Chapter 5
5
SHILOH
SEPTEMBER
The bell jingling over the door makes me jump when I pull it open to enter the coffee shop on campus. Every little thing makes me jump since going to the pride event. Seeing Michael for the first time since he was arrested years ago freaked me the fuck out, but that was months ago. I stopped being the jumpy scaredy cat after finding my new family in Kink Manor.
Scaredy cat.
I chuckle at the unintentional pun that my brain conjured up as I join the queue to get some much needed caffeine. Usually, I can rely on Lucky to have a coffee ready for me since he drives us to campus on Tuesdays. But he sounded like he was about to lose a lung this morning with all the coughing. Spencer insisted he stay home and dropped me off here on the corner before racing back home to be with his boy. I hope it’s not too serious .
I get it. I really do. They truly are a meant to be kind of couple, just like Eric and Matt. I don’t think I’ll ever have that for myself. It doesn’t mean I can’t be happy for them, even if I’m jealous as hell. The closest I’ve ever come to that is what I have with Toby, but we would never work like that. I’ve had to console myself into being just best friends with him, even though I want more.
“What can I get you?”
Looking up, I’m surprised to find I’m at the front of the line. I didn’t even stop to think about what I want to drink today.
“Ummmm,” I try and do a quick read of the menu board while the people behind me start grumbling. I didn’t mean to make them wait longer. I only got lost in my head for a second.
“Just order already!” someone from behind me utters. “Some of us have places to be.”
The stinging sensation in my eyes tells me that I’m about to have a panic attack, so I turn and run for the door. I hate the fact that I still have them whenever anyone raises their voice around me. My therapist says I’ve improved so much, but how much could I have improved if someone complaining about waiting for their coffee can set me off?
Hiding in the alley behind the coffee shop, I lose track of how long it takes for me to calm down enough to feel confident enough to face people again. Maybe it really is too soon for me to be out in public by myself?
SparklesTheUnicorn:
Mattie says he didn’t see you in your class
U ok?
ShyKitten:
Can you come get me?
I was wrong
I can’t do this by myself
PanPup:
Where R U?
I can skip my classes today and get us an Uber back home
ShyKitten:
Coffee Shop
But you shouldn’t skip
Eli:
@PanPup if you skip another class, I’m taking away your Xbox
DaddySpence:
I’m sorry @ShyKitten
I wasn’t thinking when I just dropped you off. Be there in ten minutes
SuperMattie:
@DaddySpence don’t worry about it. I have a break in my schedule. Take care of your boy
@ShyKitten I’m coming to you. Ask Donnie to make me my usual and pick something for yourself
My treat
SparklesTheUnicorn:
Awww @SuperMattie to the rescue yet again
SuperMattie:
@SparklesTheUnicorn always your hero
And quit changing the names in the group chat
Chuckling to myself, I throw a thumbs up emoji in the group chat and put my phone back in my backpack. One thing Eric is always good for is making me feel better. I don’t know how he does it. Matt might be his hero, but he is the real hero. He saved me that night by not letting me run away after Eli pulled my ass off the street that night.
Wiping away the tears, I am thankful that I didn’t inherit my mama’s lighter complexion. At least my darker skin can more easily hide the fact that I had been crying. It’s uncomfortable enough to get ridiculed for being a man that cries, but it’s twice as bad being a black man who cries. I can’t hide my ethnicity, so I try to hide my feelings instead. It doesn’t always work when I’m also struggling with an anxiety disorder.
The dinging of the bell above the door when I walk back inside makes me jump again even though I knew it was going to happen. Glancing around the room, I notice it is relatively empty and heave a sigh of relief. It’s bad enough that it was packed when I had my little freak out, but if there were any of those people still in the room, I would likely have to run off all over again.
“You alright, kiddo?” an older gentleman asks from one of the corner tables. “You look like you’ve lost a couple shades there. Pretty soon, you’ll be as white as me.”
I chuckle at the old man’s borderline racist humor. I know he doesn’t mean any harm. Mr. Jones was Mama’s neighbor back before…well, everything. Looking at him now, the old man hasn’t seemed to change at all, except maybe some more wrinkles.
“And you look like someone forgot to shake you when you came out of the wash, old man,” I laugh and run over to give him a hug. “I’ve missed you, Mr. Jones.”
I can feel the tears coming again, but this time I don’t care. This man was the closest thing I’ve ever known to a grandparent, to safety, before I was ripped away – before the nightmares completely took over.