be celebrated. Even if it’s just mentioning it to Kyra and letting her gift you one of her delicious birthday cupcakes.”
I laugh. “Now there’s an idea.”
“Think about it,” he replies with a kind smile.
I pull away. “Thanks, Pastor Redding. Have a good day.”
“You, too.”
“You deserve to be celebrated.”
As I turn away, I can’t help but remind myself that if he knew anything about me, he’d know just how false that statement is. Even a pastor would likely be disturbed by what he found lurking inside of me.
“Morning!” Lilly, the waitress and partial owner of Hope Springs Diner, greets me as she sets a mug of steaming coffee down in front of me. She sweeps her black hair off her shoulders and ties it back in a messy bun.
“Morning. You look rested.”
She laughs, her bright blue eyes sparkling with joy. “Baby finally slept through the night, and now I’m not entirely sure what to do with all of this energy I have.”
I laugh softly. “Glad to hear it. He’s a cutie. Alex brought him by the Knight Security office last week when he dropped off the coffee for our meeting.”
She practically swoons where she stands. “He’s perfect, and Sarah is just already such an amazing sister.”
“She’s a sweetie, too, so I can imagine.”
A familiar ache in my chest blooms. I’d wanted kids at one point, but even as disappointed as I am, I try not to be bitter. Still, it’s likely an impossibility, thanks to shrapnel I took in the abdomen during a patient transport overseas.
I suppose it just means that I get to spoil the children of my friends. Which is something that was also an impossibility until I’d moved here to Hope Springs after Lance Knight—a former Army Ranger I’d saved when we’d both been in the service—called me in to help track Michael after he’d gone missing.
Once I’d seen what Lance had built here, I knew I wanted to be a part of it. Even if I didn’t ask to come work for him until a few months ago.
“You want your usual?” she asks.
“Pancakes, eggs, extra crispy bacon, and a side of crunchy peanut butter. You know me well.”
Lilly grins and makes a note on the order pad she carries. “It’s my job as both your friend and local diner owner. We’ll get this right out.” She turns and leaves the table, so I take a drink of my coffee and stare down at the e-reader I brought with me.
Some probably think I’m reading a pulse-pounding suspense.
Or a swoony romance.
But it’s the Bible that is currently downloaded. I just don’t want anyone to know that I’m searching for answers. For understanding. Because letting them know that means I also have to admit that I’ve found none.
That right now, it all just feels like words on a sheet of paper.
I turn it on and start reading where I left off in Exodus, but I haven’t made it even a page when the bell dings over the front door.
I can feel him before I see him.
The blood-sizzling, bone-deep awareness that comes from being anywhere in Silas Williamson’s vicinity.
The nightmares come flooding back.
Being lost in a hot jungle.
Closing up the same wounds over and over again because his skin was so tattered the stitches wouldn’t hold.
“Bianca!” Little Eloise, his four-year-old niece, rushes over and wraps herself around my arm. I have to pull it free just to hug her back.
I force a smile, shoving the burdens of my past aside so I can focus on the beam of light that is Eloise Williamson. “Hey, sweet girl. How are you today?”
“You know, it’s my birthday.”
I grin at her as she smiles up with eyes that are so like Silas’s, she could be his daughter. Likely because her mother was his twin. “Is it really?”
She nods. “I’m five today.”
I give her a high five, happy that the one shining moment of today is that I get to share my birthday with such a wonderful little girl. “Happy birthday, kiddo.”
“Thanks! When is your birthday?”
My gaze lifts to Silas. Aside from Pastor Redding now, he’s the only one who knows…but does he remember? It was one of those things I told him about when we’d been in that jungle. When you think you may not survive to see another sunrise, the truth just kind of pours out.
Since he’s not even looking at me, I’m assuming he doesn’t remember—or doesn’t care. “Today is your day, kiddo. Don’t be worried about other people’s birthdays, just focus on your own.”
“Eloise, we need to get some breakfast before I drop you off at the library.” Silas’s deep voice resonates with a part of me that I try really, really, hard to separate from myself.
He makes me feel safe and scared.
Hopeful and hopeless.
Everything all at once.
All that I carry for him is a massive contradiction, but I know that’s only because he knows everything the others don’t. Secrets that I’d wanted to die with me in that jungle.
He could have buried me with them, but he’s kept each and every one. Who knows why, and I’m honestly afraid to ask. So I just continue pushing forward, pretending that Silas Williamson doesn’t hold the very keys to my heart. Keys that I gave to him when we’d been back in that jungle, barely surviving, with only each other to rely on.
Our connection is volatile now, but it wasn’t always like that. Back then, he’d been everything to me. Honestly, he still is. No matter how hard I try to push him away.
I meet his gaze. “Good morning.”
He grunts in response but doesn’t speak to me. Silas is a man of few words, sure, but with me, he prefers to pretend I don’t exist. I’m just glad he hasn’t tried to keep Eloise and me apart. Losing her happy smile would break my already tattered heart.
“Can we eat with Bianca, Uncle Lassy? Please?” She puts her hands together and sticks her bottom lip out in a pout. “It’s my birthday, please, please, please?”
He looks at me like he’s hoping I’ll tell her no, but I’m not that kind. “Okay. As long as it’s okay with her.”
“Fine by me. Come on, kiddo.” I scoot over and she climbs onto the booth seat beside me.
“Morning, lovely!” Lilly greets, setting a coloring page and some crayons in front of her.
“Morning, Mrs. Phillips! It’s my birthday!” Eloise greets.
“It is?” she exclaims, placing both hands on her hips and smiling widely. “Happy birthday, then! Special birthday pancakes coming right up.”
“Yay!” Eloise claps her hands together and starts coloring as Lilly turns to Silas.
“Morning, Silas, what can I get for you?”
“Just coffee, thanks.”
“No problem.” Lilly leaves the table, and I pick up a crayon and start coloring the page alongside Eloise.
“Uncle Lassy is taking me to the arcade downtown. We’re going when he’s done with his meeting. It’s going to be so fun because we’re going to do the dance-off game. And Mrs. McGinley said I get to help her reshelve the books at the library while he’s in his meeting! I love books.” As Eloise keeps chattering happily, I sneak a peek at Silas, who’s staring out the diner’s window.
His expression is hard, uncomfortable, as it always is when we’re near each other. Which makes it even more awkward, given we share either side of a duplex on the other side of town. A not-so-happy coincidence to be sure.
I know why he hates me.
I hate myself most days.
But it doesn’t take away from the fact that I wish, for once, he’d look at me like he did all those years ago. Back before he knew the truth.